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Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up ,takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says,"Dave that's one of the nicest most respectful things I have ever seen."
Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 20 years."
A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!!". They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
I Do Not Need Anger Management, You Just Need to Shut Up
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A man goes into a doctors with a steering wheel down his trousers
The doctor asks him whats the problem
The man says "You've got to help me Doc, this wheels driving me nuts".
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A seal goes into a bar.
The bartender asks what he would like to have.
The seal says "Anything but Canadian Club".
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote...
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry
me?"
The Princess said, "NO !!!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged
skinny long-legged big tittied broads and hunted and fished and raced cars
and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer
and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or
alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam
and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on
while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as
hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
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To get to the other side. :dozey:
Why did the neutrino cross the road?
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it saw DonKey's old lady coming on its side of the road.....
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Roamy and Donkey stop at a whore house. They toss $500 at the madam, Miss Kitty, and say, "give us 6 cold beers, two sandwiches growing fungus, and the fattest, toothless, ugliest, most stinking, sore-faced woman you have.
Ms Kitty says, "guys for $500 you can have any woman here".
Donkey says, "We are not here for sex, we are home sick........
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then ther was the time, that el donko caught his daughter working as a hooker at a street corner....
he told her, "WHAT would your mother think if she caught you doing this!!!"
She said, "she would kill me.....it's her corner
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An old World War II fighter pilot with a thick Boston accent was invited to the elementary school to give a talk on his war experiences. "One day I was protecting the bombers when I looked up and realized that two Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first Fokker and shot him down, but by then the other Fokker was on my tail." The children began to giggle, so the teacher spoke up to say, "Remember children, 'Fokker' is the name of a German airplane."
"That's true," said the pilot, "but these two Fokkers were flying Messerschmitts."
