Just to make you happy. It is me.
Except I am an only brat.
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Just to make you happy. It is me.
Except I am an only brat.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.
They have also discovered other similarities but can't remember what they are.
Markabilly's doctor said he looked like a million dollars.
Green and wrinkled.
What do people in Winnipeg do in the summer?
If it falls on a Sunday they have a picnic.
England has approved Viagra in a liquid form.
Directions are to mix the Viagra with their tea.
This way they will be able to keep a stiff upper lip.
Things to remember from your family camping trip.
Improvising with those handy shiny green leaves for toilet paper may have been a rash decision.
Last time you started a campfire 3 counties asked for federal disaster aid.
Good thing you read that lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.
Bad thing is you forgot to remove it from your navel before applying the match.
As you are setting up your campsite ensure the local bears are not drawing chalk outlines.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
Old socks can be made into a high fibre beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
A potato baked in the coals for 1 hour makes an excellent side dish.
A potato baked in the coals for 3 hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a
rich Chinese Businessman and a
Newfie were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers
in front of them.
The Newfie fumed, 'What's with those
guys? We must have been waiting
for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't
know, but I've never seen such
poor golf!'
The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move
it, time is money'
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes
George the greens keeper. Let's
have a word with him.'
'Hello, George!', said the Catholic
Priest, 'What's wrong with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh,
yes. That's a group of blind
fire fighters. They lost their sight
saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for
free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad.
I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm
going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if
there's anything he can do for
them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think
I'll donate $50,000 to the
fire-fighters in honour of these brave
souls'
The Newfie said, 'Why the f**k can't they
play at night?'
Taz' Simple Tips to Light a Campfire
1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of smaller fragments, including those buried in hands.
6. Light match.
7. Light match.
8, Repeat ' A Scout is cheerful' and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11.When fire is burning collect more firewood.
12.Upon discovering fire appears to have gone out while searching for more wood, soak wood from can labled Kerosene.
13. Treat face and arms for second degree burns.
14. Re-lable can to read Gasoline.
15. When fire is burning well add remaining firewood.
16. When thunderstorm has passed repeat steps 1 to 15.
Stephen Harper said one of the dinners they will be serving at the Deerhurst Resort in Muskoka for the G-8 Summit will 'Salads from around the World'.
President Obama said 'Great, I will be bring 5 million gallons of my new 'Gulf Coast Salad Dressing.'
Markabilly wears the pants in his house.
However, his wife tells him which pair to put on.
In the Village of Waubaushene, Ont. the parish priest held monthly meetings restricted to married men.
At one meeting he announced that Luigi had been married to one woman for almost 50 years and the their anniversary was coming up. He asked Luigi to tell everyone about the success of his long marriage.
Luigi spoke 'Well its'a like'a dis. I treat'a her good, bring her da flowers and gifts. Don'na make her work too hard an' on the 20th wedding anniversary I took'a her on a trip back to Italy.'
The good father said 'That is great Luigi. What are you going to do for your 50th wedding anniversary.
Luigi responded, 'Well I think'a I goin' to bring'a her back.'
What does NASCAR stand for?
Non Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks. :vader:
Good thing I can keep coming up with some as the rest of you sure aren't much help.
Taz got pulled over for doing 80 in a 60. Taz says to the officer 'Geez, I had the cruise control set at 60. Maybe your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says 'Now dear, you know we don't have cruise control on this car.'
As the officer writes out the ticket Taz growls to his wife 'Can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The lovely wife smiles and says 'You should be thankful the radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out another ticket for the illegal radar detector Taz glowers at his wife and says 'Why can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says 'I notice you are not wearing your seat belt. That is another fine.'
Taz say 'Yes, but I had it on and just took it off to get my licence out of my back pocket.'
Taz's wife sweetly says 'Dear, you know you never wear your seat belt.'
As the officer is writing out yet another ticket good old Taz says to his wife 'Why don't you just shut up?'
The officer looks over at Mrs. Taz and asks 'Does your husband always talk to you this way?'
She innocently replies 'Only when he has had too much to drink.'
Team Lead: We still have more work to be done lets double time people.
Employee 1: We still have this bunch of loads we need to double time.
Employee 2: It's almost 10 pm 2 hours to go we can't make it.
Employee 3: If we can't kill the work we just have to kill the time.
Markabilly's wife was getting frustrated. He just wasn't paying much attention to her.
She decided to buy a pair of crotchless panties. She put them on with a garter belt and nylons, a low cut blouse and her shortest tightest mini skirt. She sat across from him and after a while uncrossed her legs and opened her legs a bit.
Markabilly looked over, got a startled exprssion on his face and asked 'Are you wearing crotchless panties?'
She sweetly replied ' Yes I am.'
Markabilly responded ' Oh thank God. I was afraid you were sitting on the cat.'
ahahahaha lol what a lovely cat she was sitting probably the most huggable pet in the house for them :D
The Tunnel
Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don\'t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
A young lad went to visit his grandfather for a week.
