Joke Time

BUBBA'S Surefire pick up lines

Thank you for purchasing "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines" brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the hills. Enjoy!


1) Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away..

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

The year is 1947


Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico .
This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean

Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.
It did for me.
No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Now You Know the rest of the story!

I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches around the world.
Maybe you have seen some of it.


I had a horrible dream last night.
I dreamt I had the worlds largest glass of Tequilal.
I woke up this morning and there was salt on the toilet seat.
Thank goodness I didn't eat the worm!

Drifter enters his usual watering-hole. The usual bartender has been replaced with a robot bartender. The robot serves him his usual pina coloda, perfectly prepared, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

Drifter replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biochemistry, environment interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology and sexual proclivities.

Drifter is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around and comes back in for another cocktail. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

Drifter responds, "about 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, Bathurst1000, cricket, super models, favorite fast foods and guns.

Really impressed, Drifter leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

Drifter replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says.... real slowly.

"So................You.. gonna.. follow.. the.. Leafs.. again... this... year?"....

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by schmenke

Drifter enters his usual watering-hole. The usual bartender has been replaced with a robot bartender. The robot serves him his usual pina coloda, perfectly prepared, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

Drifter replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biochemistry, environment interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology and sexual proclivities.

Drifter is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around and comes back in for another cocktail. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

Drifter responds, "about 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, Bathurst1000, cricket, super models, favorite fast foods and guns.

Really impressed, Drifter leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

Drifter replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says.... real slowly.

"So................You.. gonna.. follow.. the.. Leafs.. again... this... year?"....

---

Now you know Schmenke...if he grunts out a 25...he might ask about him being a Hab's fan.....

Only trouble is my favourite drink is Isle of Islay single malt scotch. I just can't afford it!

Come on now everybody knows the Leafs always win the Stanley Cup----In Sept. The last time they won I had played against some of them!!!!!


Anyway:: Statistics Canada in another one of their brilliant survey's has determined that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.


And Health Canada has traced the swine Flu to one little piggy that went to market when he should have stayed home.


A pub in England has a condom machine in the Men's room which reads "Manufactured to Strict British Standards."
Scrawled underneath was "So was the Titanic."

Shmenke tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. 'I have circled this block for 20 minutes. I am late for an appointment and if I don't park here I will lose my job. Forgive us out trespasses.'
When he came back he found a parking ticket from the Calgary police and a note.
'I have circled this block for 20 years and if I don't give you a ticket I will lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'

Markabilly comes home and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.
He asks 'What are you doing?'
She replies 'I went to the doctor today and he said I had the breasts of a 25 year old.'
He retorts 'Well what did he say about your 60 year old ass?'
She replies 'Frankly my dear, your name never came up.'

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
******************************************



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...
******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...
******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...
******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...
******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Long time no see curryhead! :)