Joke Time

Actual Headline in today's Canoe.Ca news

BODY FOUND IN GRAVEYARD

Emily-Sue had passed away and Markabilly called 911.
The 911 Operator told Markabilly she would dispatch the appropriate people right away and asked where he lived.
Markabilly answered 'Right at the end of Eucalyptus Drive.'
The operator asked him to spell it.
There was a very long pause and Markablly replied ' How about I drag her over to Oak Street?'

Define the "Ring of Fire"


When you reach for the Vaseline and get the Ben Gay instead !!

Bonus Time



Subject: A Few Affairs

The 1st Affair


A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying !
You've been playing golf!'



The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful

daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'



The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show you
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue..'

'What's t his?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer..

'Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'



The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Supposedly true!

A doctor was caring for a woman from Kentucky in a hospital.
He asked her how breakfast was.
She replied 'It was very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I just can't seem to get used to the taste.
The doctor asked to see the jellyand the woman produced a tin foil package labled KY Jelly.

Scientists have discovered a food the diminnishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
It is called a wedding cake.

Ontario Provincial Police confiscated a $20 million marjuana crop the was being grown right next to a Girl Guide Camp.
The Police became suspicious when the Girl Guides sold $20 million worth of cookies.

It is early morning at CFB Borden. The sargeant is calling out names for the daily work parties.

Eki: Here!
Markabilly: Here!
Ion: Here!
Drifter: Here!
Seeback:
No answer.
SEEBACK:
No Answer.
A voice from behind the line called out:

Turn the paper over Sarge.

Sorry for no jokes for a couple of days. I have knee problems (30 odd years working on race cars and 15 years pretending to be a hockey goalie) and Wed. my right knee declared war. By this morning I could barely move. Family doctor away until Oct. 5.
Ex picked me up and got me into car about noon. Went to Emerg. Triage nurse (where you first go) looked at knee and agreed with me a Cortisone shot needed. Paperwork completed sat in waiting room 3/4 hour. No problem, not really an Emergency. Then into a bed. Two more nurses. They agree but a doctor has to see me. 2 1/2 hours later sees me and pokes and prods. Agrees on cortisone shot. He is new to Hospital and does not know if he can do this in Emerg. Answer yes. Now to my thinking why can't a nurse do it. Nope, protocol. When my doctor does it in his office he swabs the area with alcohol and injects Cortisone. His receptionist is not a nurse.
In Hospital what a production. Nurse come in an lays out an operating room. Bowl with disinfectant, 3 cotton swabs, bandage, forceps, 2 vials of freezing material, 2 needles and cortisone. Doc comes in complete with rubber gloves and a nurse! 3 swabs of disinfectant applied one after the other with Doc picking them up with the forceps. Crap running down my leg. Next the needle to freeze area. (Why bother, that needle same size as one with cortisone.) Finally Cortisone injected. Area doesn't bleed so opened bandage tossed.
Took altogether 5 hours.
Now I certainly admit that there were far more serious cases than me but the procedure to do the injection probably took a good half hour from the time the Doctor agreed with me and the 3 nurses!
If my doc had been available probably 10 min. max including the time to get the cortisone from a pharmacy, in the same building. And this is no joke but shows why health care costs are crazy. I have a Hospital closer to me in Midland than Soldiers in Orillia but all my records including what heart meds I take are at Soldiers. In Midland they would have had to contact Soldiers to get the info. Cortisone acting quickly so I can walk slowly with cane. Sometimes takes 3 days to start working.

After all that here is a joke.

A handsome youg lad from Victoria Harbour (that eliminates me) had to have minor operation.
He went to Soldiers Memorial Hospital in Orillia and checked himself in and had the operation.
The day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see him and how he was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses that who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pilows, make the bed, give back rubs etc.
"Wow, why are you getting all this attention? You look fine to me." his friend said.
"I know, I know. But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they heard my circumcision required 27 stitches."

Next time you want to be alone try washing the dishes.

Message to teenagers (Wade)
You may as well leave home while you know everything.

A computer once beat me at Chess.
However it was no match for me at kick boxing.

JOKE
Before marriage:
She : Hi
He : Oh, I've been waiting this ...
She : You want me to go ?
He : no, Not at all
She : do you love me ?
He : of course, big time
She : you picked the wrong woman ??
He : no, why do you say that ?
She : you wanna kiss me ?
He : every time I see you !!
She : you wanna slap me ??
He : are you crazy ? never
She : can I trust you ?
He : yes
She : My love
...
after marriage
Read the same text upwards ...