Joke Time

Markabilly is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask and still pretty groggy after a 4 hour operation.
A young student nurse enters the room to give him a partial sponge bath.
Markabilly mumbles groggily from behind the mask 'Nurse are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed the young student replies 'I don't know sir. I am only here to give your upper body a bath.'
He struggles and again mutters "Nurse, please, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly lifts the covers. She raise his hospital gown and holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other moving them slowly around and around gently.
She takes a good look and puts the gown and covers back in place and announces 'No sir they are not black and they are fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them.'
Markabilly slowly pulls up his oxygen mask and smiles at her and says very slowly ' Thank you very much. That was wonderful and I enjoyed it greatly. But listen very very closely

Are my test results back yet ? '

Fousto had apendicitis and his health insurance would only offer him a bed in a nun´s hospice. Being a fervent christian he figured all would be fine... in God he trusts and all that, so off he goes.
During the op, a single mother left a baby at the door of the place, with a note saying how she hoped for forgiveness and a better life for her son. The nuns had a hard think about how to deal with the situation, and finally Sister Mary came up with the bright idea:
"this is truly a sign from God. We have ol´fousto in here about to kick the bucket... if he recovers we can tell him the baby is his. He will sure lead a better life than here with us"
So fousto wakes up from surgery and is fine apart from a few sore stitches in his abdomen. "That´s quite normal after giving birth" said Sister Mary. "You´ve been granted a gift from heaven" she continues, presenting him with the baby.
Well uncle fousto, after all those years shooting blanks, was overjoyed at the present the Lord had given him, took the baby back to his ranch and told everyone it was his nephew -those infidel liberals would probably laugh at him if he were to tell the true story anyway.

Many happy years later, fousto decided it was time to confess.
"Easy" he said, "there´s something I need to tell you after all these years".
"Don´t tell me uncle" Easy replied, "You´ve raised me like your son... I always knew you were my real father"

"Father?" said Uncle Fousto...



"No, my son... I`m your mother"



"Your father must have been Markabilly!" :s ailor: :kiss: :eek: :arrows:

:dozey:

A man and a woman get to talk on a train. They quite like each other, so the man asks for the woman's name.

"I'm Carmen. Actually, it's Jennifer, but I like cars and men, so Carmen it is. What's your name, anyway?"

The man responds "Pleased to meet you, Carmen - my name's Beerpussy!"

Markabilly hobbled around to Easy´s for his weekly "session".
Easy welcomes him in as usual, a bit surprised at his funny gait and stranger than usual grimaces.

Then he notices the steering wheel in his butt.

"Sheesh Markabilly, doesn´t that hurt?"
"You bet!" Markabilly answers, "Give me some kool-aid quick..."

"it´s driving me nuts!" :s ailor: :kiss: :eek: :arrows:


:dozey:

short trip but not nearly as short as for many around here

Speaking of trips,

Easy bought DonKey from Mr. Markabilly the Great, who was finished using him. Easy asked, how do I make him go and stop?

The only way to make DonKey go is to say, "Hallelujah!" The only way to make DonKey stop, is to say, "Amen!" , said markabilly.

Esay was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on Donkey to try out the instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted Easy. DonKey began to trot like a buzzard.

With a "Hallelujah," he rode off very proud of his new Donkey and looking forward to some "good times" between the two of them.

He traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make Donkey stop. Old age was a problem for Easy

"Stop," said Easy. "Halt!" he cried. Donkey just kept going. "Oh, no... Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!" shouted easy. Donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge.

Finally, in desperation, Easy said a prayer. "Please, dear Lord. Please make Donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus's name, AMEN."

Donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!", shouted Easy.

Sign you should not have hired Markabilly as the Clown for your kids' party.

Clown car must be started with a breathalyzer device.
Scares the heck out of the kids with the severed limb trick.
Prefaces each trick with 'This is a little number I learned in the joint.'
More interested in squirting seltzer into his scotch than his pants.
Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match.
Props for his disappearing trick are a moving van and your wide screen TV.
All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.

Markabilly had a rough week. He noticed his gums were shrinking.

Then he realized he was brushing his teeth with Preparation H!

Attention Seasonal Visitors to Simcoe County

The Colts, Hornets and Baycats are as important to us as the Leafs, Raptors and Blue Jays and more fun to watch.
So you have a $70,000 car. We have $250,000 combines we use two weeks a year.
Women here hunt, fish and drive trucks because they want to. So you are a feminist. Isn't that cute?
Those are real cows and pigs in the fields along the highway That is what they smell like. It smells like money to us.
Get over it. Don't like it? Highway 400 goes north and south. Highway 12 goes the other 2. Pick one.
All males between 14 and 20. Pull up your pants. You look like an idiot.
Put your hat on straight. Your head isn't crooked.
We started hunting and fishing when we were 9 years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
See that kid in the field at 8 am on a Sat. morning throwing hay bales? He did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.
It is called a gravel road. No matter how slow you drive you are going to get dust on your BMW. I have a 4 wheel drive pick up because I need it to plow snow. Drive it or get out of the way!
Yeah we eat meat and potatoes here and wild game. You really want Sushi and Caviar? It is available at the bait shop. :eek:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Easy Drifter

Attention Seasonal Visitors to Simcoe County

The Colts, Hornets and Baycats are as important to us as the Leafs, Raptors and Blue Jays and more fun to watch.
So you have a $70,000 car. We have $250,000 combines we use two weeks a year.
Women here hunt, fish and drive trucks because they want to. So you are a feminist. Isn't that cute?
Those are real cows and pigs in the fields along the highway That is what they smell like. It smells like money to us.
Get over it. Don't like it? Highway 400 goes north and south. Highway 12 goes the other 2. Pick one.
All males between 14 and 20. Pull up your pants. You look like an idiot.
Put your hat on straight. Your head isn't crooked.
We started hunting and fishing when we were 9 years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
See that kid in the field at 8 am on a Sat. morning throwing hay bales? He did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.
It is called a gravel road. No matter how slow you drive you are going to get dust on your BMW. I have a 4 wheel drive pick up because I need it to plow snow. Drive it or get out of the way!
Yeah we eat meat and potatoes here and wild game. You really want Sushi and Caviar? It is available at the bait shop. :eek:

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Other than the sports teams and route numbers it sounds like upper lower Michigan to me.Yes theres such a place-You know ""north of Detroit, WAY south of heaven".