As Oily Always Says On A Friday Night [Archive] - Page 2

Brown, Jon Brow

29th June 2007, 22:33

(Tsk, B,JB... :mark: )

Alright schmenke I'll try to redeem myself (try buying the key word)

This is a story of what happened to me at work. :(

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered the butcher shop and confronted me with the news that the baby was mine and asked what was I going to do about it? Finally I offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. I had been counting the years off on my calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," I said with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

Now that's the 1st one you will tell when you get back to work on Monday :D

CarlMetro

30th June 2007, 02:35

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to them in.. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

oily oaf

30th June 2007, 07:19

Hehehehe Good work fellas.
Donks. You speak fluent English, Spanish, German (probably :mad: ) and now Cockney Rabbit. I'll tell you what my son, you make Hotbikerchic look like a dozy, monosyllabic, tugboat. What a guy ;)

A welcome return to form from my mate Schmenkie after getting up Jim's hooter last week.

Jimbo. Tone 'em down a bit squire. I got a kicking from two members of The Obscene Publications Squad last night on the strength of those 2 beauties :(

Lastly Carl. What can I say mate, except "Pick the next one to be banned. I pick............." ;)

oily oaf

6th July 2007, 16:24

Here's a couple of quick ones for you boys.
I'll have to be brief as I'm off to The Oval in a minute to watch a spot of 20/20 cricket. Surrey v Kent to be precise. Paradise for the discerning beer monster ;)

You probably wont believe this but I pulled a middle aged woman last weekend in a night club.
When we got in the car to go home she started getting a bit fruity and started nibbling me earoles and unbuttoning me dicky dirt.
"Kiss me where it's wet" she breathed huskily.
So I started the motor and drove up to Sheffield.

I had to go to the doctors last week with a rather embarassing "gentleman's problem" down below. :(
When I got into the surgery the nurse asked me to pull me strides down and lie on the couch.
After having a quick butchers she announced "I'm sorry sir but I'm afraid you'll have to stop masturbating"
"Why" I cried in dismay
"Because I'm trying to examine you" said she.

Cheers boys I can smell the barmaid's apron :beer:

Carry on :mad:

schmenke

7th July 2007, 03:44

Alas, the wee white ball proved to be far too elusive, so allow me to present this week's quality quip...

Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his left ear.
"What can I do to get it out?" he asks pathetically.
"Pour warm chocolate in the right ear and tilt your head," replies the Doc.
"How the bloody hell will that help?"
"Easy," replies the Doc. "When the chocolate cools it should come out a Treat..."

Eki

7th July 2007, 17:03

Woodeye

11th July 2007, 07:16

I'll have a go even that it's wednesday:

A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Hills.

Cowboy: "Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian.)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian.)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

oily oaf

11th July 2007, 07:28

:rotflmao: Quality Woody!
Did the Indian have Welsh ancestory then :confused:

LeonBrooke

13th July 2007, 00:46

Hey Woodeye, shouldn't that be "Australian" instead of "Indian"? :p :

Woodeye

13th July 2007, 09:08

No, not Welsh or Australian.

Maybe Swedish...

:wave:

oily oaf

13th July 2007, 17:21

My new mouse still hasn't come you know.
You don't think it's got lost in transit do ya :eek:

Jewish geezer rings up his rabbi and says "Oi vay rabbi I know tonight is Koll Nidre night and I should be in the synagogue praying but Spurs are playing in the EUFA cup tonight and I can't bear to miss the game.
"Oi" says the rabbi "That's what the video recorder is for my son"
"Do you mean I can tape Koll Nidre?" says he.

Geezer's driving down the road when all of a sudden a cop car pulls him over.
"Do you realise your wife fell out of the car 2 miles back?" says the boy in blue.
"Thank fcuk for that" he exclaims "I thought I'd gone deaf"

Three bloke with bad speech impediments visit a therapist who turns out to be a rather tasty sort.
"If you can tell me where you were born without stuttering I'll give you oral sex" she proclaims.
The first bloke says "B..B..B..Birmingham"
The second geezer has a crack "M..M..M..Manchester" he splutters
The third fella says "London!"
So the woman proceeds to fulfill her promise.
As soon as the geezer's "made his cocoa" he finishes off "D........D.......Derry."

