Joke Time

Simcoe County (Where I live) Joke Week

Orillia OPP arrested a woman for causing an accident while talking on her cell phone.
The charge was driving while in-talksicated.

Last winter in a sleet storm my old windshield wiper blades fell apart.
Thinking quickly I pulled over and started looking under large rocks until I found 2 hibernating Massassuaga Rattlesnakes. I straightened them out and installed them. They worked perfectly.
What?? You have never heard of wind chilled vipers?


Last Saturday a Georgian Bay man was rushed to Midland Hospital after biting a Massassuaga Rattlesnake on the lips.
Today the Hospital upgraded his condition fro critical to stupid.

More to come.

Health Officials in Simcoe County are investigating an outbreak of E-Coli cases at the Coldwater fair.
It was discovered that all 20 people reporting symtoms not only all attended the fair but participated in a manure eating contest.


The owner of a feed lot in Severn Twp. was confused about paying an invoice. He decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said "You graduated from the University of Waubaushene and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000.00 minus 14% how much would you take off?"
She replied "Everything but my earrings."

A Victoria Harbour woman was worried wether or not her recently deceased husband had made it to heaven. She decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance. Sure enough after the usual mumbo jumbo of calling to the spirits hes late husband's voice was heard answering.
'Hello, Margaret, this is meee.'
She answered 'Fred, I just have to know if your happy there in the afterlife? What is it like there?'
'OOOOOOH. It is much more beautiful than I ever imagined. The sky is bluer and the pastures are more green and lush than I ever expected. All we do all day long is eat, sleep and make love over and over.'
Thank God you made it to heaven.' his wife replied.
'Heaven?' He replied 'What heaven? I am a bull in Severn Township!'

One Simcoe County joke and one Toronto joke today.
Last of the Simcoe County jokes for a while tomorrow,

My neighbor Steve, of the Town of Midland Police, arrested the owner of a second hand shop for indecency.
He was selling pawn-a-graphic materials.

It was so hot last weekend that Toronto Maple Leaf fans were removing the paper bags from their heads.

Simcoe County Rules of the Road

When pulling onto highway 12 cut off other cars and then drive very slowly.
In Midland never come to a full stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear ended.
Look behind you frequently with a very paranoid look.
Let pedestrians know who is boss.
Vary your speed inversely with the speed limit.
Always brake hard and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim
It is tradition in Simcoe Countyto honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three miiliseconds after the light changes green.
When riding a bike ignore all stop signs and red lights.
The faster you drive through a red light the less chance you have of getting hit.
Never maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front. This space will be filled by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous position.
Turn signals will give away your next move. An Orillia driver avoids them.
Always always put the brakes on before even considering signaling.

Apparently Eve had an Apple and Adam had a Wang!

There has been a major problem with the computers on the Space Station.The whole operating system went down. While they have got things sort of working now they are hoping to be able to get in touch with Tech Support when they next go over India.

Dress code for the classiest restaurant in Waubaushene:

Four teeth minimium!

When I was a kid I told my mother that I was going to run away from home.


She said 'On your mark----.


I will be a Mosport for 3 days so somebody else had better post!!!!

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of beer in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.



Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"


Little boy: "What the f___k do you think?"