Markabilly, you have got to stop getting inches and millimeters mixed up! :confused: :D
Printable View
Markabilly, you have got to stop getting inches and millimeters mixed up! :confused: :D
You are right!!! THANKS!!! Been selling myself short all this time. I measured and discovered that I have far more length in millimeters than i do in inches... :up:Quote:
Originally Posted by Easy Drifter
three hundred ninety-two even sounds better than fifteen
Just slightly sexist
A woman walks into a bar...
Don't be stupid, she was in the kitchen!
I don't care what anyone says about Tiger Woods, he is still a hell of a player.
Not a bad golfer either.
What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
Santa stopped after 3 Ho's.
Customs officials in Saudi Arabia have caught a man trying to smuggle a suitcase full of mascara into the country. They say police arrested him and took him to the town square where he received his punishment of one hundred lashes.
Q What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?
A: Tiger woods can drive a golf ball more than 200 metres.
Aparrently Tiger Woods is going to change his name by Deed poll. He will now be known as Cheetah.
Someone once said that Tiger Woods was a good driver.
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.
Q: What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
A: They went clubbing.
Maybe a bit fruity for some of the mods but I'll risk the infraction points.
a husband walks into the bedroom and says to his wife;
"fancy playing the rape game?"
"NO"
"that's the spirit"
Also did you know that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape
:p
A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in Chinatown. He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.
He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze rat, and $1000 for the story behind it".
The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.
As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him. As he continues to walk, more rats start following him.
He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats
following him.
He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown. The guy rushes back to the store and walks in.
The owner says, "Ah!, so your back for the story".
The guys says, "no, I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by fousto
Jesus is long dead!
Once many years ago, I saw the following scratched on the wall of an elevator at a university:
"God is dead"
-Frederich Nietzsche
and somebody else had scratched right below:
"Nietzsche is dead"
-God
Stolen from a sarcastic thread about Speed TV on the CASC site.
Speed has a new 6 part mini series coming up:
'How I met Jr's Gardner'.
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One was called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a *** tail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.........."
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!"and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the
A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.
After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, 'Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however.'
'Oh, what is that, Doctor?'
'Well, you have no nipples.'
'None of the people in my tribe have nipples' she replied.
'That is amazing,' said the doctor, 'I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.
She said, 'OK.'
'First of all' asked the doctor, 'how many people are in your tribe?'
She answered, 'Approximately 500.'
'We're called 'The Indiannippleless Five Hundred'
Exciting New Speed TV Show !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Fishing Daytona's Lake Lloyd with hosts Darrell and Mikey Waltrip.
Different NAPCAR drivers every week with special guest appearances by the stars of Wrecked, Pinks. Passed out Time and Jacked.
And featuring as the Bait Girl ----DANICA PATRICK!!!!!!!!!
Just when I was getting used to "wrecker and tow truck family life"......and masive re-runs of barratt auctions.......then there was the show about dangerous driving....basically a show about driving a car around in Africa while the animals try to figure out if you are too stupid for them to eat..
Seems the cable here has more racing shows of quality on the Discovery channel....great HD shows of the Isle of Mann TT...Goodwood speed festival..racing old GT cars in France.......out of sight stuff compared to Speed.....
Gad--- I stop posting and the thread screeches to a halt.
Woman's 4 Rules For Finding a Man
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks, cleans, helps care for the kids and makes good money.
2. It is important to find a man who loves to spend money on you and shows you a good time.
3. It is important to find a man who is good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
4. It is important that these men never meet!
Now you tell me.....should have told me that before we met.....Quote:
Originally Posted by Easy Drifter
Then there was the time Easy went to the gun shop to buy a pistol
The clerk said "what do you want?"
Easy say, " a 44 magnum"
Clerk said "For what?
Easy said, "For shooting cans"
clerk says," that is toooo big a gun for shooting cans"
Easy say, "No it ain't"
Clerk says, "well just what kind of cans are you going to shoot?"
Easy says, " Mexicans, Canadicans, Americans, Africans, Portiricans....you name them...I shoot them, if I can......."
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds Easy in bed with his old lady.
He orders Easy out of bed and hog ties him and leaves him laying on the floor.
he gets on top of Easy's old lady, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, Easy tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you and what he does to you. This guy is very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you!!!!!"
To which Easy's wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
:love:
Now that I am writing articles regularly I have kind of let this thread slip.
A cautious Burglar carefully cut an access hole in the window and checked for an alarm system. He gently unlatched the window and slid into the house. Using a shielded pencil light he looked around but saw nothing. As he approached the desk a voice rang out.
'Jesus will get you.'
