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One Sunday morning a mother went in to wake her son to get him ready for church.
Her son grumpily said "I am not going!"
She asked "Why not?"
He replied "I will give you two good reasons. One is they do not like me and two is I do not like them!"
His mother replied "I will give you two good reasons you should go to church."
"One is you are 59 years old and two is that you are the Pastor."
There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Shelly is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Shelly surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelly.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Markabilly's wife was standing in the kitchen preparing his usual soft boiled eggs and toast for breakfast only wearing the T shirt she usually slept in.
As he walked in almost awake she turned to him and softly said 'You have to make love to me this very minute.'
Markabilly's eyes lit up and he thought 'I am either dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to miss the momet he embraced her.
Afterwards she said 'Thanks' and returned to the stove.
Happy but a little puzzzled Markabilly asked 'What was that all about?'
She explained 'The egg timer is broken.'
Paul the Octopus who predicted the World Cup games has died.
In lieu of flowers the family has requested that people send lemon wedges and tartar sauce.
China started conducting a nationwide census this week. Parents will be required to list each child's age, grade and occupation.
I know I am getting old. All of my birthday presents were purchased at the drug store.
My daughter got 8 out of 10 on her driving test.
The other 2 pedestrians jumped out of the way.
An Englishman, Welshman, and an Irishman are stuck in the middle of the desert. Amazingly, they find a lamp, so they rub it - and a genie appears!
As there are three of them, the genie says he will grant each one one wish each. The Welshman says "this place is so hot and dry I can't stand it. I wish I could be at a swimming pool with nice cool drinks and pretty girls". So the genie grants his wish.
The Welshman says "I really miss my family and friends. I wish I can go back and be with them". The wish is granted.
The Irishman goes "Boo Hoo! I'm all on my own now. I wish you would bring the other two back..."
That's an OLD joke yes, but the only half decent one I know!
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This is a true story (apparently):
Years ago in College, a friend said he was listening to the radio, and they had people phoning in for the funniest\stangest reasons they failed their driving test. One woman phoned in and told of how her test had started ok. She made a cautious start, turned out of the test centre fine, and just started to make her way along. Then suddenly the examiner shouted "STOP!" She stopped. The examiner instructed her to look in her mirror. "Do you see that woman lying in the road?" he said. "Yes" the woman driving answered. The examiner replied "you just ran her over...!"
On the subject, these are two reasons people I know failed their test, which I found quite funny anyway:
1.Didn't put his seat-belt on!
2.Another guy's mobile phone rang during the test - he answered it!!!
The Royal Bank was running a recent Password Audit and found Easy Drifter using the following password:
MickeyDonaldMinnieGoofyDaffyBugsElmerPlutoOttawa
When Easy was asked why he had such a long password, he replied,
"Fer crying out loud! Are you blind or stupid?
I was told my password had to be at least 8 characters long with one capital"
Hey Mkbilly, I appreciate your wife's commitment to a new career path as a lumberjack. I'll keep an eye out for any job postings around here and let you know.
Thanks for sending a pic btw.
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1269/...dbd39012d0.jpg
Quote:
Originally Posted by schmenke
she say, "go ahead, schmenke tricky dickie, you think kissing ain't cheating....then show me how you like to stick out that little tongue when french kissing..........go ahead, make my day"
"and just where is that easy drifter anyway, I also owe him a good chop.....all those crude comments about me, I think someday I will tell the world how he really got the initials ED..................guess everyone knows why donKey ain't a lawyer....he could never pass a bar.....
"anyway, got to go help out the old markabilly, got his kissing cousien coming over with her girlfriends....he will probably need some extra wood." :s mokin:
Easy bumped into Markabilly's missus by chance the other day. It had been a while. "Please no" he thought to himself, "don't get an erection"...
She did !
:dozey:
DonKey, there you go, blowing smoke again.
Smoke-as old as he is- must be getting pretty tired of that by now....
Easy calls 999 and says "I think my Markabilly's missus is dead”.
The operator says how do you know?
Easy says "Well the sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
:dozey:
Is here something going on that I might have missed?!
Maybe. Check unwashed clothes and ironing to see if it is getting done.........
and donKey should not be talkin about his mama like that, even if she is my sister
Of course there was the time donKey found out his sister had died, choking on a condom we think.
Anyway, his brother telephoned and told him, "Sweet sister has died choking on a condom".
