Did you hear the one about the tractor? It turned into a field.
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Did you hear the one about the tractor? It turned into a field.
Back in 1994, Tommy Tuberville was hired to be the head coach of the Ole Miss (University of Mississippi) Rebels college football team. It was his first head coaching job. He needed some advice, so one day he sought out Jackie Sherrill, the coach of intrastate rival Mississippi State Bulldogs.
"Coach Sherrill," he said, "this is my first head coaching job, and I've got to admit, I'm a little nervous, I mean, This is the SEC! I want to ask you, How can I get as tough as you are?"
"I'll tell you what, Tommy," Coach Sherrill replied, "I'm going to Louisiana next week, Why don't you come along and I'll show you."
Well, next week came, and they went to Louisiana. They drove off into the swamps as far as they could go, and then they got out and walked with Coach Sherrill picking up a 2x4 piece of lumber he had placed in the back seat.
"What's the 2x4 for?" asked Coach Tuberville.
"You'll see", replied Coach Sherrill.
They went down the trail to the edge of the bayou, and Jackie said, "This looks about right, Watch"
Coach Sherrill then proceeded to unzip his pants and pulled out his pecker, and AT THAT EXACT MOMENT, A HUGE ALLIGATOR LEAPT OUT OF THE SWAMP, CLAMPED ON IT AND TRIED TO START DRAGGING COACH SHERRILL INTO THE BAYOU.
But Coach Sherrill calmly took the 2x4, and WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!, he beat that gator over the head with such force that it let go and disappeared back into the swamp.
"You see," said Coach Sherrill, "that's how you get to be as tough as I am."
"OK", said Coach Tuberville, as he started bending down, "but please don't hit me as hard as you hit that gator."
:p :
The OPP pulled over a tractor trailer on the 401 that was being driven a little erratically. Upon further investigation they found out it was being driven by a pig.
It was the first 18 squealer they had ever stopped.
Meanwhile back at the ranch Tonto not knowing the Lone Ranger was disguised as a log planked him.
I've got that dreaded furniture disease.
That is when your chest is falling into your drawers.
A man is driving along a motorway when the traffic comes to a stop.
After about an hour sat without moving moving the man notices someone coming from where the front of the hold up must be so winds his window down and asks him "whats going on"
"Terrorists have captured every member of parliament and threatening to set them on fire unless we give them Ģ10,000,000 , so we are having a whipround." replied the man standing in the road.
So the drievr asks: "How much is everybody donating?"
"About a gallon"
Meanwhile back at the ranch The Lone Ranger not knowing Tonto was disguised as a candle lit his wick.
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colours, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered women, invented sex.
Women discovered sex, invented headache.
Man has been all screwed up ever since!
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. They got their tent set up and quickly went to sleep.
Some hours later Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says 'Kemo Sabi, look towards the sky, what you see?'
The Lone Rnager replies 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asks Tonto
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute and then says 'Astromomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of Galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Meterologically it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you Tonto/'
Tonto is silent for a moment then says 'Kemo Sabi, you idiot, someone has stolen tent!'
Billy-Jo-Bob and Bubba have gone back packing deep in the mountains, miles from anywhere. They set up camp and Billy-Jo-Bob goes out in the woods to have a leak. Suddenly there is a scream and he comes running back to camp.
Bubba yells 'What's wrong?'
Biily-Jo-Bob moans 'A rattler just bit me on the end of my thing. I'm going to die.
Bubba says 'Hang on. I will use my Cell phone and call for help.'
He dials 911 and tells the operator what has happened. She patches him through to Emerg.
Bubba explains to the doctor what has happened and asks what to do.
The doctor tells Bubba that he will have to take a very sharp knife and cut a small incision where the rattler bite was. Then he will have to suck the venom out being carefull not to swallow any of it.
Bubba, ashen faced, goes back to Billy-Jo-Bob.
Billy-Jo-Bob looks at Bubba and asks 'What did the doctor say?'
Bubba looks pained and replies 'He said you are going to die.'
Even though i am from Sweden I the other day ended up with an english joke, which I have been testing on som e english friends. They approved, or maybe they were just being kind :) Ok here goes:
- Do you know why people from Rumania donīt emigrate that much?
- No...?
- Because they rumain...
Ok Iīll try this one aswell, even though it is really bad:
- Have you heard about the meteorologist?
- Nope...
- Whether or not?
Sorry about that: you should hear me in swedish...