Joke Time

After living in his own little world for years Markabilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picked up a mirror and looked at it. Not knowing what it was he remarked "How about that. Here is a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture' but on his way home remembered his wife didn't like his father. So he then hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for the fields he would go there and look at it.
His wife got suspicious of his many trips to the barn. One day after Markabilly left she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the mirror she fumed "So that is the ugly witch he is running around with!"

:laugh: :laugh:
I like barn jokes :p :
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_3_166.gif

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in
front of the White House,
he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes
and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs...these are
authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs.

I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got
one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes
and says,"Excellent trade, sir."

Not bad. :cheese: :laugh:

Donkey was leaning against a fence studying his crop when a car pulled up.
A city type govt. official got out and annouced he was from the County Dept. of Agriculture there to inspect the farm and crops for compliance.
Donkey slowly looked him over and said 'Well you can see all you need to from here.'
The self important official pulled out a wallet and shoved it under Donkey's nose. He announced 'This ID gives me the authority to go anywhere on your property and inspect anything and everything. Do you understand you old fool?'
Donkey looked over at the man and slowly nodded and then said 'OK, but I wouldn't go into that field if I was you.'
'I just told you I can go anywhere I want.' as he climbed the fence and started into the field.
A few minutes later there is a loud scream and the inspector is seen running as hard as he can for the fence with bull in hot pursuit. He yells to Donkey 'Help me. Help me.'
Donkey ambles over to the fence and yells 'Show him your ID. Show him your ID.'

A US Ag Student is on exchange in Finland and he comes upon EKI the Farmer at his farm. He looks around and then approaches the EKI.

"How is everything here on your farm? Are you treating your animals well?"

"Yes," replies EKI, "very well."

"Great," says the US Ag Student. He looks over and sees a cow in the barn. "You mind if I ask the cow how you're treating her?"

"Cow no talk," says the EKI..

Regardless, the US Ag Student approaches the cow and starts chatting with it, asking it how things are going. "Well, he takes good care of me. He milks me every morning and keeps us in good pastures with good grass to eat. I'm doing just fine."

EKI.'s mouth is agape as he cannot believe what he is hearing! The US Ag Student returns to the EKI.'s side and asks, "How bout the horse? Can I chat with him about the farm?"

Again the EKI. replies, "Horse no talk." But the US Ag Student approaches the horse, asks him how things are, and the horse says, "Things are pretty good. EKI. brings me fresh hay every week and we go riding every Friday to check the fences. Not bad at all, very happy to be here."

EKI. nearly can't believe his own eyes and ears. He is scratching his head in bewilderment as the US Ag Student returns.

The US Ag Student says, "So, how about I talk to one of your sheep..."

EKI breaks in quickly, "Sheep lie! Sheep lie!"

Grandma and Grandpa were spending the weekend with their son and daughter in law. Grandpa was brushing his teeth when he noticed his son had a bottle of Viagara.
Smiling he asked his son if he could have one.
His son said. 'Dad I don't think you should take one, they are very strong.'
Grandpa said 'I know but I want to try one. How much are they?'
'Ten dollars each.' his son replied.
Grandpa only had a $50 dollar bill but was going to the bank.
He told his son he would leave a $10 dollar bill under his pillow that night.
The next morning the son found $110 under his pillow.
He said to his dad 'Dad I told you it was only $10. There was $110 under my pillow.'
Grandpa said 'That's OK. The other $100 is from Grandma.'

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, Why are you eating grass?
We don't have any money for food', the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, the lawyer said.
But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.
Bring them along, the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, You come with us, also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me.
Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, Sir you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.

[youtube]uMH5BqVTLvU[/youtube]

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Firstgear

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, Why are you eating grass?
We don't have any money for food', the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, the lawyer said.
But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.
Bring them along, the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, You come with us, also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me.
Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, Sir you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.

---

Urban legend or true?
Link please!!

Dog rules (applies to children as well)
1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by markabilly

Dog rules (applies to children as well)
1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours

---

:laugh:

Back in the day...

An old Jewish emigree is interviewed by an Immigration Agency official.
- "How was it to live in Soviet Union?"
- "I couldn't complain."
- "And why did you leave then?"
- "Here I can complain!"

According to a survey in Housekeeping Magazine 85% of women think their bum is too big.
Another 15% feel their bum is too small.
The remaining 5% were quite happy with their bum.
And when asked they said if they had to they would marry them all over again.

Ma is in the kitchen doing the dishes when she hollers out 'Taz, you need to go out back and fix the outhouse.'
Taz repiles 'There is nothing wrong with the outhouse.'
Ma replies "Yes there is, now get out there and fix it."
So .... Taz mosies out the the outhouse and looks around and yells back 'There is nothing wrong with the outhouse.'
Ma replies 'Stick your head in the hole.'
Taz calls back ' I am not sticking my head in the hole.'
Ma yells ' You have to stick your head in the hole to see what is wrong with the outhouse.'
Taz sticks his head in the hole and looks around. 'Ma there is nothing wrong with the outhouse.'
Ma calls back 'Well pull your head out of the hole.'
Taz proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, lets out a yelp and starts yelling 'Ma Help!! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!!'
To which Ma replies 'Hurts doesn't it?'

