Joke Time

Signs you are at a NAPCAR (sorry Starter NASCAR) funeral.

Casket features a Goodwrench paint scheme.
The deceased is referred to as being out of provisionals.
Eulogy is delivered by Dr. Jerry Punch.
Only the first 43 cars are allowed in the procession.
Hearse is referred to as the pace car.
First time mourners have a yellow 'rookie stripe' on the trunk of their cars.
No coolers over 14 inches are allowed in the chapel.
If a pall bearer trips a yellow caution flag goes up.
Hearse does a victory donut burnout in the graveyard.

Unashamedly pinched from pistonheads, sorry if it's a repost on here!

A couple got married and went to America for their honeymoon. Whilst there they visit a Red Indian reservation and there's an old Red Indian chief sat outside a teepee cross-legged with a head-dress, war paint, his arms folded and a serious expression on his face. Next to him is a sign saying "Ask me any question for $1 - if I am wrong I will give you $100"

The man goes up to the chief, places a dollar bill on a plate in front of him and asks him, "Who won the 1921 Scottish FA Cup Final?"

Without altering his expression, the chief answers immediately, without altering his expression, "Partick Thistle."

The man is amazed by this and continues on his way.

For their Golden wedding anniversary, they decide to visit America again. Whilst there, they are passing the reservation and he says to his wife, "Let's see if the old chief's still there!"

They walk onto the reservation and they are surprised to see that he still is. He goes over, sits cross legged in front of him and places a dollar bill on the plate. He raises his arm with the palm of his hand facing forward and says "How!"

The chief replies, "Sandy Blair - diving header in the 81st minute."

A little girl wrote to Santa Claus saying the only thing she wanted for Christmas was a sister.
Santa, touched by the girl's letter responded instantly saying "I would love to send you a sister but first you must send me your mother."

In light of another thread this may upset some people, all I can say is don't take evrything so seriously, anyway again pinched from pistonheads:


School Attitudes 1977 vs. School 2009

Scenario 1: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2009 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles phones with evidence of fight are confiscated. Both are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Mobile phone video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario 2: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and never disrupts the class again.

2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Jeffrey drops out of school.


Scenario 3: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normally, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist convinces Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark brings cigarettes to school .

1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Mohammed fails GCSE English.

1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2009 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally, insisting that making English a requirement in school is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977 - Ants die.

2009 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly with American airlines ever again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during playtime and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy; becomes gay.

A recent study has found that the average Cdn. walks about 900 miles ayear.
Another study found that Cdns. drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means on average Cdns. get about 41 miles to the gallon.

There was a woman who looked very old so she went to her doctor to see if there was any way to get rid of all her wrinkles. The doctor said there was an experimental surgery that should get rid of her wrinkles but there might be some side effects.
She decided to go ahead. She had a small knob on the back of her neck which she was to twist a little each day.
The wrinkles gradually disappeared and people commented on how good she was looking.
However there was something bothering her so she went back to the surgeon.
She told him she had developed bags under her eyes and that was bothering her.
The doctor looked at her and repied "Oh, those are your breasts."
She then said "Well, what about the goatee?"

:laugh:

An old man woke up screaming one day in the nursing home. He picked up and called his wife, who knew he had been constipated the day before.
When she picks up the phone he gripes 'That damn laxative was gauranteed to work by 8 am.'
His wife asks 'Well did it work?'
He screams ' Yes, but I didn't wake up until 9!'

Old and nicked from another forum:

London 11th August - A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference the Home Secretary said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Met Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," he said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Gordon Brown, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

It has been a long standing joke in Toronto, once the Leafs always won the Stanley Cup in training camp in Sept. that the fans wore paper bags over their heads so people would not recognize them.
This year, after the Buds super start of zip wins and 7 losses the players are doing the same thing.

The last time the Toronto Maple Laffs won the Stanley Cup was in 1967.
It has become a bit of a joke that Leaf fans go around with a paper bag over their heads
This year is different!!
Now the players are wearing bags over their heads! :eek:

Pinched from a british rally forum:

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone If you still remember him, pass this on.

If not, join the majority and do nothing.

How do you tickle a rich girl?

Gucci, Gucci, Gucci---


What do you call a intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A rumour.


Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are over dew.


On your way home you take a right, 3 lefts and then you see 2 men in masks. Who are these men?

They are the umpire and the catcher.

Middle age is when the broadness of the mind and the narrowness of the waist change places.

