Joke Time

There was this lawyer named Alexattornycheatemandhowateo who died and got to the pearly gates. St peter says well, what have you ever done for your fellow man?
he thinks long and hard and shrugs his shoulder.
St Peter, starts giving him encouragment. Think of just one thing!!
He thinks long and hard and says, "Yes I remember at one Christmas, I once saw a homeless man named Easy shivering in the cold, it seems his old lady had hooked up with some trucker and left him, but hooked up the home on the trucker's truck and took off with both woman and home"

Says St Peter, "so what did you do?"
"I gave him an old blanket I just happenned to have in the trunk as it usually stayed in the garage for the dog...."
Peter: "so what you think it was worth?"
Alexattorneycheatemandhowteo: "well probably about a dollar.."
St Peter looks over his shoulder and says "WELL??"
This big booming voice comes back and says "Give him his dollar back and tell him to go to hell"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Easy Drifter

Taz goes into a resaurant and notices there is a peel and win sticker on his coffee cup. So he peels it of, looks and starts yelling 'I've won a motorhome, I've won a motorhome.'
The waitress comes over and tells Taz 'That is impossible, sir as the biggest prize is a free lunch.'
Taz shakes his head and keeps yelling 'I've won a motorhome. I've won a motorhome.'
The manager comes over and says 'I am sorry sir. but you are mistaken. We do not have a motorhome as a prize.'
Taz insists 'No it is not a mistake. I have won a motorhome'.
He hands the ticket to the manager.
The manager looks at it and reads 'WINABAGEL.'

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No mistake, I have the proof right here!!

The taz challenging for the lead, while the hamster eats his dust and exhaust fumes:

http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/un...0px-OndiF1.PNG

Quote:

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Originally Posted by markabilly

DonKey, I do not know what you are talking about. Neither one looks anything like my sister or my brother bubba

Anyway;

An Easy, Tazio and donKey were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch.

Easy said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

Tazio opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Pasta again! If I get pasta one more time, I'm going to jump off too."

Donkey opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

Next day Esay opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. Tazio opens his lunch, sees pasta and jumps too.

Donkey opens his lunch, sees the bologna jumps and lands on his ass, resulting in the rare but painful "disappearing death".

At the funeral, Easy's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

Tazio's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him linguini or mastacholi! I didn't realize he hated pasta so much."

Everyone turned and stared at el donKey vulture's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He made his own lunch."

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Hate to put a damper on such a mediocre joke, but Mostacholi and Linguine are also pasta's.
Are you suggesting my ex-wife is too stupid to know the difference?
You should chose your words more wisely.....She has a great attorney.
Trust me :p :

How do I set the laser printer to stun?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.

I am not crazy. I have just been in a bad mood for 30 years.

And your crybaby opinion would be---?

When I want your opinion I will give it to you.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tazio

You should chose your words more wisely.....She has a great attorney.
Trust me :p :

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And my thoughts are that you have more scars than necessary to prove that to be true....
mediocre joke? hey it is free just like the winabago...besides you know the characters I have to work with, is very limited
Besides as I have found out myself, ex-wives are too stupid to know much of anything or we would not have sent them packing, would we....and truth remains a defense

Markabilly's lawyer arrived at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter greeted him and said. 'Welcome and come right in. You are the first lawyer to ever be admitted and a Saint at that!'

How does one feel mixed emotions?
Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari

What is pure joy?
Watching your wife's attorney drive over a cliff in your new ferrari that he collected as his fee

What is pure out of this world, better than sex, ectasy?
Your ex-wife was the passenger

If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, who do you shoot?
Shoot the lawyer twice.

What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and everybody else thinks the jokes are true.

It is unlawful to hunt lawyers using bait, dogs, salt, aircraft or while they are within 200 feet of a mercedes or beemer car dealership, or within 330 feet of someone else's car accident

Quote:

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Originally Posted by markabilly

How does one feel mixed emotions?
Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari

What is pure joy?
Watching your wife's attorney drive over a cliff in your new ferrari that he collected as his fee

What is pure out of this world, better than sex, ectasy?
Your ex-wife was the passenger

If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, who do you shoot?
Shoot the lawyer twice.

What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and everybody else thinks the jokes are true.

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"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers."


Henry The Sixth, Part 2 Act 4, scene 2, 71–78

A wise lawyer once observed another lawyer harshly criticizing someone in a bar. That person took umbrage and knocked the lawyer so hard that he went right to sleep.

Quietly and with proper air of authority, wise lawyer informed young lawyer upon his awaking from his deep slumber, that before criticising someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. In that manner, when you criticise them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.