:laugh:

Ma Bell had a line cut so our whole Park has been without land lines and in my case the internet for two days.
Anyway here is a short one.


Married men should forget their mistakes.
There is no need for two people to remember the the same thing.

http://adweek.blogs.com/photos/uncat...ervererror.jpg

Will I Live to see 80? Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits andexhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (Ijust turned 50.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do yousmoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? Isaid, 'Not much.. my former doctor said that all red meat is veryunhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,or bicycling?''No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said.



He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a sh!t?'

Markabilly is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm ok but I didn't like that 4 letter word the doctor used during surgery.' he answered.
'What did he say?' the nurse asked.
OOPS!

Doctors are threatening to go on strike.
Health Officials say they will be able to determine what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist to read the picket signs..

I had the swine flu.
I am better now.
I guess that makes me a cured ham.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports 9 out of 10 doctors agree 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

According to a recent marketing survey 32% of all diamonds are purchased right before Christmas.
Another 50% are purchased right after the test strip turns pink.

Politicians are like diapers. Both need to be changed regularly.
And for the same reason!

Markabilly is in Spain and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two huge meatballs in the centre.
When the waiter asks him for his order Markabilly asks about the meatball dish.
The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles and when the bull loses the bullfight this beautiful dish is made.
Markabilly tells the waiter he wants this dish for dinner.
The waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought but he can order the dinner for tomorrow.
Markabilly agrees and returns the next day.
When the dish is brought out he notices the meatballs are quite small and questions the waiter.
The waiter replies 'Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins.'

You should not say anything about the dead unlesss it is good.
He is dead.
Good.

You do not need a parachute to skydive,
You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.

"god is dead" said Nietzsche

"Nietzsche is dead" said God

Amtrack officials have invented environmentally friendly railroad crossing bells made from horse manure.
Instead of going 'ding ding ding' they go 'dung dung dung.'


Question: How do you get a man to do sit ups?

Answer: Put the remote control between his toes.

There was the time that Easy's little rug rat wondered in on him and saw Easy naked...off to mom, goes the little rugrat, all upset, so mom explains "those are daddy's little balloons. When daddy dies, they get blown up and they carry him to heaven."

A few days later, rugrat is callin mom on the phone, in tears, and saying "come home quick"

Why?

"daddy's dying!!"

"Why do you say that?"

"Ms donKey from next door is blowing up daddy's balloons and he is hollering, God, I am coming!!"

OL' Markabilly's better 9/10ths had decided that they had enough children and told him to go to the doctor for a vasectomy.
Markabilly went to the doctor as his wife instructed. The doctor explained the procedure and told Markabilly it would cost $2000.00.
Being the cheap sod he was Markabilly asked the doctor if there was any cheaper method.
The doctor told Markabilly to go home and get the biggest firecracker he could. He was then to light it and count to ten.
Markabilly didn't really understand how that could work but followed the instructions.
He lit it and began counting on his fingers. 1,2,3,4,5 at which point he put the firecracker between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

A conversation between Easy and markabilly (if I may):

Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Little old lady.
- Little old lady who?
- I didn't know you could yodel.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Donney

A conversation between Easy and markabilly (if I may):

Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Little old lady.
- Little old lady who?
- I didn't know you could yodel.

---

and I did not know that old Easy was a little old lady who could yodel....among her other talents with her mouth

The new kind of driver in F1 and why Easy and the rest of us old farts would never, ever make it...

http://forceindiaf1.com/images/adrian_image.jpg


http://forceindiaf1.com/index/page_id/859

well, maybe Tazio would fit right in......

Once upon a time a female brain cell ended up by mistake in Taz's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
'Hello' she cried "is there anyone here? She called out a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled 'HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?'
Then she heard a voice from far, far away 'Hello! We are down here....'

And now folks I give you the joke of the year---------
Nay the joke of the Century--------------


EKI

Drifter had not studied for his final exam because he had been up all night with MkBilly watching The Bridges of Madison County, so he was understandably nervous. Since it was a true-or-false exam, he figured his best shot would be to simply flip a coin to determine the answers.

Within 30 minutes he finished the exam and sat back to relax while the rest of the class kept sweating out the answers. However, during the last few minutes of the exam period he began franticaly flipping the coin again and became visibly distraught.

The instructor, concerned about Drifter's irregular behavior, stopped by his desk and asked if he was ok.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Drifter said. "I finished the exam a half hour ago, but I'm going back through it to check my answers."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Easy Drifter

And now folks I give you the joke of the year---------
Nay the joke of the Century--------------


EKI

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A few weeks ago it was Wade, ED you really need to get out more.....



As for my joke:


the Australian Cricket team.