One dark night outside a small town in Saskatchewan, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the nearby Melville rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Melville old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a super human feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
".....da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

Schmenke's joke reminded me of a real life fire and I was a witness.
The racing group I was involved with had an annual party at one of the driver's homes just outside of Hanover, Ont. The town was called by us Hangover. It occurred in Feb. and was known as the St. Valentines Day Massacre.
One year an immensive bankrupt furniture factory caught fire, probably arson. The factory took up an entire large block, although there were a couple of buildings. This was mid 80's.
We got told of the fire at the party because relatives of our host had businesses not far away.
So about 8 pm in various stages of bombed we drove in to watch. Sobered up in a hurry.
The fire was huge and Hanover's Fire Dept. was totally overwhelmed. Two pumpers neither large and both probably from the early 70's or late 60's.
The Walkerton Fire Dept. was called in. For Cdns. Walkerton is best known for the tainted water disaster.
They sent their 2 pumpers, both about the vintage of Hanover's.
Remember we are talking towns of about 5 to 8 thousand people in very rural Ont.
One had a water cannon. It took 5 tries to get it working.
There was no question they were losing ground. Some extremely brave firemen (all volunteers) were in a tunnel connecting the two main buildings trying to keep the fire from the other building. They did suceed.
A Coke sign on a store across the street from the main fire started to melt. The firefighters and their trucks were closer to the fire.
Another relatively local fire dept. had been called on to assist. They had a relatively large Dept. for a town smaller than either Hanover or Walkerton but wealthy. They were also well known for their speed traps. They had 4 pumpers and a areial ladder truck. They refused to help. Would not send anything.
By this time people were being told not to use water and definetly not to flush!
Then the close by Neustadt Fire Dept landed. Their pumper was from the early 30's. There wasn't room on the truck for all the volunteers so they had the town municipal snow plow covered with men. Now we are talking real small town rural Ont. The one and only town truck had no licence as the MTO had pulled it off the road. It finally got stopped when it hit lightly a building.
The Neustadt Fire Dept had been on standby to help for 4 hours. Across the street from the fire hall was the Neustadt Tavern. Maybe there was a sober fireman but I doubt it.
Shortly after the reason they had been called became apparent. An areial ladder truck arrived from Owen Sound about 40 minutes away. The Temp. was about 15 degrees below 0 F. This was an open truck! Like not even an enclosed cab. The Neustadt pumper was solely to supply water to the Owen Sound Ladder truck.
As soon as they got it in operation the water cannon and other hoses were redirected as now it could be seen where to fight the fire.
When they got it under control there was less than a 1/2 hour of water left!
The area is now a beautiful park in Downtown Hanover.
Quite a night.
Real jokes will resume shortly.

Returning to our regularly scheduled jokes:

A Love Story.
I shall seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and control you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat.
I will make you beg for mercy.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.
And you will be weak for days.
All my love.

The Flu.

Rejected Dr. Suess Books:


Dr. Suess' Massage Parlour.
Dr. Suess and the Ladies of the Night.
Dr. Suess and the Tranvestites.
Dr. Suess finds a Hooker.
Dr. Suess leads the Gay Pride Parade.
Dr. Suess Discovers a New Pussy.
Dr. Suess gets High.
Dr. Suess and the Drug Squad.
Dr. Suess and the Madame.
Dr. Suess meets Mad Max.

A man from Drummondville, Quebec has attracted some attention when he filed his 2007 and 2008 Income Tax returns and listed his occupation as 'Hired Killer'.
Revenue Canada has yet to actually question the man about his response. He doubts they ever will as long as he encloses a cheque for the money owing along with his return.
Just in case you are wondering his actual occupation is a pest exterminator.

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb..."

"Who is it?", asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Barb -- it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose.. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little sh*ts in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little c*nts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.

Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the f*cking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little ’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “sh*t!sh*t !.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “sh*t! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT!f*ck !.” By now, the kid is scared less and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.

Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m f*cking HIV POSITIVE.”

And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just f*cked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the c*nt she is.

I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.

:rotflmao:

Most supermarkets have an automatic water mister that keeps the produce fresh (and often soaks your sleeve). Just before it turns on you hear the sound of distant thunder.
A new supermarket nearby has taken the concept a way too far.
When you pass the dairy case you hear the sound of cows mooing and the smell of fresh hay.
In the meat Dept. there is a sizziling sound and the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and fried onions.
When you approach the egg case you hear the sounds of hens cackling and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread dept. features the tantilizing smell of fresh baked bread and bagels.

Let us just say I no longer go down the toilet paper aisle.

