Joke Time

easy was stumbling home from his drinking hole one night when he came across markabilly crawling around on the sidewalk under a lamp post.
"holy jaysush billy I din't think yez were that pished -hic !"
markabilly steadies himself on all fours, looks up and goes "I'm not pished eashy bro'. I dropped me keysh trying to get in me housh quietly so as not to wake the tiny monshter."
easy says "but I thought you lived over there acrosh the street"
billy goes "I do but it'sh too bloody dark to find anyshing over there"

Donkey's note to his wife left on the refrigerator:

Someone from Guyana Colleges called. They said the Pabst Beer was normal.

The Easy's go round to Billy's for dinner with his new missus. After eating, the witches leave the table and go into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and markabilly said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
Easy goes, "Oh yeah, what's the name of this restaurant?"
Markabilly knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his easy companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?
Easy replies, "A Carnation??"
"No. No. The other one" Billy says.
Easy offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"
"Nahhhh" growls markabilly... "You know the one that is red and has thorns."
Easy goes, "a rose?"
"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" ...
Billy then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Easy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week Easy comes back. "Doctor," he says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent... stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Mary had a little sheep
And with this sheep
Mary went to sleep
And this sheep
Turned out to be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Taz was driving down to chinatown to pick up his dry cleaning at 'Jimmy McDonald's' and was thinking that it was a bit of a strange name of a Chinese dry cleaning business.
When he arrived he asked the man behind the counter if he was Jimmy McDonald.
The owner replied 'Yep, I am Jimmy McDonald'.
Taz then asked if that was his real name.
The owner answered 'When I arrived in the US I lined up at the immigration counter. There was a man in front of me and when they asked for his name he spoke with a strong Scottish accent. He said his name was Jimmy McDoanald. When they asked me my name I said Sam Ting.'

Donkey returns from a trip feeling very ill.
He goes to the hospital where he undergoes a series of tests including one where he is sedated.
He wakes up in isolation after all these tests.
The phone beside his bed rings and he picks it up.
'This is your doctor and we have the results from your tests. You have a complicated disease called G.A.S.H. It is a combination of Gonorreah, AIDS, SARS and Herpes.' explains the doctor.
'Donkey exclaims "My gosh, what are you going to do?'
'Well, we are going to put you on a strict diet of pizza, Quiche, pancakes, Quesadillas and pita bread.' says the doctor.
'Will that cure me?' asks Donkey.
The doctor says 'No, but it is the only food that will fit under the door.'

old easy was trying to put the make on his 14 yo female cousin...."sweetie, I just love those rosy cheeks and sweet eyes..."

She responds, "Easy, your teeth remind me of the stars"

Easy thinking he is making some time on making her, says, "Darling, is it because they are so white and shining.."

"No, because they sit next to your whig when they come out at night...."

Taz along with his family were going to the dentist
'No expensive extras, Doctor,' Taz demands, 'No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Cost way too much. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.'
'I wish more of my patients were as strong minded and as brave as you, Mr Marsh, 'said the dentist admiringly.' Now, which tooth is it?'
Taz turns to his wife.
'Show him your tooth, honey.

taz still wonders why the wife got a divorce and his ferrari

Poor Markabilly is really depressed.
He asked his doctor to write him a prescription for Viagara.
The doctor refused saying it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemmed building.


A new film of Romeo and Juliet is about to be made.
Juliet will be played by Paris Hilton.
Romeo will be played by the US 3rd Infantry.

Q: Why did they plant trees along the Champs-Elysees?

A: Because Germans like to march in the shade!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Alexamateo

Q: Why did they plant trees along the Champs-Elysees?

A: Because Germans like to march in the shade!

