Did you hear the one about the tractor? It turned into a field.
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Did you hear the one about the tractor? It turned into a field.
Back in 1994, Tommy Tuberville was hired to be the head coach of the Ole Miss (University of Mississippi) Rebels college football team. It was his first head coaching job. He needed some advice, so one day he sought out Jackie Sherrill, the coach of intrastate rival Mississippi State Bulldogs.
"Coach Sherrill," he said, "this is my first head coaching job, and I've got to admit, I'm a little nervous, I mean, This is the SEC! I want to ask you, How can I get as tough as you are?"
"I'll tell you what, Tommy," Coach Sherrill replied, "I'm going to Louisiana next week, Why don't you come along and I'll show you."
Well, next week came, and they went to Louisiana. They drove off into the swamps as far as they could go, and then they got out and walked with Coach Sherrill picking up a 2x4 piece of lumber he had placed in the back seat.
"What's the 2x4 for?" asked Coach Tuberville.
"You'll see", replied Coach Sherrill.
They went down the trail to the edge of the bayou, and Jackie said, "This looks about right, Watch"
Coach Sherrill then proceeded to unzip his pants and pulled out his pecker, and AT THAT EXACT MOMENT, A HUGE ALLIGATOR LEAPT OUT OF THE SWAMP, CLAMPED ON IT AND TRIED TO START DRAGGING COACH SHERRILL INTO THE BAYOU.
But Coach Sherrill calmly took the 2x4, and WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!, he beat that gator over the head with such force that it let go and disappeared back into the swamp.
"You see," said Coach Sherrill, "that's how you get to be as tough as I am."
"OK", said Coach Tuberville, as he started bending down, "but please don't hit me as hard as you hit that gator."
:p :
The OPP pulled over a tractor trailer on the 401 that was being driven a little erratically. Upon further investigation they found out it was being driven by a pig.
It was the first 18 squealer they had ever stopped.
Meanwhile back at the ranch Tonto not knowing the Lone Ranger was disguised as a log planked him.
I've got that dreaded furniture disease.
That is when your chest is falling into your drawers.
A man is driving along a motorway when the traffic comes to a stop.
After about an hour sat without moving moving the man notices someone coming from where the front of the hold up must be so winds his window down and asks him "whats going on"
"Terrorists have captured every member of parliament and threatening to set them on fire unless we give them Ģ10,000,000 , so we are having a whipround." replied the man standing in the road.
So the drievr asks: "How much is everybody donating?"
"About a gallon"
Meanwhile back at the ranch The Lone Ranger not knowing Tonto was disguised as a candle lit his wick.
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colours, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered women, invented sex.
Women discovered sex, invented headache.
Man has been all screwed up ever since!
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. They got their tent set up and quickly went to sleep.
Some hours later Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says 'Kemo Sabi, look towards the sky, what you see?'
The Lone Rnager replies 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asks Tonto
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute and then says 'Astromomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of Galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Meterologically it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you Tonto/'
Tonto is silent for a moment then says 'Kemo Sabi, you idiot, someone has stolen tent!'
Billy-Jo-Bob and Bubba have gone back packing deep in the mountains, miles from anywhere. They set up camp and Billy-Jo-Bob goes out in the woods to have a leak. Suddenly there is a scream and he comes running back to camp.
Bubba yells 'What's wrong?'
Biily-Jo-Bob moans 'A rattler just bit me on the end of my thing. I'm going to die.
Bubba says 'Hang on. I will use my Cell phone and call for help.'
He dials 911 and tells the operator what has happened. She patches him through to Emerg.
Bubba explains to the doctor what has happened and asks what to do.
The doctor tells Bubba that he will have to take a very sharp knife and cut a small incision where the rattler bite was. Then he will have to suck the venom out being carefull not to swallow any of it.
Bubba, ashen faced, goes back to Billy-Jo-Bob.
Billy-Jo-Bob looks at Bubba and asks 'What did the doctor say?'
Bubba looks pained and replies 'He said you are going to die.'
Even though i am from Sweden I the other day ended up with an english joke, which I have been testing on som e english friends. They approved, or maybe they were just being kind :) Ok here goes:
- Do you know why people from Rumania donīt emigrate that much?
- No...?
- Because they rumain...
Ok Iīll try this one aswell, even though it is really bad:
- Have you heard about the meteorologist?