Scared he looked around but saw no one, so started to open the desk drawers.
Again the voice called out 'Jesus will get you.'
Even more frightened he looked around and then saw a parrot in his cage.
He sidled over to the cage and said 'Shut up you stupid bird.'
The parrot responded 'I am not stupid and Jesus will get you.'
The burglar said 'Yeah right. What is your name?'
'Clarabelle and Jesus is going to get you.' responded the parrot.
Disgusted the burglar replied 'What kind of idiot would name a parrot Clarabelle?'
The parrot cocked his head to one side and slowly whispered 'The same idiot that named the Siberian Tiger right behind you Jesus!'
Pinched from pistonheads.
Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o th e puddin race,
Aboon th em a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or th airm,
As langs my airm."
Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.."
Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No," replies the doctor, " this is the serious Burns unit."
Ok City slickers Listen UP
Rules for Rural Ontario
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap straight. Your head is not crooked.
3. Let's get this straight. It is called a dirt road. I drive a pick up because I want to. No matter how slow you drive you are going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle and pigs. They are live steaks and bacon. That is why they smell funny to you. To us they smell like money. Get over it. Highways 401 and 7 go east and west. Highways 400 and 115 go north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $75,000 car. We are impressed. We have $150,000 combines and haybalers that are driven 3 weeks of the year.
6. So every person in rural Ontario waves. It is called being friendly. Try and understand this concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8 point buck is coming in we will shoot it out of your hand. You had better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. The opener refers to the first day of deer hunting season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Sat. to the first of Nov.
9. We open doors for women. That is regardless of age or looks.
10. There is little for vegetarians on the menu. Order steak, Or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
11. When we sit at the table there are 3 main dishes. Meat, vegetables and bread. We use 3 spices, salt, pepper and ketchup.
12. You bring 'coke' into my house it had better be brown, wet and served over ice.
13. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she had better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck and have long hair.
14. Ontario Hockey League and minor hockey is as important here as the NHL and more fun.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. Just don't hit the ball into the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
16. We have a whole ton of folks in the armed forces. So don't mess with us. If you do you will get whipped by the best.
17. Turn down that blasted car stereo. That thumpity thump ain't music anyway. We don't want to here it anymore than we want to see your boxers. (refer back to 1.)
18. Two inches of snow and ice isn't a blizzard. It is a vacation. Drive like you have some sense in it and don't take all our bread, milk and bleach from the grocery store. This ain't the artic and worse case is you may have to live the whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades and the tractors with snowblowers will have you out soon.
19. Yeah we eat meat and potatoes. You really want sushi and caviar? It is available at the corner bait store.
Markabilly is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask and still pretty groggy after a 4 hour operation.
A young student nurse enters the room to give him a partial sponge bath.
Markabilly mumbles groggily from behind the mask 'Nurse are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed the young student replies 'I don't know sir. I am only here to give your upper body a bath.'
He struggles and again mutters "Nurse, please, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly lifts the covers. She raise his hospital gown and holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other moving them slowly around and around gently.
She takes a good look and puts the gown and covers back in place and announces 'No sir they are not black and they are fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them.'
Markabilly slowly pulls up his oxygen mask and smiles at her and says very slowly ' Thank you very much. That was wonderful and I enjoyed it greatly. But listen very very closely
Are my test results back yet ? '
Fousto had apendicitis and his health insurance would only offer him a bed in a nun´s hospice. Being a fervent christian he figured all would be fine... in God he trusts and all that, so off he goes.
During the op, a single mother left a baby at the door of the place, with a note saying how she hoped for forgiveness and a better life for her son. The nuns had a hard think about how to deal with the situation, and finally Sister Mary came up with the bright idea:
"this is truly a sign from God. We have ol´fousto in here about to kick the bucket... if he recovers we can tell him the baby is his. He will sure lead a better life than here with us"
So fousto wakes up from surgery and is fine apart from a few sore stitches in his abdomen. "That´s quite normal after giving birth" said Sister Mary. "You´ve been granted a gift from heaven" she continues, presenting him with the baby.
Well uncle fousto, after all those years shooting blanks, was overjoyed at the present the Lord had given him, took the baby back to his ranch and told everyone it was his nephew -those infidel liberals would probably laugh at him if he were to tell the true story anyway.
Many happy years later, fousto decided it was time to confess.
"Easy" he said, "there´s something I need to tell you after all these years".
"Don´t tell me uncle" Easy replied, "You´ve raised me like your son... I always knew you were my real father"
"Father?" said Uncle Fousto...
