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A man in Memphis had a wee bit to much to drink. About 5 blocks from the bar the police pull him over at a spot check. They ask him to get out of the car and do the walk the line test.
Just them the police radio blares out about a robbery in progress about a block away.
They tell him to stay put and take off in one of the cruisers.
The guy waits a while and then decides to drive home. He tells his wife that he is going to bed and if anyone comes looking for him that he has the flu.
A couple of hours later the police knock at the door. They ask to see him and she tells them he is in bed with the flu.
The police have his drivers licence and ask to see his car. She ask why but they insist on seeing his car.
She finally takes them out to the garage and opens the door where they find a police car with the lights still flashing.
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An englishman, an Irishman and a scotsman went on holiday together to Iraq. They were having fun, and so they decided to open a couple of cans of cool fresh beer. as soon as a drop of the beer had touched there tongues, The police turned up and they were all arrested for drinking alcohol. after several days in prison, it was decided that they could be released and let back to their countries if they had 50 whippings each first. The 3 agreed. Each were told that they could be granted 1 request for when they are wipped.
The scotsman was first, and his request was to have a cushion tied to his back whilst being whipped. The scotsman cried in pain as the whip went right through the cushion.
The englishman was next. His request was that he have 2 cushions tied to his back, but this didnt matter as the whip went through both cushions with ease and hurt the englishman very badly.
when it was the irishmans turn, he said ''Ah! why not give me 200 whips!'' the Iraqians happily said OK. ''but what is your request'' they said. ''Ah!'' said the Irishman, ''Tie the englishman to my back!''
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I took my daughter to her first hockey game.
Unfortunately it wasn't very exciting game.
Midway through the 3rd period the home team finally scored.
The giant scoreboard screen immediately began to flash the word 'G O A L'.
Over the roar of the crowd my daughter leaned over and in loud voice asked 'Who's Al?'
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Explanation: Orillia is called Mariposa in Stephen Leacock's famous 'Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town'.
A couple from Toronto are completely lost and end up at Orillia's waterfront.
'Excuse me,' said the driver to a passing young lady 'We are lost. Would you tell me where we are and what is the name of that beautiful lake?'
The young lady smiled at the couple and repied 'Orillia- Mariposa, Couchicing.'
The man's mouth dropped open and he he said to his wife 'We are a way up North. They don't even speak English here!'
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfatheer had passed away Katie rushed to her grandparents house to comfort her 95 year old grandmother.
When she asked how her grandfather had passed away her grandmother replied 'He had a heart attack while we were having sex on Sunday morning.'
Horrified Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no my dear' replied Granny 'Many years ago realizing our advancing age we figured out the best time to do it would be Sunday morning when the church bells started to ring. It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply up on the ding and down on the dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear and continued 'and if the damned ice cream truck hadn't come along he would still be alive today.'
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meanwhile the economic crisis hits Germany and the sausages take a turn for the wurst :dozey:
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JOB MARKET JARGON
Problem solving skills a must.
You are walking into a co. in constant chaos.
Duties will vary.
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Career Minded.
You will be flipping hamburgers until you are 70.
Self motivated.
Management will not answer questions.
Ability to handle a heavy workload.
You whine, you are fired.
Flexible hours.
Work 55 hours, get paid for 37.
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My Grandfather is hard of hearing.
He needs to read lips.
I don't mind him reading lips but he uses a yellow highlighter.
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A little boy goes to his father and asks ' Daddy, how was I born?
The father answers ' Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via E- mail with your mom and we met at a cyber cafe. Then we snuck into a secluded room. As soon as I was ready to upload we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button nine months later a blessed little Pop up appeared and said "you have got male".