Joke Time

Signs you are at a NAPCAR (sorry Starter NASCAR) funeral.

Casket features a Goodwrench paint scheme.
The deceased is referred to as being out of provisionals.
Eulogy is delivered by Dr. Jerry Punch.
Only the first 43 cars are allowed in the procession.
Hearse is referred to as the pace car.
First time mourners have a yellow 'rookie stripe' on the trunk of their cars.
No coolers over 14 inches are allowed in the chapel.
If a pall bearer trips a yellow caution flag goes up.
Hearse does a victory donut burnout in the graveyard.

Unashamedly pinched from pistonheads, sorry if it's a repost on here!

A couple got married and went to America for their honeymoon. Whilst there they visit a Red Indian reservation and there's an old Red Indian chief sat outside a teepee cross-legged with a head-dress, war paint, his arms folded and a serious expression on his face. Next to him is a sign saying "Ask me any question for $1 - if I am wrong I will give you $100"

The man goes up to the chief, places a dollar bill on a plate in front of him and asks him, "Who won the 1921 Scottish FA Cup Final?"

Without altering his expression, the chief answers immediately, without altering his expression, "Partick Thistle."

The man is amazed by this and continues on his way.

For their Golden wedding anniversary, they decide to visit America again. Whilst there, they are passing the reservation and he says to his wife, "Let's see if the old chief's still there!"

They walk onto the reservation and they are surprised to see that he still is. He goes over, sits cross legged in front of him and places a dollar bill on the plate. He raises his arm with the palm of his hand facing forward and says "How!"

The chief replies, "Sandy Blair - diving header in the 81st minute."

A little girl wrote to Santa Claus saying the only thing she wanted for Christmas was a sister.
Santa, touched by the girl's letter responded instantly saying "I would love to send you a sister but first you must send me your mother."

In light of another thread this may upset some people, all I can say is don't take evrything so seriously, anyway again pinched from pistonheads:


School Attitudes 1977 vs. School 2009

Scenario 1: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2009 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles phones with evidence of fight are confiscated. Both are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Mobile phone video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario 2: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and never disrupts the class again.

2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Jeffrey drops out of school.


Scenario 3: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normally, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist convinces Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark brings cigarettes to school .

1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Mohammed fails GCSE English.

1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2009 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally, insisting that making English a requirement in school is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977 - Ants die.

2009 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly with American airlines ever again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during playtime and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy; becomes gay.

A recent study has found that the average Cdn. walks about 900 miles ayear.
Another study found that Cdns. drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means on average Cdns. get about 41 miles to the gallon.

There was a woman who looked very old so she went to her doctor to see if there was any way to get rid of all her wrinkles. The doctor said there was an experimental surgery that should get rid of her wrinkles but there might be some side effects.
She decided to go ahead. She had a small knob on the back of her neck which she was to twist a little each day.
The wrinkles gradually disappeared and people commented on how good she was looking.
However there was something bothering her so she went back to the surgeon.
She told him she had developed bags under her eyes and that was bothering her.
The doctor looked at her and repied "Oh, those are your breasts."
She then said "Well, what about the goatee?"

:laugh:

An old man woke up screaming one day in the nursing home. He picked up and called his wife, who knew he had been constipated the day before.
When she picks up the phone he gripes 'That damn laxative was gauranteed to work by 8 am.'
His wife asks 'Well did it work?'
He screams ' Yes, but I didn't wake up until 9!'

Old and nicked from another forum:

London 11th August - A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference the Home Secretary said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Met Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," he said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Gordon Brown, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

It has been a long standing joke in Toronto, once the Leafs always won the Stanley Cup in training camp in Sept. that the fans wore paper bags over their heads so people would not recognize them.
This year, after the Buds super start of zip wins and 7 losses the players are doing the same thing.