Helping a friend in need.

A very close friend of mine has recently started to say things that have got me very concerned.

She has told me about various things that she has had to deal with throughout her life, some of which actually made me sick and cry a little. She has said that it is all getting too much for her and she is too tired to carry on. :(

She has called Samaritans but that didn't help at all, and tomorrow she is going to see a therapist.

I am really worried about them and I couldn't bare to lose them. I don't know what I should do to help.

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Originally Posted by Brown, Jon Brow

I am really worried about them and I couldn't bare to lose them. I don't know what I should do to help.

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Listening is the best place to start JB.

Be there for them, check on them regularly, offer to help, try to be positive. Give them support and comfort.

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Originally Posted by tannat

Listening is the best place to start JB.

Be there for them, check on them regularly, offer to help, try to be positive. Give them support and comfort.

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Thats pretty much what I have been doing. I spend most of my free-time with her anyway because we like each others company. I've told her not to worry and that I'll look after her, but I can't look after her all the time. :(

Just be there as much as you can and try to get her mind of thinking about it too much. But in the end it's only her that can snap out of it. But I'm sure having a therapist will help alot.

Support them going to the therapist. Deciding to follow that route is a big step in itself for many people. Therapy might seem rather odd to start with when you enter into it, but it can be of great value — combined with making your own efforts to get things onto a more even keel, of course.

I wish your friend all the very best.

Having therapist may help her going into the right orientation. Wouldn't you think it a great loss then?

btw, Despite I have to admit that we can't avoid life problem since conspiracy is always around, everybody have their own interest, I tend to solve my problem myself, try to take everything easy, change the mindset, etc; and do not seem want to go for therapist when being burdened with problem of life. They are sometimes useful for certain persons.

Take her to a poor country. It helps from two points of view: she'll change the place which is good in case of depression and she'll see that other people face the problem of survival.

gadjo_dilo makes a good point....Jon, do support her and try to keep her spirits up but also make sure she understands that there are plenty of people who have more problems that her in this world and they still have a smile on their faces !

She needs to be happy for what she has (atleast a good friend like you !) and try and get out of this depression.
She has to be positive and you should help her do that.

Why do we not suggest her to take a vacation. Monsoon regions seem to be great choice to get out of routine problem of life. It might relief her at certain extent as to find something if not a miracle she never knew before elsewhere.

Talk to her and be there for her as much as you can. But, and this is very important, don't let it affect your own life too much, in helping her you could end up being as depressed as she is, remember to first look after yourself.

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Originally Posted by Storm

gadjo_dilo makes a good point....Jon, do support her and try to keep her spirits up but also make sure she understands that there are plenty of people who have more problems that her in this world and they still have a smile on their faces !

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That may be true, but, from personal experience, it doesn't help to be told when you're depressed that there are others out there with far worse problems. Of course, this is quite right, but it's little consolation.

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Originally Posted by Storm

gadjo_dilo makes a good point....Jon, do support her and try to keep her spirits up but also make sure she understands that there are plenty of people who have more problems that her in this world and they still have a smile on their faces !

She needs to be happy for what she has (atleast a good friend like you !) and try and get out of this depression.
She has to be positive and you should help her do that.

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i'd agree with that :)

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Originally Posted by BDunnell

That may be true, but, from personal experience, it doesn't help to be told when you're depressed that there are others out there with far worse problems. Of course, this is quite right, but it's little consolation.

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Depends on person. I had to stay a week in hospital for my mum. When I saw people who suffer without many hopes I understood I should be happy despite my miserable life. And is one thing to be told and another to see it with your own eyes.
But a long trip somewhere is the best therapy. You escape the every day routine and forget the problems.

Seeing other are worse off than yourself does NOT help if you're in genuine depression - don't start pointing out yet more of the world's ills to somebody who's already in misery with themselves.

Therapy's great I'm told, in fact I'm considering it myself as I'm having nightmares about being robbed again, not eating much and losing interest in all of my business. Other hobbies are helping me, as are days out away from my problems. Best to try that, if you've time, as I'm sure there's a common thing you both enjoy that'll help her raise spirits :up:

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Originally Posted by BDunnell

That may be true, but, from personal experience, it doesn't help to be told when you're depressed that there are others out there with far worse problems. Of course, this is quite right, but it's little consolation.

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I agree. Telling her that other people have problems wont make her problems go away.

Sadly depression is something that people can't pull you out of with one single act.