"No, my son... I`m your mother"
"Your father must have been Markabilly!" :s ailor: :kiss: :eek: :arrows:
:dozey:
A man and a woman get to talk on a train. They quite like each other, so the man asks for the woman's name.
"I'm Carmen. Actually, it's Jennifer, but I like cars and men, so Carmen it is. What's your name, anyway?"
The man responds "Pleased to meet you, Carmen - my name's Beerpussy!"
Markabilly hobbled around to Easy´s for his weekly "session".
Easy welcomes him in as usual, a bit surprised at his funny gait and stranger than usual grimaces.
Then he notices the steering wheel in his butt.
"Sheesh Markabilly, doesn´t that hurt?"
"You bet!" Markabilly answers, "Give me some kool-aid quick..."
"it´s driving me nuts!" :s ailor: :kiss: :eek: :arrows:
:dozey:
short trip but not nearly as short as for many around here
Speaking of trips,
Easy bought DonKey from Mr. Markabilly the Great, who was finished using him. Easy asked, how do I make him go and stop?
The only way to make DonKey go is to say, "Hallelujah!" The only way to make DonKey stop, is to say, "Amen!" , said markabilly.
Esay was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on Donkey to try out the instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted Easy. DonKey began to trot like a buzzard.
With a "Hallelujah," he rode off very proud of his new Donkey and looking forward to some "good times" between the two of them.
He traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make Donkey stop. Old age was a problem for Easy
"Stop," said Easy. "Halt!" he cried. Donkey just kept going. "Oh, no... Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!" shouted easy. Donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge.
Finally, in desperation, Easy said a prayer. "Please, dear Lord. Please make Donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus's name, AMEN."
Donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!", shouted Easy.
Sign you should not have hired Markabilly as the Clown for your kids' party.
Clown car must be started with a breathalyzer device.
Scares the heck out of the kids with the severed limb trick.
Prefaces each trick with 'This is a little number I learned in the joint.'
More interested in squirting seltzer into his scotch than his pants.
Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match.
Props for his disappearing trick are a moving van and your wide screen TV.
All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
Markabilly had a rough week. He noticed his gums were shrinking.
Then he realized he was brushing his teeth with Preparation H!
Attention Seasonal Visitors to Simcoe County
The Colts, Hornets and Baycats are as important to us as the Leafs, Raptors and Blue Jays and more fun to watch.
So you have a $70,000 car. We have $250,000 combines we use two weeks a year.
Women here hunt, fish and drive trucks because they want to. So you are a feminist. Isn't that cute?
Those are real cows and pigs in the fields along the highway That is what they smell like. It smells like money to us.
Get over it. Don't like it? Highway 400 goes north and south. Highway 12 goes the other 2. Pick one.
All males between 14 and 20. Pull up your pants. You look like an idiot.
Put your hat on straight. Your head isn't crooked.
We started hunting and fishing when we were 9 years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
See that kid in the field at 8 am on a Sat. morning throwing hay bales? He did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.
It is called a gravel road. No matter how slow you drive you are going to get dust on your BMW. I have a 4 wheel drive pick up because I need it to plow snow. Drive it or get out of the way!
Yeah we eat meat and potatoes here and wild game. You really want Sushi and Caviar? It is available at the bait shop. :eek:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Easy Drifter
Other than the sports teams and route numbers it sounds like upper lower Michigan to me.Yes theres such a place-You know ""north of Detroit, WAY south of heaven".
Happy Dayaftermothers Day: :) :burnout:
[youtube]gSM8Okj_4TI[/youtube]
Zstar Electronic Co.Ltd, Sell fire cards for DS/NDSL/NDSi, also have Wii, DSiLL, NDSi, NDSL, PSP2000, PSP3000, PS2, PS3, PSP go, PSP, Xbox360 accessories, all kinds of phones are available
www.zstar.hk
www.tigersupermall.com
How does the spouse of Easy get him out of the shower or the bathtub?
Turns on the water
An apple a day keeps the Doctor away.
But if she is cute throw the apple away.
If she's in heat she may offer an elective proceedure.Quote:
Originally Posted by Easy Drifter
In medical terms.... a slipthedicktome
not if she is treating easy, but there is "bull castration"Quote:
Originally Posted by Tazio
and speaking of current events, did you hear about the two gay judges?
They tried each other
Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand: [/font]
What is your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
]"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
The cop then said, very true
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
What's your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is beginning to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.
"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."
Q. Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?
A. They went outside to exchange blows.
Q. How can you tell she's a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
Q. If your mother and father have a baby and its not your sister or your brother, who is it?
A.
gee thought you would have figured this out alreadyQuote:
Originally Posted by markabilly