Joke Time

The last time the Toronto Maple Laffs won the Stanley Cup was in 1967.
It has become a bit of a joke that Leaf fans go around with a paper bag over their heads
This year is different!!
Now the players are wearing bags over their heads! :eek:

Pinched from a british rally forum:

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone If you still remember him, pass this on.

If not, join the majority and do nothing.

How do you tickle a rich girl?

Gucci, Gucci, Gucci---


What do you call a intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A rumour.


Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are over dew.


On your way home you take a right, 3 lefts and then you see 2 men in masks. Who are these men?

They are the umpire and the catcher.

Middle age is when the broadness of the mind and the narrowness of the waist change places.

One dark night outside a small town in Saskatchewan, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the nearby Melville rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Melville old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a super human feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief,
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".....da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

Schmenke's joke reminded me of a real life fire and I was a witness.
The racing group I was involved with had an annual party at one of the driver's homes just outside of Hanover, Ont. The town was called by us Hangover. It occurred in Feb. and was known as the St. Valentines Day Massacre.
One year an immensive bankrupt furniture factory caught fire, probably arson. The factory took up an entire large block, although there were a couple of buildings. This was mid 80's.
We got told of the fire at the party because relatives of our host had businesses not far away.
So about 8 pm in various stages of bombed we drove in to watch. Sobered up in a hurry.
The fire was huge and Hanover's Fire Dept. was totally overwhelmed. Two pumpers neither large and both probably from the early 70's or late 60's.
The Walkerton Fire Dept. was called in. For Cdns. Walkerton is best known for the tainted water disaster.
They sent their 2 pumpers, both about the vintage of Hanover's.
Remember we are talking towns of about 5 to 8 thousand people in very rural Ont.
One had a water cannon. It took 5 tries to get it working.
There was no question they were losing ground. Some extremely brave firemen (all volunteers) were in a tunnel connecting the two main buildings trying to keep the fire from the other building. They did suceed.
A Coke sign on a store across the street from the main fire started to melt. The firefighters and their trucks were closer to the fire.
Another relatively local fire dept. had been called on to assist. They had a relatively large Dept. for a town smaller than either Hanover or Walkerton but wealthy. They were also well known for their speed traps. They had 4 pumpers and a areial ladder truck. They refused to help. Would not send anything.
By this time people were being told not to use water and definetly not to flush!
Then the close by Neustadt Fire Dept landed. Their pumper was from the early 30's. There wasn't room on the truck for all the volunteers so they had the town municipal snow plow covered with men. Now we are talking real small town rural Ont. The one and only town truck had no licence as the MTO had pulled it off the road. It finally got stopped when it hit lightly a building.
The Neustadt Fire Dept had been on standby to help for 4 hours. Across the street from the fire hall was the Neustadt Tavern. Maybe there was a sober fireman but I doubt it.
Shortly after the reason they had been called became apparent. An areial ladder truck arrived from Owen Sound about 40 minutes away. The Temp. was about 15 degrees below 0 F. This was an open truck! Like not even an enclosed cab. The Neustadt pumper was solely to supply water to the Owen Sound Ladder truck.
As soon as they got it in operation the water cannon and other hoses were redirected as now it could be seen where to fight the fire.
When they got it under control there was less than a 1/2 hour of water left!
The area is now a beautiful park in Downtown Hanover.
Quite a night.
Real jokes will resume shortly.

Returning to our regularly scheduled jokes:

A Love Story.
I shall seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and control you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat.
I will make you beg for mercy.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.
And you will be weak for days.
All my love.

The Flu.

Rejected Dr. Suess Books:


Dr. Suess' Massage Parlour.
Dr. Suess and the Ladies of the Night.
Dr. Suess and the Tranvestites.
Dr. Suess finds a Hooker.
Dr. Suess leads the Gay Pride Parade.
Dr. Suess Discovers a New Pussy.
Dr. Suess gets High.
Dr. Suess and the Drug Squad.
Dr. Suess and the Madame.
Dr. Suess meets Mad Max.

A man from Drummondville, Quebec has attracted some attention when he filed his 2007 and 2008 Income Tax returns and listed his occupation as 'Hired Killer'.
Revenue Canada has yet to actually question the man about his response. He doubts they ever will as long as he encloses a cheque for the money owing along with his return.
Just in case you are wondering his actual occupation is a pest exterminator.

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb..."

"Who is it?", asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Barb -- it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose.. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."