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One Sunday morning a mother went in to wake her son to get him ready for church.
Her son grumpily said "I am not going!"
She asked "Why not?"
He replied "I will give you two good reasons. One is they do not like me and two is I do not like them!"
His mother replied "I will give you two good reasons you should go to church."
"One is you are 59 years old and two is that you are the Pastor."
There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Shelly is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Shelly surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelly.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Markabilly's wife was standing in the kitchen preparing his usual soft boiled eggs and toast for breakfast only wearing the T shirt she usually slept in.
As he walked in almost awake she turned to him and softly said 'You have to make love to me this very minute.'
Markabilly's eyes lit up and he thought 'I am either dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to miss the momet he embraced her.
Afterwards she said 'Thanks' and returned to the stove.
Happy but a little puzzzled Markabilly asked 'What was that all about?'
She explained 'The egg timer is broken.'
Paul the Octopus who predicted the World Cup games has died.
In lieu of flowers the family has requested that people send lemon wedges and tartar sauce.
China started conducting a nationwide census this week. Parents will be required to list each child's age, grade and occupation.
I know I am getting old. All of my birthday presents were purchased at the drug store.
My daughter got 8 out of 10 on her driving test.
The other 2 pedestrians jumped out of the way.
An Englishman, Welshman, and an Irishman are stuck in the middle of the desert. Amazingly, they find a lamp, so they rub it - and a genie appears!
As there are three of them, the genie says he will grant each one one wish each. The Welshman says "this place is so hot and dry I can't stand it. I wish I could be at a swimming pool with nice cool drinks and pretty girls". So the genie grants his wish.
The Welshman says "I really miss my family and friends. I wish I can go back and be with them". The wish is granted.
The Irishman goes "Boo Hoo! I'm all on my own now. I wish you would bring the other two back..."
That's an OLD joke yes, but the only half decent one I know!
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This is a true story (apparently):
Years ago in College, a friend said he was listening to the radio, and they had people phoning in for the funniest\stangest reasons they failed their driving test. One woman phoned in and told of how her test had started ok. She made a cautious start, turned out of the test centre fine, and just started to make her way along. Then suddenly the examiner shouted "STOP!" She stopped. The examiner instructed her to look in her mirror. "Do you see that woman lying in the road?" he said. "Yes" the woman driving answered. The examiner replied "you just ran her over...!"
On the subject, these are two reasons people I know failed their test, which I found quite funny anyway:
1.Didn't put his seat-belt on!
2.Another guy's mobile phone rang during the test - he answered it!!!
The Royal Bank was running a recent Password Audit and found Easy Drifter using the following password:
MickeyDonaldMinnieGoofyDaffyBugsElmerPlutoOttawa
When Easy was asked why he had such a long password, he replied,
"Fer crying out loud! Are you blind or stupid?
I was told my password had to be at least 8 characters long with one capital"
Hey Mkbilly, I appreciate your wife's commitment to a new career path as a lumberjack. I'll keep an eye out for any job postings around here and let you know.
Thanks for sending a pic btw.
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1269/...dbd39012d0.jpg
Quote:
Originally Posted by schmenke
she say, "go ahead, schmenke tricky dickie, you think kissing ain't cheating....then show me how you like to stick out that little tongue when french kissing..........go ahead, make my day"
"and just where is that easy drifter anyway, I also owe him a good chop.....all those crude comments about me, I think someday I will tell the world how he really got the initials ED..................guess everyone knows why donKey ain't a lawyer....he could never pass a bar.....
"anyway, got to go help out the old markabilly, got his kissing cousien coming over with her girlfriends....he will probably need some extra wood." :s mokin:
Easy bumped into Markabilly's missus by chance the other day. It had been a while. "Please no" he thought to himself, "don't get an erection"...
She did !
:dozey:
DonKey, there you go, blowing smoke again.
Smoke-as old as he is- must be getting pretty tired of that by now....