Bloke walks up to some old bird in a boozer and says "Fancy a shag darlin'?"
"I'm sorry I can't" says she "I'm on my menstrual cycle"
"That's alright love" says our hero "I've got me scooter outside I'll follow you 'ome"

I'm wonderin'whether the courier might have been turned over :(
I mean to say there's quite a few wrong uns round 'ere nowadays.
Bleedin' Oshawans! :mad:

Mark in Oshawa

13th July 2007, 19:18

Oily....I have your mouse, and I am feeding it cheese!! If you want to see it alive, it will cost you....

schmenke

13th July 2007, 19:38

Apologies for seeming a bit groggy today but I'm suffering from the effects of mighty thump to the noggin’ received last night :mad: . Allow me elucidate…

It was a chilly evening last night as the missus and I were driving home when she asks me to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
Missus: "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”
I: “Of course, get in the car with it."
Missus: "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
I: "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
Missus: "But what about the smell?"
I: "Just hold its nose."

Stiches come out in a week :mad:

Mark in Oshawa

13th July 2007, 19:56

Schmenke....you are lucky to be alive I figure....

race aficionado

13th July 2007, 20:33

Stiches come out in a week :mad:

schmenke, you are making Oily proud.

:s mokin:

bowler

13th July 2007, 22:44

Ian McC

13th July 2007, 22:48

Once again I must remind you the liver is evil and must be punished!

Hic!

:eek:

race aficionado

13th July 2007, 23:17

this one done a few weeks ago.

try again

tough crowd eh? :mad:

some of us weren't paying attention a few weeks ago for whatever medical reason so I declare that many of us, including good ol' schmenks are suffering of what is called CRS.

Can't Remember Sh!-

:s mokin:

Ian McC

13th July 2007, 23:27

Is this the right room for an arguement?

oily oaf

14th July 2007, 07:17

Oily....I have your mouse, and I am feeding it cheese!! If you want to see it alive, it will cost you....

This is nothing short of a dastardly, underhand, heartless ruse to get your sweaty mitts on the hard earned folding of an honest yeoman and is absolutely in keeping with what I've come to expect from the cheesy-eared, hairy navelled, foreign jonny :mad:
You're out of luck matey. I've just made a phone call to the suppliers who have assured me that my mouse is currently safe and well in the storeoom of their depot in Llud.
(knocks out contents of pipe on cat, puts ear to letterbox and listens for sound of approaching courier)

oily oaf

14th July 2007, 07:18

Is this the right room for an arguement?

I've told you once :mad:

Ian McC

14th July 2007, 09:02

I've told you once :mad:

No you haven't :mad: :mad:

oily oaf

14th July 2007, 09:06

No you haven't :mad: :mad:

This one could run and run eh Mac? ;)

Ian McC

14th July 2007, 09:42

This one could run and run eh Mac? ;)

You're right there!

Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour? :p :

Brown, Jon Brow

19th July 2007, 22:32

CarlMetro

19th July 2007, 23:27

Perhaps because it's only Thursday? :p :

oily oaf

20th July 2007, 07:30

Here's an oldie :D

I was asked the other day by someone "have you ever had an owl?"

No! I replied

"Oh, well I bet you've had a cockatoo!"

*tumbleweed*

Well no-one else seems like they are making an effort tonight. :mad:

I think a touch of burning is called for here JB old chap.
!0 minutes face up for the diabolical joke and 10 face down for failing to grasp what day of the week it is.

Burn him! Burn him I say! Buuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrn some sense into 'im :mad:
(Launches into maniacal cackling hehehehehehhohohohohohohhahahahah.....etc)

Brown, Jon Brow

20th July 2007, 09:49

Sorry about that old chaps :laugh:

:uhoh:

Flat.tyres

20th July 2007, 10:01

police in Dublin discovered 12 Muslims stuck to the inside of their Mosque and believe it to be the first reported case of a "No More Nails" bomber. :D

race aficionado

20th July 2007, 15:09

Yo flat!
I just woke up, coffee hasn't kicked in and I don't freekin' understand the Muslin nail joke.
I'll let it simmer in then as I hopefully wake up . . . . :mad:

:dozey:

Flat.tyres

20th July 2007, 15:43

Yo flat!
I just woke up, coffee hasn't kicked in and I don't freekin' understand the Muslin nail joke.
I'll let it simmer in then as I hopefully wake up . . . . :mad:

:dozey:

ahhhhh, it may not have made it over your side of the pond yet.

http://www.diytools.co.uk/diy/Images/DB_Detail/_11879__61665__.jpg

no more nails is an adheasive that means you need ..........

well, you get the idea ;)

oily oaf

20th July 2007, 17:34

A woman goes to the gynecologist and during the examination he remarks "Do you know that's the cleanest quim I've seen all week"
"Thanks very much" says she "I have a woman in 4 times a week"

"A female office worker is working away at her desk when a bloke comes up to her and says "Your hair smells nice"
She leaps up and storms into her managers office "That swine just told me my hair smells nice" she fumes.
"Whats wrong with that?" says her bemused gaffer
"He's a midget" says she

NEXT! :mad:

CarlMetro

20th July 2007, 19:09

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack
of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on
the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the damn dishes!"

