The Melvis Report - Phillip Island MotoGP
Another beauty from Melvis, enjoy!
Ah yes, I see there has already been fast and furious discussion about whuhappened amongst the cognoscenti, so I'll basically cut to the chase here because quite frankly, it was with a sharp-edged knife that things got sliced and diced on Phillip Island yesterday...
Arguably the most scenic, picturesque and pucker-inducing track on the calendar, it features feathered objects that frequently strike the riders when they're cruising around at warp speed, adding a certain element of excitement that can't be found anywhere else. That and ferryloads of rowdie Aussies in full song to cheer on their miraculously recovered Marsupial Spanker, variable weather, shifting winds and a narrow championship margin meant this was gonna be a good 'un...
Through all practice and Q sessions Rossi came back as he always does when he suffers from not getting on the box - with a vengeance, but was *only* able to line it up in P2, for Stoner stole pole, but only just. Then we had Pipsqueak Pendejo Pedossa, who stated he was going to "fight for turd place in the championchip"... Yeah said I, like a toddler fighting for his sucker...
Back in the next row Lunatico Horgay Chupahuevos was illin' from some expired vegemite that someone slipped him on the sly, so he was not quite in the supra-orbital state of mind he was in a couple of weeks ago and for the first time since like for ever wasn't on the front and sat in P4 - with the Longneck Redneck in his favorite position - #5 - while DeAngelhair completed that row. Then we had Nicky who finally got some decent race gas or something and was lined up with DeFrogulet and the Flying Finn... Further back there were the usual suspects and we shall now take a moment to note that Marco Mylaundry was waaaay in the back - ahead of only Capirossi who chose to test the cool new automatic 10 point engine penalty deduction when he decided that he needed a new lawnmower mill in the heap he's forced to ride, and lastly we had the Horrible Hun Talmacsi, who is doing KJR Jr.s favorite position justice...
Savvy race watchers and those good with numbers will have noticed that there were only 16 riders on the grid. Hmmm... isn't there a rule about that? Oh wait - this is Dorna we're talking about - never mind. Back to the race...
At the light it was a typical start from the Spanish ejectile projectile who was quick to put his teenie weenie at the front, but being as how he is a Very Small Animal he would be quickly dispatched by Casey, who likes to eat very small animals quite a lot. But before we even got there, the Devil hisself visited Nicky again for another payment for the title he bartered his soul for a few years ago, because faster than you can say "Me lleva la putisima chingada!" YeeHaw's rather decent start was blottoed by a seriously wonky maneuver performed by Horgay - who tried to stuff his big nose up the wrong hole and came a cropper in turn one. Race incident! some would say - but I say bollocks - it reeked of what ol' Gibbers did more than once and was a blatant brain-fart at speed that unfortunately for Nicky resulted in his being punted off the course into the distance, only to rejoin with a battered bike that had parts falling off of it. Why he continued on to be lapped by everyone except the seagulls was a mystery until some press I read today - when he claimed that he was "kinda cruisin' hopin' for rain so I could swap mah bike and git it done..." but it was not to be. In the ensuing carnage Horgay tried to ruin his battered body even more and did manage to mangle his rather impressive proboscis in the process after he threw his carcass on the ground like a seagull hitting a windscreen...
And that was, as they say, that... Casey pounced on Pipsqueak and spat out his bones for Rossi to play with, and soon there were only 2 - then for the rest of the race Casey would lay on the sauce and The Dr. would respond in kind. He tried a couple of interesting manoeuvers to maybe sorta think about passing the resurgent Marsupial Spanker but other than balls-out, text-book top-shelf racing from two of the world's best riders, it was going to be like that until the end, for Vale was not about to try and "win it or bin it" having been gifted a fat 38 point cushion by the spastic machinations of his post-pubescent team mate...
Meanhile, as the Wizard of Oz and Rossifumi took it up to the next level, back in the back there was some good chit going down - the Long Neck Red Neck biffed his start and drifted back to 9th, but through grit and Texas-sized determination wrestled his ass back into his rightful spot and would go on to finish 5th. Mylaundry's surprisingly dedicated crew used magic, glue, seaweed and duct tape and kept all the vital bits on the bike as he was resurgent as well and went on to nail 7th, which to someone who's riding around on last year's pile of crap has to feel almost like a victory... Oh, and yeah. might as well mention Poquito Pendejo who wallowed around in a lonley no-man's land and would go on to finish 3rd to match his race number. DeAngelhair grabbed 4th, and Doozy - who really should be higher up battling for wins, no? was down in 6th.
Toegland the Piano Man was absolute rubbish yet again and jump started just to make sure he got to do a ride-through so he'd have a good excuse for his seriously underwhelming performance on the Island - but at least he finished ahead of Nick the Formerly Quick, who to further compound his annus horribilis was lapped by just about everyone. That would make it twice this year he's seen the field ride by... do you think The Kid is at all happy?
And in the end after all the dead seagulls had been plucked and grilled and the last tinnies flattened against rugged foreheads, it was Stoner once again who shoved a fistful of righteous Aussie moxie up the pasty critic's arses - his mystery illness appears to be mysteriously gone and he's back in business. In a Big Way. Dr. Rossi could afford to mug at the interview table being as how he stands to clinch the title in Malaysia, and as for Poquito Pendejo? He was on the box, but Casey has stated HIS intention of relegating the tiny inconvenience into 4th overall...
To conclude this screed, Horgay went from Hero to Zero in less than 5 seconds and has now joined the exclusive "Let's knock Nicky down" club, ensuring that 'muricans far and wide will now have 2 Spaniards to accuse of robbery, assault and battery. However, maybe in this case it should be called buggery...