---

when running like scared rabbits from the americans and brits

In 1979, Markabilly was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Markabilly approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Markabilly worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Markabilly, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Markabilly stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Markabilly never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Markabilly was walking through the zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where he and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Markabilly, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1979, Markabilly could not help wondering if this was the same elephant, so he summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Markabilly's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Alexamateo

In 1979, Markabilly was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Markabilly approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Markabilly worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Markabilly, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Markabilly stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Markabilly never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Markabilly was walking through the zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where he and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Markabilly, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1979, Markabilly could not help wondering if this was the same elephant, so he summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Markabilly's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

---

what a bulls*t story of a sorry donkey joke....I ain't dead yet despite the wishes of many on this forum......I EXPECTED BETTER FROM YOU BUT ALAS

when alexamatoewhateeverhis name is momma was carrying him as a yet to be born baby, she was the victime of a drive bye. The criminals fired a bunch of bulletes, two of which struck momma of alexamaeeowhathisname. Location being too dangerous to remove, the doc said the bullets can not be removed, so poor momma had the two kids wwith the warning that the two kids might expell the bullets at some future time.
the first child she named easy donKey and the second was alexawhateverits name.

the day came when easy donKey ran to momma and says he was peeing and this big lead bullet popped out.
momma said, don't worry easy, here is why the bulllet popped out.....

a couple of days later, momma hears a loud noise and her other son screaming bloody murder...momma I killed the dog!!!!


she rushes up and says, what happenned?

Little Alexamatwhathisname says, "momma, I was just playing with my little thing like usual and the next thing, I knew a bullet popped out and killed the dog when it hit him right in the head

Little Taz's teacher asked him, 'Tazio give me a sentence using the words "bitter end" in it.
Little Taz thought and thought and finally replied, 'Our dog chased our cat and bitter end.'

then there was the time that the pope came to town and needed a ride around town

after a while, the pope said, been a while since i last drove, do you mind?
so Markabilly jumps in the back seat and off they go.

but a bit too fast cause police officer alexwhathisnameo pulls them over

alex is immediately all excited, saying on the radio, "Jeeass, I just pulled over a very big VIP!!!
who, the mayor?
No bigger
the president?
No bigger
who ???
Jesus

well calm down, who is it!
jesus, guys, i told you
He is sitting in the backseat and got the pope driving him

and now you all know why Pino does not even think about really messing with markabilly
if i could just teach him some decent manners about calling people "buddy"

A man, in jail for life after robbing a bank, gets a letter from his wife.

"Honey, when is the best time to plant a vegetable garden and who do I get to dig the ground up as the ground is so hard?"

The man, knowing his outgoing letters are screened for security purposes, replies.

"My dear, you cannot plant a vegetable garden in the back yard, that is where I hid the money."

A week later the man gets another letter from his wife.

"Honey, someone dug up the whole back yard! What do I do?"

The man replies.

"Now is the correct time to plant the vegetables."

Children's Stories Written by Forum Members:

By Markabilly
Cat in the Hat Gets Whacked
Horton Hears a Who Beg for its Worthless Life
The Slaughter House at Pooh Corner

By Donkey
Harry Potter and the Suspicious Mounds of Dirt
Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea in Concrete Boots
Curious George and the Body in the Spare Freezer

By Easy Drifter
The Punk in the Trunk
The Little Chainsaw that Could
Peter Pain

By Taz
It's a Skill Saw Charlie Brown
Marvin K Mooney, Will you please Stop Twitching
Three Blinded Men

Newspaper Headlines

Trustees say "School Bus passengers should be belted."

Panda mating fails, veternarian takes over.

Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years.

Never withold Herpes infection from loved ones.

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.

Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents.

Local high school dropouts cut in half.

New obesity study looks for larger group.

Chef puts heart into Feed the Needy campaign.

Deer kill 900.

Red tape holds up bridge.

Arson suspect held in fire.

Cold wave linked to temperatures.

Taz, Donkey and Markabilly were making a big batch of Chocalite chip cookies to munch on during the Indy 500 qualifications.
Taz was busy stirring the batter.
Donkey and Markabilly were really working hard squeezing the rabbit.