CarlMetro

20th July 2007, 19:10

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting.

There was no response.

The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"

CarlMetro

20th July 2007, 19:12

I went to the cemetary yesterday to lay some flowers on a relative's grave.

As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin...

3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these poor sods have lost the plot!!

erm............carry on ;)

CharlieJ

20th July 2007, 21:57

I was thinking.... "I'll have some of what Carl's on" :D

Until that last one :p

:dozey:

CharlieJ

20th July 2007, 22:01

I completely deny any responsibility for this one...

Someone mailed it to me.

Honest.

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge
fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death
with a spade. Realising his employer wonâ?st be best pleased he disposes of
the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked
by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a
spade killing them both. What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He
hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs
the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and
throws them! into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion
and says "What's the food like here?"

(Wait for it!!)....

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with
Mushy Bees

Honest... it's not my fault... I just had to pass it on. :erm:

jim mcglinchey

20th July 2007, 23:38

"A female office worker is working away at her desk when a bloke comes up to her and says "Your hair smells nice"
She leaps up and storms into her managers office "That swine just told me my hair smells nice" she fumes.
"Whats wrong with that?" says her bemused gaffer
"He's a midget" says she

NEXT! :mad:

...later that evening in a pub down the street, the midget sidles up to a leegy blonde and tugs at her skirt. " What" she says, glaring down. " Can I smell your fanjita? " he asks. " Certainly not" " Ahh" he says " it must be your feet then."

oily oaf

21st July 2007, 09:31

Good work last night fellas.
Laugh? I thought I'd never start ;)

Charlie. Some old geezer told me that one a few weeks back down the pub. It took him about half an hour but it was worth it for the punchline :D

oily oaf

27th July 2007, 17:29

Now then chaps and chaparoonitas tonight's effort comes courtesy of my daughter, a demur and caring children's nurse and upstanding pillar of the community :rotflmao:

A bloke goes for a round of golf only to find that his playing partner hasn't turned up.
Spotting a young lady on the first tee he enquires politely if she would care to make up a twosome.
"sure why not?" says she "And just to make it interesting if I win I'll give you oral sex and if you win we'll have the full enchilada"
"Sounds like a plan" says the fella and drives off down the fairway.
After 18 hard fought holes the woman just pips him by 1 stroke and duly obliges the geezer in the back of his car.

The next week he spots her again on the first and asks if she fancies a repeat performance for the same stakes.
"Go for it" says the girl and blasts one straight down the fairway.
Once again the lady emerges victorious by the narrowest of margins and true to her word plays a handy little tune on the pink oboe.

A week later the same scenario takes place with the same predictable result.
"Tell ya what" says the geezer "I'm starting to feel a bit guilty about getting all the pleasure. Why don't we nip back to my gaff and I'll make love to you properly"
To his amazement the young woman breaks down crying and buries her head in her hands."What is it love?" says our boy "Everything OK?"
"Not really" she wails "you see the thing is I'm a pre-op transsexual and everything "down below" hasn't been finished yet"

At this revelation the geezer tears off his cap, flings it to the ground and starts to give her a fearsome beasting. "You swine!" he roars "You filthy, cheating bloody swine!"

"I'm so sorry" she blubs "I didn't mean to have sex with you under false pretenses"

"It's not that" bellows the fella "You've been playing off the ladies tee for 3 weeks!" :mad:

Now in the interests of common decency and to avoid a life ban I have toned down my daughter's ribald terminology to make this tale suitable for a family forum.

Personally I blame the parents (fume)
(pulls grandson onto knee, picks up copy of "Your Very First "Women And Animals" and starts to read)

schmenke

27th July 2007, 19:45

George goes to the doctors to have a body rash checked over.
The doctor tells him to strip off and examines him, "well George did you know you have brown balls?"
"Yes" said george embarrassed, "But its the rash I'm worried about."
"Sorry I have no idea what's causing it," says the doc, "I'll refer you to the dermatology department."

At the dermatology departmet the specialist nurse asks George to strip. "My word George, you have brown balls," says the nurse.
Once again all embarrassed George says, "Yes but its the rash I'm particularily worried about."

