[O/T] Joke Thread

[BobGarage]

I have just realised that this thread was never re-started after the forum upgrade.

So here it is again....


Lord of the Manor
The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Reginald Carpley. The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity.

With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.

By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend:

"And as for you Reggie -- you might at least have the decency to stop while I'm talking

[BobGarage]

Some Practical Advice For Safe & Healthy Living In 2007

1. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
2. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
3. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
4. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat *******.
5. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
6. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.
7. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
8. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
9. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
10. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
11. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
12. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
13. Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.
14. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
15. Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.
16. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
17. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
18. HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
19. DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
20. On hot days there is no need for expensive air conditioning, just open your fridge and sit in front of it.

[BobGarage]

One morning last week Billy was at school and the teacher asked all the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came
out -fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc. but
Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about His father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his Clothes
in front of other men and gives them lap dances. Sometimes if the offer is
really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and sleep
with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy
aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays
Cricket for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say..."

[BobGarage]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and blustery day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. Oh my God, Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get into my car to go home."

Then a third runner cast her eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining".

[BobGarage]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.



The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, says: "Please can you give me a Push?"



"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"



He slams the door and returns to bed.



"Who was that?" asked his wife.



"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.



"Did you help him?" she asks.



"No, I did not! Its 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"



"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?



I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"



The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.



He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"



"Yes" comes back the answer.



"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband "Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.



"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk!!!

[BobGarage]

The teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy.

"Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the Midnight Mass and we sing hymns, and then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, me and my sister also go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."

[BobGarage]

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would sh*g you twice."

[BobGarage]

WARNING, NEW SCAM!

Be aware of this. I had a lucky escape.

I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange asked Me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky

[BobGarage]

MAKING COFFEE

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman.
It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir...gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use.

Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

[BobGarage]

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s - 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 60, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."