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Schmenke having given up trying to eliminate pigeons is discovered by his wife stalking around the kitchen with a flyswatter.
"What are you doing?" she cleverly asked.
"Killing flies." he responded.
"Oh, killing any?"
"Yes. 3 males and two females." Schmenke responded.
Intrigued his wife asked "How can you tell?"
"It's easy. 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
Pinched from somewhere else.
The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.
Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.
Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet
Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact
Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine
Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle
Mate: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor
Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity
Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
Busher: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub
Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.
And for the Kiwis amongst us:
Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.
Health officials have scolded General Mills for claiming Cheerios lowers your cholesterol by 10%.
In a related story Capt'n Crunch has admitted he lied about his military record.
Signs you need a new car
Your mechanic charges you a 'pain and suffering fee'.
The speedometer only goes up to XV.
The wood paneling on your station wagon peeled off and revealed some downright hideous wallpaper.
The only thing on your dash that still functions is the 8 track player.
An Amish man shouts 'Perchance the time is nigh to upgrade thy wagon.' as he passes you in his horse and buggy.
Tires by Firestone, Brakes by Flintstone.
The 'Cheque thine engine soone' torch keeps igniting.
How do New Zealand farmers find their sheep in long grass?
Very satisfying!
Markabilly always orders lamb straight from said New Zealand farmers for his missus.
She can't get enough of the special gravy.
If Jenifer Lopez is J-Lo
And Lindsay Lohan is Li-Lo
What does that make Pete Docherty ?
Astromoners have discovered two black holes 5 billion light years away that are sucking up everything in their path.
They have named the black holes 'Revenue Canada 1' and 'Federal Spending 2'.
President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is
playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy?'
'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says Little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss... and it probably wouldn't be a f---ing accident either.
HOW MATH LESSONS HAVE CHANGED THROUGH THE YEARS
Teaching Math in 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production was 4/5th of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production was $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math in 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals and the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of his way of making a living? Topic for class discussion after answering the question. How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math in 2009
Un hachero vende una carretada $100. El costo de la producciones es $80.