- Nope...
- Whether or not?
Sorry about that: you should hear me in swedish...
A man in Memphis had a wee bit to much to drink. About 5 blocks from the bar the police pull him over at a spot check. They ask him to get out of the car and do the walk the line test.
Just them the police radio blares out about a robbery in progress about a block away.
They tell him to stay put and take off in one of the cruisers.
The guy waits a while and then decides to drive home. He tells his wife that he is going to bed and if anyone comes looking for him that he has the flu.
A couple of hours later the police knock at the door. They ask to see him and she tells them he is in bed with the flu.
The police have his drivers licence and ask to see his car. She ask why but they insist on seeing his car.
She finally takes them out to the garage and opens the door where they find a police car with the lights still flashing.
An englishman, an Irishman and a scotsman went on holiday together to Iraq. They were having fun, and so they decided to open a couple of cans of cool fresh beer. as soon as a drop of the beer had touched there tongues, The police turned up and they were all arrested for drinking alcohol. after several days in prison, it was decided that they could be released and let back to their countries if they had 50 whippings each first. The 3 agreed. Each were told that they could be granted 1 request for when they are wipped.
The scotsman was first, and his request was to have a cushion tied to his back whilst being whipped. The scotsman cried in pain as the whip went right through the cushion.
The englishman was next. His request was that he have 2 cushions tied to his back, but this didnt matter as the whip went through both cushions with ease and hurt the englishman very badly.
when it was the irishmans turn, he said ''Ah! why not give me 200 whips!'' the Iraqians happily said OK. ''but what is your request'' they said. ''Ah!'' said the Irishman, ''Tie the englishman to my back!''
I took my daughter to her first hockey game.
Unfortunately it wasn't very exciting game.
Midway through the 3rd period the home team finally scored.
The giant scoreboard screen immediately began to flash the word 'G O A L'.
Over the roar of the crowd my daughter leaned over and in loud voice asked 'Who's Al?'
Explanation: Orillia is called Mariposa in Stephen Leacock's famous 'Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town'.
A couple from Toronto are completely lost and end up at Orillia's waterfront.
'Excuse me,' said the driver to a passing young lady 'We are lost. Would you tell me where we are and what is the name of that beautiful lake?'
The young lady smiled at the couple and repied 'Orillia- Mariposa, Couchicing.'
The man's mouth dropped open and he he said to his wife 'We are a way up North. They don't even speak English here!'
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfatheer had passed away Katie rushed to her grandparents house to comfort her 95 year old grandmother.
When she asked how her grandfather had passed away her grandmother replied 'He had a heart attack while we were having sex on Sunday morning.'
Horrified Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no my dear' replied Granny 'Many years ago realizing our advancing age we figured out the best time to do it would be Sunday morning when the church bells started to ring. It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply up on the ding and down on the dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear and continued 'and if the damned ice cream truck hadn't come along he would still be alive today.'
meanwhile the economic crisis hits Germany and the sausages take a turn for the wurst :dozey:
JOB MARKET JARGON
Problem solving skills a must.
You are walking into a co. in constant chaos.
Duties will vary.
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Career Minded.
You will be flipping hamburgers until you are 70.
Self motivated.
Management will not answer questions.
Ability to handle a heavy workload.
You whine, you are fired.
Flexible hours.
Work 55 hours, get paid for 37.
My Grandfather is hard of hearing.
He needs to read lips.
I don't mind him reading lips but he uses a yellow highlighter.
A little boy goes to his father and asks ' Daddy, how was I born?
The father answers ' Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via E- mail with your mom and we met at a cyber cafe. Then we snuck into a secluded room. As soon as I was ready to upload we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button nine months later a blessed little Pop up appeared and said "you have got male".
There was a doctor, an engineer and a lawyer stuck on a deserted island for many many months. One morning they woke and found this incredible gorgeous babe of perfect porportions laying on the beach, obviously washed up from who knows where, laying there as naked as can be, without a stitch of clothing or anything else to be see.
As they gathered around her, as she lay sleeping all so innocently, the engineer says "man oh man, i been without for too long, i say we scr*w her"
The doc, say "I agree, sc*w her!!!!!"
The lawyer says, "You idiots! Out of what?"
Comments from Markabilly's performance reviews:
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. He only gargled.
If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.
