FGP 2014

[rjbetty]

FORD FOCUS F1 TEAM STATEMENT

ROUND 4: CHINESE GP

Well, we should have known it wouldn't last. In the space of just 1 month, our promising start is quickly fizzling away as we teeter uncomfortably on the edge of perpetual mediocrity, the painful memories of last season come to mind...


Rather than put all our trust in McLaren as we did last year, this time we decided to split it between McLaren and Williams, with both teams looking good for outside title challenges in the pre-season.

Instead we have found that Williams keep up their old traditions by wasting good cars and rare opportunities! As for McLaren, if you take out their engine, this means that somehow, after the false dawn of Melbourne, they have actually produced an even worse car than last year! Well that's just fantastic.

At least Bottas is proving a good buy and keeps getting the points in, keeping us from POSF1 and Mia depths of performance (sorry guys). We still feel Valtteri was great value at just £6 and was quite surprised that Aki's Hedgehog Racing Team didn't continue with him, having trained him up last year - D'oh!

However, that is a small mistake compared to our decision not to confirm a deal with Daniel Ricciardo (who we could afford and was totally in our grasp!) in favour of Kevin Magnussen - who drives a McLaren...

Wouldn't you just know that McLaren's promise turned out to be a mirage, and Red Bull and Ricciardo, who couldn't complete a qualifying lap would become immediately successful.

At least we have a Mercedes component in the form of their chassis in our line-up, but then so does almost everyone else.



All we can do now is spend the rest of the season hoping that McLaren find a key to unlock some major performance so we might return to the top 10 again this year. *Gulp* This is looking worryingly like 2013 all over again...!

As for our rivals, who we have a sort of agreement with to scratch each others backs, Happy Bubble Racing Team are at least doing quite well, and have now overtaken us in the championship, while Aki's Hedgehog Racing Team finished ahead of us last time out and is making inroads towards us. This proves that the commonsense approach of choosing a certain Australian driver was the right one.



2014 Results so far:
Aus: 5th
Mal: 10th
Bah: 24th
Chi: 22nd

Overall Championship Position: 17th (awww no)


Also, a reporter from motorsportforums.com caught up with team boss rjbetty, who is recovering from his minor meltdown the other night:

MF: rjbetty. Thank you for joining us. We believe this is the first time you've bothered to do so.

RJ: It is actually, yes.

MF: First question, why do you have a username like a girl?

RJ: Guuuuuys, Say what? What's wrong with RJ? That's a guys name right?

MF: After such a promising start, how does it feel to see your team sinking like a stone?

RJ: Yes thank you so much for reminding me. I wasn't aware that we SUCK already!!

MF: What can you do to turn things around?

RJ: In true F1 team style, we intend to kick up a huge stink and protest until we get the rules changed to suit us and our agenda. Erk, I mean on safety grounds of course! Also, we have put together a master plan, which is to sit back, relax, and just hope McLaren (and Williams) save their season and start performing. (*sob*)

MF: It sounds like you could do with a drink.

RJ: Yes I could, I'm going to see if there's any chocolate milkshake going, into which I can cry (sob)...

MF: Ok then, have a good race next time.

MF: We also have here, reigning champion Sebastian Vettel to get his views on Ford Focus' season. Sebastian, what are your thoughts on rjbetty's alarming tumble down the standings?

SV: Tough Luck.

[Mia 01]

I´m glad Kimi got us a few points this race, we need it.

[jens]

Happy Bubble Racing Team pre-European season press release

As our rotational staff has been busy, we have had no opportunity to send out any press releases or other information regarding our team recently. But we are glad that some of our partner teams (Aki Hedgehog and Ford Focus) have spared some time on covering our results, which is part of the partnership and fulfulling the duties of rotating personnel.

Happy Bubble Racing Team is very glad of the partnership with said two teams as it believes it has helped them to get into new heights. HBRT is sad to hear that some of the partners are already tired of visiting Kazakhstan Desert Headquarters and that renting camels are already too much of a burden budget-wise.

We are considering opening an alternative office in a much more developed area in outer skirts of Budapest in Hungary, but the plan has come to a halt due to budget constraints as we have already used all of our budget on other things.

Valtteri Bottas was racing for us already last year, but didn't succeed. His much better performance is very much down to the improvement in simulator, so he can understand, how to drive a racing car much better.

We are also thankful to the desktop fan wind-tunnel usage by Aki, which enabled to understand the chassis air-flow design better. However, we still have a few problems as evidenced by the underperforming McLaren chassis, which arguably has a lot of aerodynamic problems and they do not know why. Maybe we partnership teams can all collectively together rent an advanced wind-tunnel, which could elevate all of us upwards through the field. At the moment we are strong midfielders, which is an improvement over last year, but in order to become genuine front-runners, our analysts in the Happy Bubble Racing Team have concluded that an update to modern windtunnel is paramount. And as it costs a lot, it is also something we can all co-operate on and collectively capitalize on as well.

All in all. Needless to say, we are very satisfied with Mercedes engine as well as Ricciardo and Bottas. They are all delivering like we were wishing them to do. Especially Bottas has been a golden signing considering not only the price, but also expectations. So only the McLaren chassis is really letting us down as Australia proved to be the false dawn. We do not know what to do to rectify the problem and concluded we must improve wind tunnel, which sadly is not within our current means.

[N. Jones]

POSF1 has nothing to say until we hire a Competitive Team Selector.

[Tazio]

FORD FOCUS F1 TEAM STATEMENT

ROUND 4: CHINESE GP

MF: We also have here, reigning champion Sebastian Vettel to get his views on Ford Focus' season. Sebastian, what are your thoughts on rjbetty's alarming tumble down the standings?

SV: Tough Luck.

