yeah....cool joke!!!
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yeah....cool joke!!!
What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head.
I will stay back and give these two a lift.
If you die in an elavator--- always be sure to push the up button.
Simcoe County Jokes Strike Again
A dog in Orillia gave birth to puppies on Memorial Avenue.
The OPP have cited her for littering.
Midland Police are worried about a group of ex cons that have began surfing in Midland Harbour.
Seems the Town is worried about a crime wave.
Four out of five Simcoe County dentists recommend playing hockey.
A Tay township lad was excited when his father finally agreed to take him to the Zoo.
When he got home his mother asked him if he had a good time.
He replied 'It was great, especially when one of the animals daddy picked came in at 20 to 1.'
Remember --- Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer to the end the faster it goes!
As Drifter's missus comes out of the loo he remarks "Honey, did you notice the new toilet brush I just bought?"
"Yeah, it's o.k." she replies, "but I still prefer paper."
Here's mine
A group of ignorant retards sign up to a forum and suggest bias by the FIA towards Ferrari/Citroen with no evidence at all.
Oh wait that's not a joke, that's just the people we get on this forum :D
Someone poop in your corn flakes this morning Daniel? :p :
If by poop in my cornflakes you mean have I dealt with people today who have less technical knowledge and less comprehension skills than the most idiotic of F1 forum members then yes.Quote:
Originally Posted by schmenke
A guy sitting on a plane is joined by a guy on the end seat who has a dog,which sits between then.The 1st guy thinks this is odd,So he says to the guy" how come you have brought a dog onto the plane,andhe sits on the seat next to me".He says " I work for the customs,and this dog can pick up on passengers with drugs".After the plane takes of the guy tell his dog to GO.So off it goes and stops by a woman.Then comes back taps the owners knee once and sits down.The guys says what is he telling you?.OH he is telling me that ,she has Cannabis ,so I take her seat number and she is arrested once we land.Next he tell the dog to go again ,this time he stops by a guy,comes back to tap his owners knee twice.Whats he telling you now .OH he says that that guy has Cocaine on him so again I take his seat number.Then he tells the dog to go again,this time the dog goes down the isle ,then hurries back sits on his middle seat and s all over it.The guys says "Hey why has he done that .,is he telling you something now" Yes says the owner"He has just found a bomb"
:s
the word missing from the 2nd to last line in the joke i posted that started with an S was sh*ts or Cr*ps all over the seat.
Sign on back of Amish Carriage:
Energy Efficient Vehicle.
Runs on Grass and Oats
CAUTION: Avoid Exhaust.
Why did the French plant tress along the Paris Streets?
Because the Germans like marching in the shade.
Why did the French cut them down?
Because the Muslims like marching in the Sun.
Refrigerator Notes
My lovely Wife:
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, now being 54 years old, can now longer supply. I am still very happy with you and I value you greatly as a good wife. Therefore I hope you will, after reading this note, will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Motel. Please do not be upset. I shall be home before midnight.
New Refrigerator Note
My Dear Husband:
I received and acknowledge your note and I thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know I am a math instuctor at our local college. I would also like to inform you that as you read this I will be at the Quality Inn with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant Tennis Coach. He is young, virlie and like your sectretary 18 years old.
As a very successful businessman who has an excellent comprehension of mathematics you will understand we are in the same situation with one small difference.
Eighteen goes into fifty-four a lot more times than fifty-four goes into eighteen!
How to Rope a Deer!
Markabilly had this briliant idea of roping a deer, putting it is a stall for a few weeks and feeding it corn and then killing it and having delicious venison for several meals.
Since they congregated at his cattle feeder when he was feeding his cattle he figured this would be easy. The bold ones often came right up to him while he was putting the feed out. He figured it would be easy to toss a rope over one, hog tie it and with a bag over its head put it in a stall.
He filled the feeder and stood well back. The cattle having seen the rope before also stood well back. Well the deer came right up to the feeder and Markabilly picked out a nice large Buck. He deftly tossed the rope over the deer.
The deer just stood there and looked at Markabilly as he wrapped the rope around his waist. It appeared mildly concerned but just stood there. He took a step towards it and put a little tension on the rope. He took another step towards it and put some more tension on the rope. That was when Markabilly's education began.
The first thing he learned was that when you put a rope on them they may just stand there looking at you funny. But when you start pulling on it they EXPLODE.
The next thing he learned is that a deer is a whole lot stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range he could handle with little trouble. Not a deer.
It ran, it bucked, it twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it.
After the president has been in office for 6 months it is customary for
the last president to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the president was
somewhat troubled because it was writte n in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former
president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it
.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They
called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and
they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They
both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the oval office.
They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the
note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer
A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.
All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI
were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone
and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
Bush chuckled and replied: Dude .............You're holding it upside down!
Now that is funnyQuote:
Originally Posted by fousto
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Actual Headline in today's Canoe.Ca news
BODY FOUND IN GRAVEYARD
Emily-Sue had passed away and Markabilly called 911.
The 911 Operator told Markabilly she would dispatch the appropriate people right away and asked where he lived.
Markabilly answered 'Right at the end of Eucalyptus Drive.'
The operator asked him to spell it.
There was a very long pause and Markablly replied ' How about I drag her over to Oak Street?'
Define the "Ring of Fire"
When you reach for the Vaseline and get the Ben Gay instead !!
Bonus Time
Subject: A Few Affairs
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying !
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful
daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show you
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue..'
'What's t his?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer..
'Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
Supposedly true!
A doctor was caring for a woman from Kentucky in a hospital.
He asked her how breakfast was.
She replied 'It was very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I just can't seem to get used to the taste.
The doctor asked to see the jellyand the woman produced a tin foil package labled KY Jelly.