Best two jokes I have heard lately was

Sarah palain saying her Playboy posing white trash father of her daughter's baby was welcome to come to thanksgiving dinner


And i was going to add Ms. Prejean taking the high moral road despite her sex tapes on Larry King and other shows.....but I got to listening and looking carefully :crazy: and decided that .....well does anybody know how i can locate a set???? :bounce:

Not for me of course, just for that ole fart easy drifter....

was gonna include Donkey and tazio, but one is banned and the tapes probably not gay enuff for el buzzard donKey :p imp:

Remember boys, it is the thought that counts :love:

Roping A Deer

(Names have been removed to protect the stupid)

Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well:



I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.

They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.

The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED!

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer? No chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder -- a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a mad dog. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

Fenwick is in the Toyota truck but I guess that is not as bad as always being called a Toyota.

More non p.c. stuff, change 'Australia' to where ever you live!

*The Squirrel and The Grasshopper:*

*THE ?**REST OF THE WORLD**?** VERSION*

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

*THE END*

*THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION *

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to
be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable
warm home with a table laden with food.
The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to
suffer so while others have plenty.
The Labor Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Housing Commission of Australia demonstrate in front of the
squirrel's house.
The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing 'We Shall Overcome'.
Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was
doing on his home, and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a Housing Commission house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to
ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case
the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to
get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice.

On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australians' apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released
because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.

The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the
Housing Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.

Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'Illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since arrival in Australia .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but
released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.

Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10 million and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers.

Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia 's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the
government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.

The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social
inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice
in Australia .

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional
percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will
have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

*THE END*

Sounds like Canada!!!
In the Meantime----

My wife told me I couldn't afford to buy beer or any liquor and that I would have to quit. No more nights out either.
I then discovered that she had spent over $100 on makeup.
Being a stupid male I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she did not.
I was informed that she required the make up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what I needed the booze for.
I do not think I will see her again until the court date.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Easy Drifter

Sounds like Canada!!!
In the Meantime----

My wife told me I couldn't afford to buy beer or any liquor and that I would have to quit. No more nights out either.
I then discovered that she had spent over $100 on makeup.
Being a stupid male I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she did not.
I was informed that she required the make up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what I needed the booze for.
I do not think I will see her again until the court date.

---

Don't let the ole hag get you down, Ms prejean's tapes are in the mail.....and u will not need no beer neither

Honk if you love Jesus
Text while driving if you want to meet him!!

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said: "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate, so he fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.


"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Not that well," the man responded: "When I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit three inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by fousto

....and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

---

i don't get it...what was Easy doing in your closet???

probably would not need starter pistol, although I am also wondering how starter lost his pistol since i did not think he had one to lose...... :confused:

Now Markabilly that is not very nice when I got you a job driving for USF1.


I know it is only the latrine truck -- but still! :D :eek:

Marriage is like poker.
You start with a pair and end with a full house.


What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For Bird Flu you need tweeckment.
For Swine Flu you need Oikment.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by fousto

Honk if you love Jesus
Text while driving if you want to meet him!!

---

I like that :D

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

A lady is getting changed when she hears a knock at the door

'Who is it?' she asks as she pulled up her skirt

'A blind man' is the reply from the other side of the door

Thank Christ thinks the woman - he wont know I don't have a top on and she opens the door and quickly shuts it behind him.

Nice tits love - where do you want me to hang the blinds?


Q: What does Mozart do now that he is dead?
A: He decomposes.


Why Does ET have big eyes?
He saw his phone bill


A policeman sees a woman driving and knitting at the same time.

Enraged, he yells out "PULL OVER!!!"

The woman, still driving, smiles sweetly and says "Nah, it's a cardigan!"

Enjoy!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Easy Drifter

Now Markabilly that is not very nice when I got you a job driving for USF1.


I know it is only the latrine truck -- but still! :D :eek:

---

Well, I knew you must be the guy in the closet, cause I figured you would not have anything close to 3 inches to lose..... :love:

......and tell Fousto to stop looking for his three inches, most likely it was all digested in the small intestine by now.....

You all realize that a Finn (Hi Eki) is a Norwegian turned inside out!


Some say Markabilly is the spawn of Satan.
Sorry I disclaim all responsibility.

Everyone has some sort of standard to keep! :eek:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Easy Drifter

Some say Markabilly is the spawn of Satan.
! :eek:

---

Daddy, daddy......at long last......but the only question I got as to whether it b true... is while u r certainly old enough, how come I got five times more than three inches???????

speakin of such,,,,

A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of his fine young specimen.

"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of."
"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the handsome young man.
"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent.
"Sir?"
"Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your name."
"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason."
"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man."
"Then I bid you farewell -- my name will not change."

With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.


Five Years Later: The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars! He read the letter:
Dear Sir: Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left your office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and endeavored to change my name. Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide.
Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame.
Very Sincerely Yours,
Dick Van Dyke