Relationship advice

[henners88]

That depends on the situation I think.

It may well be that you've both had time to mature, she's been able to sort out some of her charming idiosyncrasies while you've been able to iron out some of your deep seated personality flaws. If you haven't also lost what made you a good partnership in the first place things could be very different and better the second time around.

In this case they only split up 8 weeks ago so I think if they were going to get back together it needs a longer period of time. Plus his ex suffered badly from depression and that takes time and treatment. I think the Knight is going in the right direction from an outsiders perspective. Sometimes change is good and a bad relationship can make you realise what you want in the long term. His new squeeze sounds nice and it sounds like he is enjoying something new.

[EuroTroll]

That depends on the situation I think.

It may well be that you've both had time to mature, she's been able to sort out some of her charming idiosyncrasies while you've been able to iron out some of your deep seated personality flaws. If you haven't also lost what made you a good partnership in the first place things could be very different and better the second time around.

Have you ever seen that happen, though? I certainly haven't. What I've seen and experienced is exactly what Rudy described: the same old problems resurfacing after the initial 'honeymoon'.

I think people don't change in the essentials, or change very-very slowly. If you've tried it with someone and it hasn't worked, there's no point in trying it again for at least 5 years, in my opinion, and very little point in trying after that.

Plenty more fish in the sea.

[D-Type]

The second girl is not an ex- so none of the problems of rebuilding a relationship with an ex-are around. Plainly and simply, you and the 2nd girl are both on the rebound. You've both been honest about your former relationships so there's no problem there. Enjoy each other's company, get to know each other slowly, and then decide if you have the makings of a long term relationship.

But, I do wonder, are you feeling pangs of guilt because you feel you treated girl no 1 badly by ditching her when she was suffering from depression rather than trying to help her through it? Is that the real issue?

[Jag_Warrior]

Hi Guys,

I was going out with a girl for a couple of years until 7 months ago.

8 weeks later now and I'm feeling much better about it but I bumped into this girl I used to work with, mainly conversed via email, in my former place of work about two weeks ago. I said to her we should meet up for a drink some time. Before I knew it her and I were sending SMS and we met up last Saturday night and end up spending the night together. I was even over at her place for a few hours on Sunday night. I was surprised by how well we hit it off and we both admitted there was chemistry between us.

Now, here's the crux, I know in my heart that I'm still not 100% over my ex, but at the same time a gorgeous interesting girl whom I have a lot of time for has just landed into my lap. I have informed her that I am not 100% over my ex and been completely honest with her.

What would you do in this situation? I want to make sure I don't rebound and do anything stupid. It's very rare I look for advice from people on an internet forum, but I honestly feel only people with no relationship to either parties can provide an objective view point on this.

TBK.

Point #1: Never take relationship advice from me. I am a relationship serial killer. Six months is a "long term relationship" for me - though my current one is approaching three years.

Point #2: If you're not involved in a committed relationship and a girl lands in your lap (literally or figuratively), then I say, just go with it for as long as it lasts. There's no sin in just having fun and enjoying each other's company - as long as both parties are honest about what the real deal is.

Point #3: Whether in love, life or business, learn from the past (positive or negative experiences) but do NOT dwell on it. Do NOT try to relive it or beat yourself up about what went wrong or whose fault it was.

Point #4: Refer back to Point #1.



What would I do in this situation? Have lots of fun and be honest (especially with myself). But then again, remember Point #1.

[Malbec]

Have you ever seen that happen, though? I certainly haven't.

I have actually amongst some of my friends. Obviously I've also seen exactly the opposite happen. I don't think I'm alone in seeing an ex years after and wondering what on earth I'd been thinking wasting time on them all those years before (and I'm sure some have felt the same about me).

On balance though I agree with you, I personally wouldn't want to go over old ground again and I'd want to find someone completely fresh.

[gloomyDAY]

I need pictures of said girl before I divulge any advice!

[The Black Knight]

Sorry to hear things ended up like that. My brother was in a similar position with a girl who developed depression and he ended the relationship after trying everything to help his girlfriend through it. She went from a gorgeous, life and soul of the party sort of girl, to a girl who got home every night and ate until she was sick. She put on so much weight and wouldn't accept help from anybody. Sad as the family loved her. They've both moved on, but my brother moved on a lot quicker than her obviously.

Yep, I tried everything to get her through it as well but she kept pushing me away. I had no choice but to break up with her and in the end that's what she wanted as well so it has worked out the best for both of us I think.

Well I think you are doing everything right so far. Sounds like you are both on the same page and things will move naturally. In my experience most women get to a certain age where they start to demand babies. Not that you need to worry about that yet but it will most likely come lol. Just enjoy it and go with the flow

Haha, I don't want to even think about the baby thing. This is too new. But I do admit alright that a lot of women want babies around this age alright if they haven't had them already.

I've been with my partner for 9 years and we got married in 2010. Children to follow very soon hopefully

Congrats man! Glad to hear that's going well for you. 9 years is a long time. Hope the kids are healthy and come soon!

[Garry Walker]

I need pictures of said girl before I divulge any advice!

Also of the ex. If pics are not provided, a description is not a great solution, but at least better than nothing

[EuroTroll]

I need pictures of said girl before I divulge any advice!

Give the man what he wants, TBK. Gloomy is the master and his advice is worth having.

[The Black Knight]

In this case they only split up 8 weeks ago so I think if they were going to get back together it needs a longer period of time. Plus his ex suffered badly from depression and that takes time and treatment. I think the Knight is going in the right direction from an outsiders perspective. Sometimes change is good and a bad relationship can make you realise what you want in the long term. His new squeeze sounds nice and it sounds like he is enjoying something new.

I am totally enjoying it. Plus this girl seems to be on the same page as me from what she expects i.e. openness and honesty. My ex used to bring up the past all the time if ever there was a situation where we needed to talk about something. It wrecked my head. Whereas the new squeeze said she was in a similar situation with her ex where he used to bring up the past and she'd have forgotten about it. Anyway, I like a person that can forgive and forget. It's also very rare in a female. To be honest, when she said that to me it was the first time I actually considered it might go somewhere.

The second girl is not an ex- so none of the problems of rebuilding a relationship with an ex-are around. Plainly and simply, you and the 2nd girl are both on the rebound. You've both been honest about your former relationships so there's no problem there. Enjoy each other's company, get to know each other slowly, and then decide if you have the makings of a long term relationship.


But, I do wonder, are you feeling pangs of guilt because you feel you treated girl no 1 badly by ditching her when she was suffering from depression rather than trying to help her through it? Is that the real issue?

Not at all. I tried my best but she kept pushing me away. I feel no guilt whatsoever in having broken up with her. It was ultimately her fault and I did my very best. It's probably the first relationship I've come out of with no regret about the way I behaved.


As for the rebound, I hadn't planned on seeing anyone for a long time but this just happened without me even intending it. I had one or two one nighters over the last two months which I could have pursued but didn't because I knew I'd just be using them to get over my ex. This is different though, I actually like this girl.