Easy calls 999 and says "I think my Markabilly's missus is dead”.
The operator says how do you know?
Easy says "Well the sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
:dozey:
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Easy calls 999 and says "I think my Markabilly's missus is dead”.
The operator says how do you know?
Easy says "Well the sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
:dozey:
Is here something going on that I might have missed?!
Maybe. Check unwashed clothes and ironing to see if it is getting done.........
and donKey should not be talkin about his mama like that, even if she is my sister
Of course there was the time donKey found out his sister had died, choking on a condom we think.
Anyway, his brother telephoned and told him, "Sweet sister has died choking on a condom".
DonKey started crying and told him, "Well, my sister died choking on a condom, too.....i wonder...Do you think it was the same condom?"
:dozey:
In honor of Governor Schwarzenegger, an eleventh commandment has been added to the Bible.
"Thou shalt not share thy rod with thy staff."
Markabilly's missus is worried about him going Muslim...
when she caught him shagging a sheep he said it was 'islam and he'd do as he pleased with it. :dozey:
Some scientists decided to do the experiments on a dog :
first experiment - they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
Second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
Third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
Result of these three experiments - the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.
Acceptable use of The F-Bomb ...
>
> There are only TWELVE times in history when the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:
>
> 1. "What the @#$% do you mean, we're sinking?" -- Capt. E.J Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
>
> 2. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
>
> 3. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877
>
> 4. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938
>
> 5. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
>
> 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
>
> 7. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
>
> 8. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
>
> 9. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
>
> 10. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1998
>
> 11. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*ing mad." - Saddam Hussein, 2002
>
>
> And the new winner is!...
>
> 12. "I need a SEAL in my house like I need a @%#*ing hole in my head." - Osama Bin Laden, 2011
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
It's for things like this that we should remember him and smile.Quote:
Originally Posted by Easy Drifter
This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother f**king Manager you c*ck sucking a*se wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken f**king manager of this b*stard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".
"F**k off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the f**king piano?"
"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"
"Of course I f*cking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"
"I want to f**k your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"
"I wanted a w*nk over the washin' machine but my b*llocks got caught in the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.
"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I ***** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...
"Where's that bloody pianist?"
He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:
"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".
"Know it," the pianist replies, "I f*cking wrote it!"