I'd echo what people have said already and just be there to talk and do stuff. I think most people go through some fairly dark times at one point or another and the most important thing is to not feel alone. I can only speak from my own experience but when I was down there was one moment when I just had a 'moment of clarity'. For me it took one bottle of vodka a whole load of other stuff, falling asleep in the street (twice), and having a 2 day hangover. I wouldn't advise this as therapy to any other person because it's horrible but it just happened to be what worked for me in that instance.

I know a couple of people who have had counselling and although they say that it didn't do much it is obvious that they are a bit cheerier because of it.

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Originally Posted by Brown, Jon Brow

She has called Samaritans but that didn't help at all, and tomorrow she is going to see a therapist.

I am really worried about them and I couldn't bare to lose them. I don't know what I should do to help.

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First she and then them? I didn't quite understand that thing. Or was it just a typo?

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Originally Posted by BDunnell

That may be true, but, from personal experience, it doesn't help to be told when you're depressed that there are others out there with far worse problems. Of course, this is quite right, but it's little consolation.

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I think this way too. She could take it as saying that she's stupid to be so worked up on "some little thing" and that she should be all happy and cheery. I know I would. I think it's generally not a good idea to compare each others problems or obstacles to overcome. Just as those obstacles come in different sizes, so come the persons who have to overcome them.

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Originally Posted by Erki

First she and then them? I didn't quite understand that thing. Or was it just a typo?



I think this way too. She could take it as saying that she's stupid to be so worked up on "some little thing" and that she should be all happy and cheery. I know I would. I think it's generally not a good idea to compare each others problems or obstacles to overcome. Just as those obstacles come in different sizes, so come the persons who have to overcome them.

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Erki, I think that "she" and then "them" makes sense in the same way that you can say "his hat" or "their hat" to refer to the same thing.

About the much-discussed proposal of showing her someone in greater need than herself, I also think that this is a mistake. From personal experience, it would possibly make her feel worse.

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Originally Posted by cosmicpanda

Erki, I think that "she" and then "them" makes sense in the same way that you can say "his hat" or "their hat" to refer to the same thing.

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I know. But mostly it is used to keep it gender-neutral. But Jon already said that she's a gal so why use a gender-neutral pronoun afterward? Just wondering.

Sorry for mega-OT.

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Originally Posted by gadjo_dilo

Take her to a poor country. It helps from two points of view: she'll change the place which is good in case of depression and she'll see that other people face the problem of survival.

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That will probably work for an Emo teen. The middle income/educated/two parent household kind of person that has it better than 90% of the world, and yet is still unhappy with life and feels mistreated. Showing them people with real life problems will probably make them realize how insignificant their imaginary problems are.

I dont think it will work on a person that has real problems though.

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Originally Posted by ChrisS

That will probably work for an Emo teen. The middle income/educated/two parent household kind of person that has it better than 90% of the world, and yet is still unhappy with life and feels mistreated. Showing them people with real life problems will probably make them realize how insignificant their imaginary problems are.

I dont think it will work on a person that has real problems though.

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Well I could list her problems (that I know about) and it would become clear that she isn't an Emo teen. Even though I do jokingly call her one occasionally :p

She has recently seemed to be a little more positive. Her parents are taking her away on holiday next week and she is looking forward to it. :)

Glad to hear that she is now positive and heading for the vacation.
although it's her parents that helped her out feeling better, not you. :)

I have a lot of experience with these things and that's on both sides of the fence so if I can do anything to help let me know. There's lots of information out there for the both of you, books, websites and such.

The main thing is that she's getting help and you're there for her. Make time for yourself too and know your own limits. I'm wishing you the best of luck, well done for being such a good friend to her.

Once I was on a business trip and had a chat with the taxi driver who picked me up from the train station. He started telling stories about the time when he used to be a long distance truck driver. Once he had to use hand grenades to fence off highway robbers. His wife died of cancer when he was arrested by the police for two months just because the cargo owner did not bother to arrange all the documents properly. And she was pregnant at the time!

That morning I felt pretty low but after THAT story I told myself to shut the *@#% up and put myself together. I felt like I had no right to complain about my minor difficulties while other people survive much more and still find strength to live and enjoy life.

It is not the misery of others that helps you when you are depressed, it is their strength and courage.

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Originally Posted by Brown, Jon Brow

A very close friend of mine has recently started to say things that have got me very concerned.