On the first night he found a thick slimy goo on his plate and he asked his grandfather 'Is this plate clean?'
'As clean as cold water can get them.' was the answer.
This went on all week.
On the last day when the young lad was trying to leave the dog barred his way.
So he caalled out 'Grandpa the dog won't let me past.'
His grandpa replied 'Cold Water go lie down.' :eek:
something from another forum, beneath a photo of flavio and the kid who accidentally crashed and accidentally permitted fred to win a certain race, showing them walking down pit lane:
Now what movie was that stolen from???Quote:
Flavio: Night of the race, you might feel a slight sting. That's pride f*ckin' with you. F*ck pride! Pride only hurts, it never helps. You fight through that sh*t. 'Cause a year from now, when you kicking it in the Caribbean, you gonna say to yourself, "Flavio Briatore was right."
Nelson: I got no problem with that, Mr. Briatore.
Flavio: On the 14th, your a*s goes down. Say it.
Nelson: On the 14th, my a*s goes down.
Actually close to what i am told was a true story by the officer on the scene, except he then says to her:Quote:
Originally Posted by Easy Drifter
"STFU, bitch"
she says: "You keep talking that way to me, and I will tell him about the drug money and all that crack cocaine in the trunk you been trying to sell!!!!"
another true story, straight ffrom a trial transcript was a criminal defense attorney cross examing a police officer about an arrest involving a relatively minor incident:
"okay, you get this call that there is this guy who passed a hot check in the bar
"yes."
"So you and nine other officers, armed with shotguns and automatic weapons, wearing vests, helmets and all, storm into this small neighborhood bar, to catch a guy that may have passed a $20 dollar hot check????...."
"yes"
"and is obviously scared and frightened by all this busting in the door, he runs out the back door, and runs a few yards to go inside an elementary school where you catch him, using a police dog as an aid????"
"yes"
"and now you want to prosecute him for evading arrest, after the hot check charge was dropped, because he did not do it??"
"yes"
"do you think, given all these circumstances and all things considered, that this was proper police procedure to go storm trooping in like this?"
"No, it was not"
"so you agree with me??"
"yes, I do, given the circumstances and history of the bar, we should have had at least six more officers and a helicopter as a back up...."
:eek:
now the really sad part is the fact of the elementary school being so close by......
then there was the videotape of a traffic stop, where the officer asked:
"so you do not mind if I look inside the trunk??""
"No. go ahead, but if you find any drugs, they ain't mine, it belongs to the drug smuggler that my husband works for...."
A Mexican, an Arab and A Newfoundland girl are drinking in a bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer he throws the glass in the air, pulls out his Glock and shoots the glass to pieces and shouts 'In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we do not need to drink from the same one twice.'
The Arab clearly impressed by this drinks his beer, throws the glass in the air and pulls out his AK-47 and fires a burst blowing the glass into little pieces.
He then shouts 'In the Arab world we have so much sand to make glasses we do not need to drink from the same one twice!'
The little Newfie gal, cool as a cucumber, throws back her beer in one gulp, throws the glass in the air, whips out her .44 Magnum and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass she sets it on the bar and calls for a refill and says 'In Canada we have so many illegal immigrants we do not have to drink with the same ones twice.'
Why The English Wore Red Coats in Battle.
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They
took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to
question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, Why do
you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red
material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?
In his bland English way, the officer informed the
general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so
that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are
leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day to this, all French
Army officers wear brown trousers.
Markabilly actually took his wife to a restaurant for her birthday and this time it wasn't McDonalds.
The waiter for some reason took his order first.
Markabilly said 'I will have the rump roast, rare, please.'
The waiter asked 'Are you not worried about the mad cow?'
Markabilly replied ' Nah, she can order for herself.'
That is when the fight started.
....and then she left me for Easy...something about his face would be more comfortable for sitting than mine or donKey's.........Thank you Jesus!!!! (and Easy)
Got to remember to send him donKey's old scuba gear
remind me in a month or so...that is if easy is still breathin
No wonder she left him.
Markabilly and his wife were at her High School reunion and she kept staring
at a drunken man sitting by himself swigging his drink.
Markabilly asked 'Do you know him?'
She sighed 'Yes, he is my old boyfriend and I understand he took to drinking right after we broke up and he hasn't stopped drinking since.'
Markabilly said' My God! Who would think a person could keep celebrating that long.
Then the next fight started.
that is it....you can buy your own scuba gear.....and gas mask for those "special moments"
Markabilly's wife sat down next to him as he was flipping channels on the TV.
She asked 'What is on the TV?'
Markabilly in his usual diplomatic way said 'Dust.'
That is when another fight started.
be sure there are no open flames around during those special moments....donKey is still trying to grow back his hair
Poor ol' Markabilly can't win for losing.
He and his wife were in bed watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
He turned to her and asked 'Do you want to have sex?'
