Joke Time

[Easy Drifter]

What does NASCAR stand for?

Non Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks.

[Easy Drifter]

Good thing I can keep coming up with some as the rest of you sure aren't much help.

Taz got pulled over for doing 80 in a 60. Taz says to the officer 'Geez, I had the cruise control set at 60. Maybe your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says 'Now dear, you know we don't have cruise control on this car.'
As the officer writes out the ticket Taz growls to his wife 'Can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The lovely wife smiles and says 'You should be thankful the radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out another ticket for the illegal radar detector Taz glowers at his wife and says 'Why can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says 'I notice you are not wearing your seat belt. That is another fine.'
Taz say 'Yes, but I had it on and just took it off to get my licence out of my back pocket.'
Taz's wife sweetly says 'Dear, you know you never wear your seat belt.'
As the officer is writing out yet another ticket good old Taz says to his wife 'Why don't you just shut up?'
The officer looks over at Mrs. Taz and asks 'Does your husband always talk to you this way?'
She innocently replies 'Only when he has had too much to drink.'

[anderzon]

Team Lead: We still have more work to be done lets double time people.

Employee 1: We still have this bunch of loads we need to double time.

Employee 2: It's almost 10 pm 2 hours to go we can't make it.

Employee 3: If we can't kill the work we just have to kill the time.

[Easy Drifter]

Markabilly's wife was getting frustrated. He just wasn't paying much attention to her.
She decided to buy a pair of crotchless panties. She put them on with a garter belt and nylons, a low cut blouse and her shortest tightest mini skirt. She sat across from him and after a while uncrossed her legs and opened her legs a bit.
Markabilly looked over, got a startled exprssion on his face and asked 'Are you wearing crotchless panties?'
She sweetly replied ' Yes I am.'
Markabilly responded ' Oh thank God. I was afraid you were sitting on the cat.'

[anderzon]

ahahahaha lol what a lovely cat she was sitting probably the most huggable pet in the house for them

[Camelopard]

The Tunnel

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

[AJP]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don\'t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

[Easy Drifter]

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

A young lad went to visit his grandfather for a week.
On the first night he found a thick slimy goo on his plate and he asked his grandfather 'Is this plate clean?'
'As clean as cold water can get them.' was the answer.
This went on all week.
On the last day when the young lad was trying to leave the dog barred his way.
So he caalled out 'Grandpa the dog won't let me past.'
His grandpa replied 'Cold Water go lie down.'

[markabilly]

something from another forum, beneath a photo of flavio and the kid who accidentally crashed and accidentally permitted fred to win a certain race, showing them walking down pit lane:

Flavio: Night of the race, you might feel a slight sting. That's pride f*ckin' with you. F*ck pride! Pride only hurts, it never helps. You fight through that sh*t. 'Cause a year from now, when you kicking it in the Caribbean, you gonna say to yourself, "Flavio Briatore was right."

Nelson: I got no problem with that, Mr. Briatore.

Flavio: On the 14th, your a*s goes down. Say it.

Nelson: On the 14th, my a*s goes down.

Now what movie was that stolen from???

[markabilly]

Good thing I can keep coming up with some as the rest of you sure aren't much help.

Taz got pulled over for doing 80 in a 60. Taz says to the officer 'Geez, I had the cruise control set at 60. Maybe your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says 'Now dear, you know we don't have cruise control on this car.'
As the officer writes out the ticket Taz growls to his wife 'Can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The lovely wife smiles and says 'You should be thankful the radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out another ticket for the illegal radar detector Taz glowers at his wife and says 'Why can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says 'I notice you are not wearing your seat belt. That is another fine.'
Taz say 'Yes, but I had it on and just took it off to get my licence out of my back pocket.'
Taz's wife sweetly says 'Dear, you know you never wear your seat belt.'
As the officer is writing out yet another ticket good old Taz says to his wife 'Why don't you just shut up?'
The officer looks over at Mrs. Taz and asks 'Does your husband always talk to you this way?'
She innocently replies 'Only when he has had too much to drink.'

Actually close to what i am told was a true story by the officer on the scene, except he then says to her:
"STFU, bitch"
she says: "You keep talking that way to me, and I will tell him about the drug money and all that crack cocaine in the trunk you been trying to sell!!!!"




another true story, straight ffrom a trial transcript was a criminal defense attorney cross examing a police officer about an arrest involving a relatively minor incident:

"okay, you get this call that there is this guy who passed a hot check in the bar

"yes."

"So you and nine other officers, armed with shotguns and automatic weapons, wearing vests, helmets and all, storm into this small neighborhood bar, to catch a guy that may have passed a $20 dollar hot check????...."

"yes"

"and is obviously scared and frightened by all this busting in the door, he runs out the back door, and runs a few yards to go inside an elementary school where you catch him, using a police dog as an aid????"

"yes"

"and now you want to prosecute him for evading arrest, after the hot check charge was dropped, because he did not do it??"

"yes"

"do you think, given all these circumstances and all things considered, that this was proper police procedure to go storm trooping in like this?"

"No, it was not"

"so you agree with me??"

"yes, I do, given the circumstances and history of the bar, we should have had at least six more officers and a helicopter as a back up...."





now the really sad part is the fact of the elementary school being so close by......





then there was the videotape of a traffic stop, where the officer asked:
"so you do not mind if I look inside the trunk??""

"No. go ahead, but if you find any drugs, they ain't mine, it belongs to the drug smuggler that my husband works for...."