She has told me about various things that she has had to deal with throughout her life, some of which actually made me sick and cry a little. She has said that it is all getting too much for her and she is too tired to carry on. :(

She has called Samaritans but that didn't help at all, and tomorrow she is going to see a therapist.

I am really worried about them and I couldn't bare to lose them. I don't know what I should do to help.

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well dude..

sounds like she got to much in her life right now, i think she needs someone to take some of that off of her,,whatever happend throughout her life,, sure seems like she trust you, if she told you right? so if she trust you,, be there for her,, try and give her a laugh make her smile,, and help her forget what happend,,
i dont think she really means it when she says, i dont want to carry on,, cuz if so she wolud have just done it, and never told anyone,, she doesnt want to do that,,cuz she told you whats wrong,, she needs a friend and she pick you,, just be there for her,, and do for her, what no other can, only you can do for her, weaters thats making her laugh,, smile,, or just being a great friend it all wokrs. and everything sholud be ok dude

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Originally Posted by Rudy Tamasz

Once I was on a business trip and had a chat with the taxi driver who picked me up from the train station. He started telling stories about the time when he used to be a long distance truck driver. Once he had to use hand grenades to fence off highway robbers. His wife died of cancer when he was arrested by the police for two months just because the cargo owner did not bother to arrange all the documents properly. And she was pregnant at the time!

That morning I felt pretty low but after THAT story I told myself to shut the *@#% up and put myself together. I felt like I had no right to complain about my minor difficulties while other people survive much more and still find strength to live and enjoy life.

It is not the misery of others that helps you when you are depressed, it is their strength and courage.

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I can only reiterate that not everyone would find succour in the strength and courage of others, because one doesn't tend to be at one's most rational while depressed.

...........and time for an update.

My friend has only just been to the doctors. She has been referred to a therapist and given mood stabilizer medication.

The medication is really making it difficult to be around her. Some days she is how I would describe as her normal self. On other occasions, such as this evening, she is like a robot.

It's very difficult to witness a very close friend in the mental state that she is in. I feel completely hopeless :(

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Originally Posted by Brown, Jon Brow

...........and time for an update.

My friend has only just been to the doctors. She has been referred to a therapist and given mood stabilizer medication.

The medication is really making it difficult to be around her. Some days she is how I would describe as her normal self. On other occasions, such as this evening, she is like a robot.

It's very difficult to witness a very close friend in the mental state that she is in. I feel completely hopeless :(

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I am so sorry to read that, but at least there is something to work towards in the shape of the therapy.

Having been, in my opinion, the person that's difficult to be around in these circumstances, I know how awful this situation is for all concerned. I wish you and your friend all the very best.

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Originally Posted by BDunnell

I am so sorry to read that, but at least there is something to work towards in the shape of the therapy.

Having been, in my opinion, the person that's difficult to be around in these circumstances, I know how awful this situation is for all concerned. I wish you and your friend all the very best.

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Thank you.

She said today that all she wants is to be in control of her mind again.

It sounds like she has really had enough and wants to be helped - that's always the first step, and the hardest.

Medication does do funny things to people, but once she's used to it and the doctor has decided an appropriate dosage, she'll probably seem more like herself. Patients are sometimes started on a higher dose of mood-stabilising meds than they would have during their "maintenance" phase.

You sound like a great friend, and please look after yourself, too. Don't neglect your other friendships, and find some time to do things you enjoy as well.

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Originally Posted by LotusElise

It sounds like she has really had enough and wants to be helped - that's always the first step, and the hardest.

Medication does do funny things to people, but once she's used to it and the doctor has decided an appropriate dosage, she'll probably seem more like herself. Patients are sometimes started on a higher dose of mood-stabilising meds than they would have during their "maintenance" phase.

You sound like a great friend, and please look after yourself, too. Don't neglect your other friendships, and find some time to do things you enjoy as well.

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:up:

I couldn't agree more.

She has only been on medication for a week, but she is much worse now than she was.

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Originally Posted by Brown, Jon Brow

She has only been on medication for a week, but she is much worse now than she was.

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It's very difficult to know what to say to that without having any clinical/pharmaceutical knowledge. It is early days, yet your concern is totally understandable.

From the very little I do know about this kind of medicine, is that it can take quite a while to kick in well, say a fortnight. If she carries on being worse, she'd best go back to the doctor's

She's finally going to therapy tomorrow, and I'm taking her.

She went to a teacher at college on Monday to hand in 10packets of aspirin that she had in her bag :s