Scientists have discovered a food the diminnishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
It is called a wedding cake.
Ontario Provincial Police confiscated a $20 million marjuana crop the was being grown right next to a Girl Guide Camp.
The Police became suspicious when the Girl Guides sold $20 million worth of cookies.
It is early morning at CFB Borden. The sargeant is calling out names for the daily work parties.
Eki: Here!
Markabilly: Here!
Ion: Here!
Drifter: Here!
Seeback:
No answer.
SEEBACK:
No Answer.
A voice from behind the line called out:
Turn the paper over Sarge.
Sorry for no jokes for a couple of days. I have knee problems (30 odd years working on race cars and 15 years pretending to be a hockey goalie) and Wed. my right knee declared war. By this morning I could barely move. Family doctor away until Oct. 5.
Ex picked me up and got me into car about noon. Went to Emerg. Triage nurse (where you first go) looked at knee and agreed with me a Cortisone shot needed. Paperwork completed sat in waiting room 3/4 hour. No problem, not really an Emergency. Then into a bed. Two more nurses. They agree but a doctor has to see me. 2 1/2 hours later sees me and pokes and prods. Agrees on cortisone shot. He is new to Hospital and does not know if he can do this in Emerg. Answer yes. Now to my thinking why can't a nurse do it. Nope, protocol. When my doctor does it in his office he swabs the area with alcohol and injects Cortisone. His receptionist is not a nurse.
In Hospital what a production. Nurse come in an lays out an operating room. Bowl with disinfectant, 3 cotton swabs, bandage, forceps, 2 vials of freezing material, 2 needles and cortisone. Doc comes in complete with rubber gloves and a nurse! 3 swabs of disinfectant applied one after the other with Doc picking them up with the forceps. Crap running down my leg. Next the needle to freeze area. (Why bother, that needle same size as one with cortisone.) Finally Cortisone injected. Area doesn't bleed so opened bandage tossed.
Took altogether 5 hours.
Now I certainly admit that there were far more serious cases than me but the procedure to do the injection probably took a good half hour from the time the Doctor agreed with me and the 3 nurses!
If my doc had been available probably 10 min. max including the time to get the cortisone from a pharmacy, in the same building. And this is no joke but shows why health care costs are crazy. I have a Hospital closer to me in Midland than Soldiers in Orillia but all my records including what heart meds I take are at Soldiers. In Midland they would have had to contact Soldiers to get the info. Cortisone acting quickly so I can walk slowly with cane. Sometimes takes 3 days to start working.
After all that here is a joke.
A handsome youg lad from Victoria Harbour (that eliminates me) had to have minor operation.
He went to Soldiers Memorial Hospital in Orillia and checked himself in and had the operation.
The day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see him and how he was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses that who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pilows, make the bed, give back rubs etc.
"Wow, why are you getting all this attention? You look fine to me." his friend said.
"I know, I know. But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they heard my circumcision required 27 stitches."
Next time you want to be alone try washing the dishes.
Message to teenagers (Wade)
You may as well leave home while you know everything.
A computer once beat me at Chess.
However it was no match for me at kick boxing.
JOKE
Before marriage:
She : Hi
He : Oh, I've been waiting this ...
She : You want me to go ?
He : no, Not at all
She : do you love me ?
He : of course, big time
She : you picked the wrong woman ??
He : no, why do you say that ?
She : you wanna kiss me ?
He : every time I see you !!
She : you wanna slap me ??
He : are you crazy ? never
She : can I trust you ?
He : yes
She : My love
...
after marriage
Read the same text upwards ...
BUBBA'S Surefire pick up lines
Thank you for purchasing "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines" brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the hills. Enjoy!
1) Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away..
8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.
The year is 1947
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico .
This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.
It did for me.
No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!
Now You Know the rest of the story!
I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches around the world.
Maybe you have seen some of it.
I had a horrible dream last night.
I dreamt I had the worlds largest glass of Tequilal.
I woke up this morning and there was salt on the toilet seat.
Thank goodness I didn't eat the worm!
Drifter enters his usual watering-hole. The usual bartender has been replaced with a robot bartender. The robot serves him his usual pina coloda, perfectly prepared, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
Drifter replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biochemistry, environment interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology and sexual proclivities.
Drifter is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around and comes back in for another cocktail. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
Drifter responds, "about 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, Bathurst1000, cricket, super models, favorite fast foods and guns.
Really impressed, Drifter leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
Drifter replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says.... real slowly.
"So................You.. gonna.. follow.. the.. Leafs.. again... this... year?"....
Now you know Schmenke...if he grunts out a 25...he might ask about him being a Hab's fan.....Quote:
Originally Posted by schmenke
Only trouble is my favourite drink is Isle of Islay single malt scotch. I just can't afford it!
Come on now everybody knows the Leafs always win the Stanley Cup----In Sept. The last time they won I had played against some of them!!!!!
Anyway:: Statistics Canada in another one of their brilliant survey's has determined that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
And Health Canada has traced the swine Flu to one little piggy that went to market when he should have stayed home.
A pub in England has a condom machine in the Men's room which reads "Manufactured to Strict British Standards."
Scrawled underneath was "So was the Titanic."
Shmenke tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. 'I have circled this block for 20 minutes. I am late for an appointment and if I don't park here I will lose my job. Forgive us out trespasses.'
When he came back he found a parking ticket from the Calgary police and a note.
'I have circled this block for 20 years and if I don't give you a ticket I will lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'
Markabilly comes home and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.
He asks 'What are you doing?'
She replies 'I went to the doctor today and he said I had the breasts of a 25 year old.'
He retorts 'Well what did he say about your 60 year old ass?'
She replies 'Frankly my dear, your name never came up.'
My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
******************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
******************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
Long time no see curryhead! :)