DonKey started crying and told him, "Well, my sister died choking on a condom, too.....i wonder...Do you think it was the same condom?"
:dozey:
In honor of Governor Schwarzenegger, an eleventh commandment has been added to the Bible.
"Thou shalt not share thy rod with thy staff."
Markabilly's missus is worried about him going Muslim...
when she caught him shagging a sheep he said it was 'islam and he'd do as he pleased with it. :dozey:
Some scientists decided to do the experiments on a dog :
first experiment - they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
Second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
Third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
Result of these three experiments - the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.
Acceptable use of The F-Bomb ...
>
> There are only TWELVE times in history when the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:
>
> 1. "What the @#$% do you mean, we're sinking?" -- Capt. E.J Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
>
> 2. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
>
> 3. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877
>
> 4. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938
>
> 5. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
>
> 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
>
> 7. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
>
> 8. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
>
> 9. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
>
> 10. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1998
>
> 11. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*ing mad." - Saddam Hussein, 2002
>
>
> And the new winner is!...
>
> 12. "I need a SEAL in my house like I need a @%#*ing hole in my head." - Osama Bin Laden, 2011
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
It's for things like this that we should remember him and smile.Quote:
Originally Posted by Easy Drifter
This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother f**king Manager you c*ck sucking a*se wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken f**king manager of this b*stard joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".
"F**k off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the f**king piano?"
"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"
"Of course I f*cking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"
"I want to f**k your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"
"I wanted a w*nk over the washin' machine but my b*llocks got caught in the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.
"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I ***** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...
"Where's that bloody pianist?"
He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:
"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".
"Know it," the pianist replies, "I f*cking wrote it!"
wow,
I did not know you played the piano
meanwhile back at the ranch, the lone ranger saw tonto was riding donkey
They don't call me clever dick for nothing y'know.....Quote:
Originally Posted by markabilly
Nixon could play the piano too...his mother taught him
You're lucky; they don't call me clever dick at all.Quote:
Originally Posted by SGWilko
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana
or as they would say in Germany (Fliegen=flies, fliegen=to fly ;) ):
Wenn Fliegen hinter Fliegen fliegen, fliegen Fliegen Fliegen nach... Bananen :p
so while fruit flies may like a banana, what does time have to do with that
Four. Two on the front seats and two on the back seat.Quote:
Originally Posted by markabilly
Four. Two to hold the bulb and two to turn them.
I only need her two hands for her to choke it and make it fly.........
http://cdn.thefrisky.com/images/uplo..._chicken_t.jpg
stoopid chicken should have crossed the road when it saw yer ex....
Arsenal :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
well, I warned you to run faster.....Quote:
Originally Posted by donKey jote
donkey and his old lady were shopping, and he goes to get a case of cheap wine. She hollers, "how much is that?"
He says, $10.00" She says, "put it back, that is too much"
They go down some more isles, and she picks up a bottle for face cream. Donkey says, "I see the price, and that is too much"
She says, "but it makes me look better"
He says, "so does the wine and it is much much cheaper...."
then the fight started
and then there are parking meters for streetwalkers....
German city introduces parking meter for prostitutes - Yahoo! News
explains why Donkey's old lady is always trying to borrow dimes
Billy is just back from the Blindfolded World Wa(n)king Championships... he has no idea where he came though. :dozey:
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America! Jimmy Fallon
I bought a new Chevy Avalanche and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. 'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson
I drove away happy, and for the next few days every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, 'Asshole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,
"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States,
Barack Hussein Obama
That's a little unfortunate language Daniel.......Quote:
Originally Posted by Daniel
One day Donkey gets off work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday and he does not want his daughter's mother bitchin him out for forgetting...after all is said and done, her mother is his sister. :rolleyes:
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $20, Shopping Barbie for $20, Beach Barbie for $20, Disco Barbie for $20, Ballerina Barbie for $20, Astronaut Barbie for $20, Skater Barbie for $20 and Divorced Barbie for $260."
Donkey say, "What?! How much?? Why is the Divorced Barbie so high when the others are only $20?" The answer is "Well, the divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's friends, Ken's TV, Ken's Money, and a gold necklace that Ken paid for and now has Ken's balls hanging from it......"
What part does Shrek play in these jokes?Quote:
Originally Posted by markabilly
donot know. what joke do you want to be in?Quote:
Originally Posted by SGWilko