MF: Stone the crows, and blow me! Il Mantovano Volante has joined us from the bleeding here-after!!

TN: Thats a right Brittunculi, I've have a message for Hans Bitterman over there.

SV: You talkin' to me greaseball?

TN: You're the only Jam Bun in ear-shot

MF: OK this conversation has gotten a little pear shaped, did you want to say something to smeg finger?

TN: Just a comment on how his season is going:

Sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry dukie!

SV:

[rjbetty]

MF: Stone the crows, and blow me! Il Mantovano Volante has joined us from the bleeding here-after!!

TN: Thats a right Brittunculi, I've have a message for Hans Bitterman over there.

SV: You talkin' to me greaseball?

TN: You're the only Jam Bun in ear-shot

MF: OK this conversation has gotten a little pear shaped, did you want to say something to smeg finger?

TN: Just a comment on how his season is going:

Sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry dukie!

SV:

LOL I didn't have a clue what any of this meant at first glance, but after reading again I more or less get the gist. Ah I needed a good laugh. *wipes eye*

[Tazio]

The big man Slash himself has addressed the world press in an interview with Autosport, as the sudden appearance of the great one has caused quite a stir in motorsports circles. He has been bombarded with inquires, not the least of which coming from paranormal investigators. Here is his official statement:

Autosport: Slash, could you enlighten us about the sudden and miraculous appearance of Tazio Nouvolari in your team paddock, and aren't you concerned that Mr. Nouvolari's considerable status, could be a distraction to the team?

AS: No, Mr. Nouvolari has been a member of our team from its inception, and was appropriated by my silent partner Professor A. Daemon. After taking on a partner I felt it was in the team’s best interest to reorganize as a LLC, thus limiting my responsibility if the "Dr." as he prefers to be addressed manipulates a race, or gets in to other mischief, plus mine is not the only team he is contracted to.
As for Mr. Nouvolari; his official title is "Strength and Conditioning Coach", and has been working very closely with Danny, and Hulk.
Dr. A. Daemon also has a deal with the Williams team, although I do not know in what capacity.

Autosport: It sounds like a rather unholy partnership, aren't you concerned that things could go horribly wrong?

AS: Not at all, without going into too much detail about team member's contracts, I will say that the deal I made with "The Dr." involves my immortal soul. I have made it quite clear, and Mr. Nouvalari understands that I have nothing to lose if I eliminate him, and I would not hesitate to do that, in the usual manner of course.

Autosport: You mean you would slit his throat?

AS: Don't put words in my mouth pence neck; let us just say we have an understanding. Here comes my partner now, perhaps you have a question for Doc as we refer to him affectionately in the team.

Autosport: Dr. Daemon you are looking very sharp in that white polyester suit, and Panama hat!

DD. Yeah right chickie baby, I just got done having lunch with Flavio, but that is another teams issue.

Autosport: Would you like to elaborate?

DD: Would you like a guided tour of the seven gates of hell?

Autosport: Riiiiight....Ahh........could you tell us what you bring to the table for Slash LLC, and what impact you have made on the team?

DD: I made an arrangement that helped Danny take second down under but the other guy spoiled it. I'm really just an ordinary Joe; I put my Prada Wingtips on one foot at a time. Currently I've been very busy trying to get the Turkish Grand Prix reinstated. I'm currently having a new state of the arte venue built near Hierapolis.

Autosport: Why Southern Turkey

DD: Well..the weather is divine, if you pardon the expression, but more importantly it is right at my front door. Pardon me I have to run now, here comes Flavio with the girls. I thought we would go ice skating, then order in and eat, and read.

Autosport: One last question: Do you have an arrangement with Mercedes?

DD: No comment

[N. Jones]

"The Great One"? Who, You?

[N. Jones]

I Love these stories everyone, keep them coming!

I would write one for the POSF1, but how many times can you use the word 'suck' in one story?

[steveaki13]

It has been some time since the FGP world heard much from AHRT (Aki's Hedgehog Racing Team)but we here at Motorsport Forums Rumour mongers have been coming across a few rumours about the team.


Its clear the AHR Team are on the move after a shocking second season in 2013 the team have moved up into the midfield. This must be credited to the partnership they share with Hubble Bubble Racing and Ford Focus F1. Who along with AHRT are making massive strides. However all appears not well in the relationship between these three co working teams.


The latest gossip suggests that a meeting that was held at Happy Bubbles wind tunnel base in Kazakhstan, have seen tensions rise amongst certain members of the teams.

Rumours suggest the problems started after Steveaki13 reacted angrily at suggestions made by Ford Focus boss Rjbetty in a recent interview.

Rjbetty claimed AHRT had made a massive blunder by sacking Valterri Bottas after a terrible 2013 campaign. Its reported Steveaki13 was far from impressed by the suggestions about his team selection. This is especially sore after both Happy Bubble and Ford Focus F1 have signed the young Finn and are gaining many points.

It is believed that heated words were exchanged between the two team owners and that in an act of true sour grapes, Steveaki13 used a left over wad of Wonga that he can no longer use for parties thanks to a act signed by rjbetty to pay second driver Pastor Maldonado to crash into rjbettys brand new Ford Focus.

It is unclear whether these allegations are true, but its clear Maldonado is useless as an F1 driver in a FGP team and so would be well used to fulfil other duties.


The second rumour also concerns AHRT's future plans for the previously mention Venezuelan. Reports suggest that in order to make best use of Crash-donado the team are in secret negotiations with Flavio Briatore about joining AHRT and making the best use of the only skill Maldonado has. i.e CRASHING.
However Flavio was also recently seen at the Slash LLC's team base and thus may have links with team owner Tazio Nouvolari.

Anyway those are the current rumours of the goings on at AHRT. We hope to hear from the team boss soon and find out if any of these are true.