She just said 'No'.
So Markabilly asked 'Is that your final answer?'
She replied quickly 'Yes'.
So he cleverly said 'Then I would like to phone Donkey's wife.
That started yet another fight.
and it got worse, cause she would not give me a quarter so I could go see donKey's old woman....
Well no wonder.
When your wife said she wanted something for your anniversery bright and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds you bought her a bathroom scale.
Way to start yet another fight.
You laugh now...wait until your nose goes from 0 to 305 in less than a quarter of a second, much faster than alonsoita and his one incher.....donKey ain't seen his for a three years nowQuote:
Originally Posted by Easy Drifter
No matter what poor ol' Markabilly does he puts his foot, or some other part of his anatomy, in it.
His wife, admittedly a scary sight (or is that a site), was standing nude in front of a mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to Markabilly 'I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
Markabilly being his usual extremely diplomatic self cleverly said 'Well your eyesight is damn near perfect.'
Now he keeps asking DonKey and me to let him stay with one of us for a short while.
Heck it took years to get rid of him the last time.
It would be nice if he would at least shower more the once a month.
Be nicer if you had a shower that actually would not break, when.....
anyway here is the rest of the story..
http://www.motorsportforums.com/foru...5&postcount=21
This morning I went in to sign my 4 dogs up for welfare.
At first the nice lady said dogs are not eligble to draw welfare.
So--- I explained my dogs are of mixed colour, unemployed, lazy, cannot speak English, and have no clue who their daddy's are.
They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and look after their medical care.
So she checked in her policy book to see what it took to qualify.
My dogs get their first cheques next Friday. Gosh, this is a great country.
Markabilly's wife got pulled over for speeding.
She said "Is there a problem officer?'
'Ma'm you were speeding.
'Oh, I see.'
'Can I see your licence ma'm.'
'I would be glad to give it to you but I don't have one.'
'Don't have one?'
'No I lost it for drunk driving 4 years ago.'
'I see-- Can I see your registration please?'
'I can't do that.'
'Why not?'
'I stole this car and murdered the owner. I cut him up and stuffed him in the trunk.'
'YOU WHAT?'
'I hacked him into pieces and put him in plastic bags and stuffed him in the trunk.'
The officer looks at Markabilly's wife and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes her car is surrounded by cruisers and a senior officer approaches her with his gun half drawn.
' Ma'm would you plese step out of the car, slowly.'
She does and says 'Is there a problem Officer?'
'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'
'Murdered the owner?'
'Yes, Would you please open the trunk?'
The trunk is popped and there is nothing but an empty trunk.
'Is this your car ma'm?'
'Yes. here are the registration papers.'
The officer is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claimed you do not have a driver's licence.'
She digs into her purse and hands the officer her driver's licence.
The officer examines the licence and hands it back completely puzzled.
'Thank you ma'm. One of my men told me you did not have a licence, stole the car and had murdered and hacked up the owner.'
'Bet the liar said I was speeding too.'
One time I was in Nashville, TN
and after a show I went into a waffle house.
I was sitting there eating and
reading a book. I don't know anybody
there so I'm just eating and reading.
All the sudden the waitress walks over
to me and asks "Whatcha ya'll reading for?".
I thought to myself "Wow, I've never been
asked that". Not what I'm reading but what am
I reading for? Well goddammit she stumped me!
I then told her "Well, I read for a lot of reasons...
but the main reason is so that I don't end up being
a waffle waitress!"
-Bill Hicks (1961-1994)
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious." teased the priest. "You really ought to try it. I know it is against your religion but I cannot understand why such a delicious food should be forbidden. You do not know what you are missing . You just haven't lived until you have had Mrs. Hall's prize winning Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me Rabbi when are you going to break down and try it?"
The Rabbi looked at the priest and with a huge grin said "At your wedding."
Markabilly's missus is, as Drifter could Easily attest, into all things "french".
She decided to take up french classes at the local community college, aiming to hone her "skills".
At the first interview, Pierre asked her routinely what she really wanted in life.
"To be honest all I want is 'appiness", she replied, in her best french accent, "I don't get 'appiness at home".
Poor Pierre thought she meant "happiness" for a split second, until he got jumped on and was thoroughly ravished :dozey:
As many of us know Markabilly was a motorcycle racer, which may explain a few things.
Not many know he was also a mean and miserable motorcyle cop.
One day he was rushed to hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors quickly operated and informed him all was fine and that he would make a comlete recovery.
However Markabilly kept feeling something was pulling at the hairs in his crotch. It was really irritating and painful.
Worried that it might have been additional surgery the doctors had not told him about the finally got enough energy to lift his hospital gown and have a look to see what was so painful.
Taped very securely across his pubic hairs and private parts were 3 strips of the super secure surgical tape of the type that just doesn't come off easily and without a lot of agony.
Written in large black letters were the words. "Get well soon-- from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."