The Melvis Report - Donnington MotoGP

[The Phantom]

(from Melvis, MotoGP race reporter in residence on another forum)

Strange days indeed - most peculiar mama!

My right eye is still twitching. It's probably because I've always been a rather excitable chap and yesterday's donnybrook at Donington set it off big time. This would be the last time the MotoGP circus paid a visit to the 'istoric airfield and jet fuel dump that poses as a racetrack. Oh sure, it's a legendary track, but to anyone who knows from firsthand experience it's a bloody bog. And that's when the sun is out, mind you...

Qualifying was a bit psychotic thanks to several factors, the first being that the preparation of the track for the GP was done by some drunken scousers on the dole who swept the rubbish into the race line and painted the course with dodgy paint. Of course the weather was a factor as well, and just because the fuzzy yellow ball smashing tournament wasn't rained on didn't mean that the race would be free of precip. Or that there wouldn't be enough sun to confound and confuse. Which sort of resulted in the usual suspects faring as expected, with the 4 superheroes slicing and dicing and Rossi leaving it late once again and asserting his ass on the rest of the field to snatch pole from Lunatico (insert big kid stealing a lolly from a little brat here). The illin' & moistened marsupial tested traction limits on the notoriously slick circuit and smashed up yet another bunch of pricey Ducati bits (kafrikkinCHING!) but lived to walk and race another day... So for race day the race grid line up was Rossi, Pedrosa and Lunatico, then Stoner, Doozy and Longneck Redneck. Melandri, Elias and Toseland, followed by the happy French amphiabian DeTumblet (didn't get an eyeball of his 'brelly stand this time!), DeKallio and DeAngelhair. Nicky I'm sure will go on to rue this wekend as he found himself at the bottom of the barrel with Canepaloni and the hairy Hungarian... On race day Hayseed's visit to jolly ol' England would go on to get even worse...

Race day dawned wet, changeable and typically miserable. And the 250's raced in drying conditions yet a quaint dash of sprinkly English rain persisted. Rather like the aftertaste of say, a mediocre haggis chased with warm flat beer. Yet everyone was on slicks - except the factory Ducati team. They chose full wets because someone knew the sister of the fellow who checks id's at the control tower at the airport who said that his boss said it was going to rain. Hard. And soon. Or summat like that...

And so that's when my eye started twitching. When the lights went out and Rossi rode it like he stole it to nab the holeshot. And nobody fell off on turn one. Or 2. Or 3 and they stayed tight and aggro - just like I like it. Immediately my finely tuned senses told me this was going to be one for the ages, and by golly, right I was. The first few laps were ridiculously intense, as Lunatico asserted his grasp on the throttle and snuck into first after not many rounds 'round auld Dony. Elias came outta nowhere and briefly led. Pendejo was a factor early on - like a saddle sore on a sphincter and had the battle of all battles with his beloved team mate Dovi - who was riding on rails. Both Repsol Hondas looked good and the new mill is obviously not a piece of crap. Meanwhile, the Longneck Redneck had the first of many self-confessed moments and brain farted his ass back to the end of the line - guess he wanted to say hi to Nicky and show him how much better he can ride the Yammie than he does the Duc. Because the factory Ducatis' on full wets were floundering as their riders prayed for rain. But none would come, just enough to make things really fun with slicks...

Soon Rossi stormed past the lot and set off to catch Lunatico, who was making for the border like goin' for broke. On lap 8 the first to sample the fine Donington sod was Elias, who tested braking on the dodgy paint previously mentioned. And even tho it was quite damp, he regaled us with lots of sparks (which my daughter enjoyed immensely). That rattled Pendejo, and he started to pine for his nanny as his riding started to unravel. It didn't help that DeFrogulet was all full of ze passion and would come out on ze top as the two little people duked it out. Then the dandy frenchman - who didn't fall off - rode off to the front of the procedings. And then on lap 9 inexperience (or misfortune?) reared it's hairy ass as the other young lollysucking Spaniard forgot to heed the maxim: "Stay off the bloody paint!" He grabbed a handful of front brake while leading Rossi and tossed his thrashed carcass down like he needed a spanking and thus bequeathed Rossifumi the lead...

Meanwhile, back at the back the factory Ducati's were dueling it out for last place amongst themselves, having opted to stay out on full wets, because aww shucks you know, it really don't matter much anymore since this race was over after the first lap. For sure, bitterness and irony are best served cold. Very, very cold. And yesterday both came in the form of Rossi and Dovi lapping two former world champions as they toured around on tortured wet tires, sadly anticipating the rain that never came. My eye twitched a lot more all of a sudden...

As things settled - and the shock of seeing Haystacks and the Mighty Marsupial getting spanked like that wore off -Doozy started doing a Rossi on Rossi. He did it so well that the Doctor himself fell off his bike!!! When all he had to do to walk away with a passelful of points was to finish! By now I could hardly see outta my right eye and was glad when Vale was able to get it back up without ED medication - I then hoped for some sort of redemption...

In the dying laps homeboy Toseland spanked Pendejo nicely, passing him on the outside, further reducing the pipsqueaking paella filler's confidence and sending him back on to finish in 9th. His teammate however was easily the rider of the day, having gone all the way down to near last. Edwards, who is much loved in the UK because he's sooooo different than they are, found he was riding on a magical tire that no one had ever ridden before, which he said kinda sucked at first but as the race wore on it just got better and better and he would go on to pass Froglegs De Tumblet and get nearly close enough to nail Dovy for what would have been an epic win for the perennial almost-ran. DeAngelhair (who according to my girl has the "prettiest hat") nailed down fourth and Rossi did what Rossi does, rescuing what could have been a flaming turd and turning it into a fine Cuban cigar, finishing in 5th, ahead of Toseland, who had the best ride since Duran Duran was big on the other side of the pond...

Melandri grabbed a respectable 7th, and the Suzuki men gambled on rain tires late in the race, but it didn't do diddlysquat as they would go on to finish down below. So how bad was it for the fatory Ducati team? They both finished 14th and 15th. Beaten even by Piccolo Canepaloni who finally broke into the top 10. For them, truly a day to forget. For the rest of us, a last race at a legendary track that will not be forgotten any time soon...

Worthy of mention: In the post race conference DeFrogulegs said sh*t and how it got past audio sensors is probably down to the fact that they don't have a French profanity filter installed. My hearing ain't too good either as it took my little race fanatic to pipe up and say, "Daddy? He said a bad word..." Oh yeah, I backed up to check it out and said "yup - he sure did!"

[leopard]

comprehensive report, worthy read...