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was told by the nurse to go into an exam room and wait for the doctor.
After arriving the doctorexamined the baby and asked the woman 'Is he breast fed or on the bottle'.
She replied 'Breast fed.'
'Well strip down to your waist.' the doctoer ordered.
She did.
The doctor pressed and pinched her breasts in a detailed examination.
After she dressed he said 'Well it is no wonder he is hungry, you do not have any milk.'
'Naturally' she said 'I am his grandmother but I am glad I came in.'

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Easy Drifter

Taz, Donkey and Markabilly were making a big batch of Chocalite chip cookies to munch on during the Indy 500 qualifications.
Taz was busy stirring the batter.
Donkey and Markabilly were really working hard squeezing the rabbit.

---

And why were they working so hard?
they could not keep pace with Easy who was doing such a great job taste testing

What did Markabilly do when his grilfriend started smoking?
He slowed down and used some lubricate

What is the difference between donKey and bonds?
bonds mature


Why don't women blink when Easy is performing foreplay on them?
They do not have time....

Why did Tazio's new bride smile as she walked down the aisle?
She knew she had given her last...err.... oral sex act

and why did taz smile when his new ferrari went over a cliff.....

Remember a pat on the back is only a few inches away from a kick in the butt.

Easy goes round to Markabilly's for his weekly bit on the side...
He says - "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."
Markamissus tucks away the dollar bill and replies - "Well, you certainly succeeded."

One day, three friends went to this "Gentlemen's Club." One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.

Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.

Now the attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a minute... then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

Doctors at a hospital in Boston recently transplanted material from a pig's brain to a man's brain. The man's brain did not reject it.
That pretty well confirms what women have been saying for years.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Easy Drifter

Doctors at a hospital in Boston recently transplanted material from a pig's brain to a man's brain. The man's brain did not reject it.
That pretty well confirms what women have been saying for years.

---

what??????????
that pigs think with their little heads, too
learn sumptin new everyday

Markabilly took his car in the the garage with a complaint about a clunking sound when he went around corners.
The service writer duly noted this on a work order and handed it to a mechanic.
The mechanic took the car out for a test drive and went around a right hand corner and sure enough there was a loud clunk.
He then went around a left hand corner and again there was a lound clunk.
Back at the shop the mechanic looked into the trunk and soon discovered the problem.
He returned the work order to the service writer with the notation ' Removed bowling ball from trunk.'

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Easy Drifter

Markabilly took his car in the the garage with a complaint about a clunking sound when he went around corners.
The service writer duly noted this on a work order and handed it to a mechanic.
The mechanic took the car out for a test drive and went around a right hand corner and sure enough there was a loud clunk.
He then went around a left hand corner and again there was a lound clunk.
Back at the shop the mechanic looked into the trunk and soon discovered the problem.
He returned the work order to the service writer with the notation ' Removed bowling ball from trunk.'

---

hahah :D

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jonathan@USRT

hahah :D

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And after reading all the posts in this thread, Johanthumb finally found one he could understand

Once upon a time, in a land far away a beautiful, independent princess happened upon a frog as she sat by a pond.
The frog hopped onto the princess's lap and said 'Elegant Lady, I once was a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into the dapper young Prince that I am. Then my sweet we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, have my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.'
That night the Princess dined sumptuosly on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs in a white wine sauce.

School Answering Machine

This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the ***** High School Queensland , staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine . This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

Unfortunately only too true in Canada as well.
My next set of jokes will follow the same lines with true stories.
Not tonight though.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Easy Drifter

Unfortunately only too true in Canada as well.
My next set of jokes will follow the same lines with true stories.
.

---

All of mine already have.

THE HAPPIEST FAIRYTALE EVER

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "No!"

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank whole bottles of wine, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled lots, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself.
She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her bum, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled and felt and looked fabulous all the time.

http://www.btinternet.com/~digital.w...he_shining.jpg


Easy says, I am home. Where is dinner, donKey?

"The real end"

The first testicular guard was used in Cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important

another from the same source as above:

They once said that a black man would be


President of the USA when pigs fly.

His first 100 days and Pig's flu!