Joke Time

There was this man who was just getting married, but he didn't know how to have sex. So he asked his dad, "What do I do?" His dad said, "Take a walkie-talkie with you and I will tell you what to do” So he gets married and carries his newly wed into the honeymoon suite and throws her on the bed. He walks into the other room and calls his dad on the walkie-talkie, "Dad, what do I do?" "Ok, first take off her clothes and start kissing her." So, he does what his dad said. Then he goes into the room and calls him, "Now what?" "Then you start touching her." So he starts to touch her. Then he goes back to the walkie-talkie, "NOW what?" "Ok, son," replies his dad. "Now here comes the best part. Take what you and me BOTH have.... and stick it into her!" So the man runs into the room and sticks the walkie-talkie into her.

Three engineers are discussing who designed the human body.
The first one said 'It must have been an electrical engineer, because of all the complex nerve endings and circuits.'
The second one says 'It had to have been a mechanical engineer because of the perfect movement of all the joints.'
The third engineer is silent as he thinks for a couple of minutes before finally repying.
'No. You are both wrong. It had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would put a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'

At shopping:

A new shopping center where women may buy a husband is opened in Mew York. At the entrance they diplayed the rules :
- You may visit the shop just once
- There are 6 floors and men characteristics improve the higher the floor is.
- You may pick any man from a floor or you may go to the next level
- You're not allowed to go back to the previous floor.

A woman decides to visit the shop to find a man

There'a a poster on the door of the first floor: These men have a job! The woman decides to go higher.

There'a a poster on the door of the second floor: These men have a job and love children. The woman decides to go to the next level.

There'a a poster on the door of the third floor: These men have a job, love children and are extremely handsome. Wow, says the woman but still decides to go to the next level.

There'a a poster on the door of the 4th floor: These men have a job, love children, are extremely handsome and help with the house cleaning. Incredible, says the woman. Hard to resist but still decides to go to the next level.

There'a a poster on the door of the 5th floor: These men have a job, love children, are extremely handsome , help with the house cleaning and are very romantic. The woman is tempted tp stay and pick a guy but still decides to go to the next level.

There'a a poster on the door of the 6th floor: You're the 31.456.012 th visitor of this floor. There aren't men, this floor is meant to prove that it's imposible to satisfy a woman. Thank you for visiting us.

Across the street a similar shop is opened for men who wants to buy a wife.
On the first floor there are women who are crazy for sex.

On the second floor there are women who are crazy for sex and don't nag you

The 3-6 floors have never been visited.

Bruce is walking on his farm with a sheep under each arm. His mate calls out to him, "Hey Bruce! You gonna sheer those sheep?" Bruce replies, "No mate, I'm shagging them meself!"

News Flash from FIA Headquarters:

The results of the 2009 Drivers and Constuctors Championships will be announced APRIL 1, 2010.

The results of the 2010 Drivers and Constuctors Championship will be announced December 25, 2009.

Drivers and Constuctors please ensure your positions in these championships are ensured with suitable $$ to the 'MM and BE' Retirement Fund. Deadline for submissions is December 1, 2009.

I took a trip to the Hockey Hall of Fame during the Listeria outbreak where I kissed the Stanley Cup. When I got back home I went to see my doctor, I asked him if I could catch Listeria from kissing the Stanley Cup? He told me not to worry that the Cup hasn't been touched by a Maple Leaf product in 40 years.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tazio

A
Don't you think that's a little old to be believin' in Leh pray cans"? :dozey:

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Tazio!! I did not know you were a "Leh pray can". Guess that who explains Tonto is...Tonto/ Tazio...Should have seen the connection right off....and explains the solid support and understanding you have for Max and his peculiar problem :love:

But I would suggest you not be telling any more lies about "EDM", cause Max and Ioan might both start to beleive you and think you be "two timing" them :mad:


But now that I think about, I remember the story that your mommie told me about your military experience, when you called home one time as just a youngster....you remember, the parachuting "drill"

Taz: "Mommie, They made me go up in a big plane to parachute"
Momie: "Were you scared my little sweet tazioareno?"
Taz: "Well sort of..."
Mom:"Well me all about it"
Tazioreneo: "well we all stood up in a line and they opened this big door and said JUMP, but I was scared and got last in line. And Mommie, when it came my turn to jump, I just could not do it!!!!This big master sargent major told me I better or else!!"

Momie: "Or else what?"
Tazio: "He said he was gay, and that if I did not jump out of the plane, I would have to assume the position and be prepared for his u-know-what in my u-know-what!!!"

Momie: "So did you jump?"
Taz: "Just a little bit at first..."

:eek:

Note on a car illegally parked in a handicap zone:

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road at the same time. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, “Pig! ”The man immediately leans out his window and shouts back, “Bitch!” They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner; he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

thre was a woman who seeeing the house across the street was being remodeled, asked how it was going. Great was the response, so she asked the contractor if he could repaint the interior of her house. he said sure what colors. She said well come into the living room. I want this sort of a light blue. So the contractor says excuse me, leans out the window and hollers "green side up"
They go to the kitchen and she says "sort of a light aqua". He leans out the window and hollers "green side up". Finally they go to the bedroom, she says "just white". So he leans out the window and hollers "green side up"

Finally she says "that is an interesting code you have for painting, but I do want these different colors, so how will they know which is which?"

The man looks puzzled for a second and then smiles, "That was no code, that was meant for Easy and Taz, they are outside planting bushes"