He is not so much of a has been but more of a definite won't be.
This gentleman has delusions of adequacy.
He should go far and the sooner he starts the better.
He would argue with a signpost.
If he were anymore stupid he would be watered twice a week.
Wecome back my favourite sparring partner. I know you will make me pay for this. :D :eek:
what's the difference between markabilly and a donkey?
markabilly has forearms :dozey:
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_3_166.gif
and just what makes you think I have forearms??Quote:
Originally Posted by donKey jote
you and easy might want to start running real fast because neither kool aid nor hiding will do you no good :mad:
An old drunk stumbles into a Baptiamal service down by the river one Sunday afternoon.
He walks into the river beside the preacher.
The preacher notices the old drunk and says 'Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?'
The old boy looks back and says 'Yes preacher, I sure am.'
The preacher dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
'Have you found Jesus?' the preacher asks.
'Nooo I didn't.' the old drunk sputters.
The preacher in disgust holds the old boy under for at least thirty seconds this time. He brings him out of the water and asks in a harsh tone' Have you found Jesus yet?'
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
no probs... I got four legs :dozey:Quote:
Originally Posted by markabilly
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_3_166.gif
Speaking of jokes, I could say did you hear the one about Danica.....but all the real racers and racing fans I know immediately start laughing so loud and choking, I can never get the rest of it out about her slot being promised for the 500...........
Quote:
Originally Posted by Easy Drifter
well I wish I could come up some good payback, but unfortunately after much thought I have concluded that I cannot. :confused:
But I do have a question about your stories you have been telling. I figured out who the Lone Ranger is, you crafty guy, but I can not figure out why you keep calling the other guy, "Tonto".
Is that his real name or something you made up when you talk of the adventures you guys have had together?
Meanwhile back at the ranch Tonto not knowing the Lone Ranger was disguised as a piano tickled his ivories.
Careful paleface. I am honing my scalping knife. :eek:
markabilly I think it's because all people from Toronto are a bit Tonto
...that is certainly queer...opps I mean odd....thought that was only true in Frisco....err, I think I better go shave my head.... :burnout:Quote:
Originally Posted by donKey jote
I concur. The closest I have been to the Big Smoke (aka Toronto) in 4 years is Mosport.
I live in the wilds (at least to people from the GTA) about 120 k North.
Excuse me I have to go feed the sled dogs.
I mean we have 9 months of winter and 3 months of poor sledding! :rotflmao:
I think he means you el donkey. Be glad, because dull kives are more painfulQuote:
Originally Posted by Easy Drifter
That's certainly a bit queer...err I mean odd...I thought the bit Tonto people were all from frisco or brazilQuote:
Originally Posted by donKey jote
Meanwhile back at el ranchero the Lone Ranger not knowing Tonto was disguised as a bull rode him bareback. :s hock:
The Pope approves your devotion to the one true faith...Quote:
Originally Posted by Easy Drifter
Maybe not.
Meanwhile back at the Circle K ranch Tonto not knowing the Lone Ranger was disguised as a cow milked him. :erm:
You may be right. Don't tell him about the same sex marriage and he will otherwise approve....Quote:
Originally Posted by Easy Drifter
btw-the one above is a repeat...
there was the guy from kansas, so broke had to sell his car for gas money....then there was the guy watching a nastcar race on TV at a bar. Suddenly through the window, he sees a funeral procession going by. He jumps, pulls off his bodurham hat and hollers "silence!!" After the procession has completely passed by, he sits down.
The others are so impressed, they voice their admiration--"was a fine thing you did, to pay your respects like that!!"
He replies, "wern't nothing. After all we had been married now going on thirty years...."
In that case:
Meanwhile back at the Running Iron Ranch Tonto not knowing the Lone Ranger was disguised as a lollipop licked his tip. :p
It was entertainment night at the Seniors' centre and Claudio the Amazing Hypnotist was the feature headliner.
Seniors came from miles around to see this famous hypnotist do his stuff.
The excitement was almost electric as Claudio withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It has been in my family for 6 generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while chanting 'Watch the watch, watch the watch.'
The seniors became meserized as the watch swayed back and forth.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the watch as it swayed back and forth.
Suddenly it slipped from Claudio's fingers and fell to the floor breaking into little pieces.
'Crap' said Claudio.
It took three days to clean up the Seniors' centre.