A consultant walks in to the room and also points out George's brown balls.
Once again the reply from George shows more concern for the rash.
The consultant checks him over with rigorous tests and George finally goes home feeling stupid and quite miffed.

When he gets home he is greeted by his 12 children and his wife ironing and cooking at the same time.
"Are you ok dear?" asks his wife.

"No I'm bloody not! I've spent 8 hours in that bloody hospital going through tests to be told that my rash was caused by that washing powder you use. Everything that happens to me is because of something you did or didn't do properly!" wails George.

"Now you look here!" says the wife, "I run around in this house after the twelve kids cooking, cleaning and ironing! I don't have time to wipe my own arse!" retorts his wife.

"And thats another bloody problem they found at the hospital!"

:dozey:

RaceFanStan

28th July 2007, 02:00

My 8th grade History teacher gave me words to lie by ...
he said, "There are thousands of comedians out of work & here you are trying to be funny." :eek:

It seems not everyone can appreciate a good joke ..... :laugh:

CarlMetro

3rd August 2007, 14:40

I know it's not Friday night but I thought I get everyone off to a good start early :D

THE VOODOO PENIS

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop & explained his situation.

The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Penis!"

The husband said "The what"? The man repeated " The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"

The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!" The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped & returned to the box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch". The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible.

After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and dcided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right...Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"

The rest, as they say, is history..............

schmenke

3rd August 2007, 15:13

Well after Carl's lackluster attempt, I feel I should at least provide a quickie before the mob turns unruley... :dozey: :

Two boys get thier grades from thier female sex-ed teacher.
One gets a D and the other an F.
"We should get her for this," says the first boy.
"Yeah," the second agrees. "I'm going to kick her right in the nuts."

Bezza

3rd August 2007, 19:27

Love this thread, its been making me chuckle, especially Oily's ones! Keeps me smiling considering my new job as a wall cavity fixer. Its OK, though, I'm just filling in.

schmenke

3rd August 2007, 20:01

Love this thread, its been making me chuckle, especially Oily's ones! Keeps me smiling considering my new job as a wall cavity fixer. Its OK, though, I'm just filling in.

Sounds like interesting employment Bezza. Any vacancies to fill? I'm tiring of my current job, repairing lifts. It's not a particularily bad job, although it has its ups and downs.

Ian McC

3rd August 2007, 20:16

I may have posted this before, I can't remember

3 naked men in a sauna, an American, a Japanese and an Irishman. They hear a beeping sound, the American touches his arm and says that's my pager, I have a microchip under my skin. Next a phone rings and the Japanese man lifts his palm to his ear and says I have a microchip in my hand.

The Irishman, feeling very low tech, goes to the toilet and comes back with toilet paper hanging from his arse.

He says "Oh Jaysus, would you look at that, I'm getting a fax"

Brown, Jon Brow

3rd August 2007, 20:51

......................as usually it's up to me to save this thread from the impending doom. :dozey:

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy".

(satisfied grin)

schmenke

3rd August 2007, 21:10

I believe attempts were made to save previous days with that one :dozey:

Okaydokay, time for some drastic measures here or else this thread will thoroughly collapse...

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Brown, Jon Brow

3rd August 2007, 21:14

The atmosphere in here now has turned rather sour :dozey: :\

schmenke

3rd August 2007, 21:24

The atmosphere in here now has turned rather sour :dozey: :\

We're a finicky lot. Quality material is required :mark:

Brown, Jon Brow

3rd August 2007, 21:28

We're a finicky lot. Quality material is required :mark:

Oh I get you ;)

Two blonde's walk into a building......you'd expect one of them to see it

:uhoh:
I'll get my coat

RaikkonenRules

3rd August 2007, 22:38

A chav walks into a bar and tries to select a song on the juke box. The juke box tells him to f*** off. The bemused chav turns to the bartender and says, that machine is well out of order.

Brown, Jon Brow

3rd August 2007, 22:43

:rolleyes:

Well that's it for this thread :mad:

Goodbye :wave:

bowler

4th August 2007, 04:56

waiting for some quality from His Oiliness

oily oaf

4th August 2007, 07:27

waiting for some quality from His Oiliness

(shuffles shamefacedly onto thread and looks down sheepishly at shoes)
Sorry I'm late boys :(
You see last night after getting in from the toil (that's Scottish talk that is) :mad: a young neighbour of the opposite species asked me if I'd fit a couple of new shockers to her old Astra van as one of 'em had sheared off at the bottom mount .
Now as the young lady in question was fair of face and ample of bodily particle it seemed churlish to refuse so I set to with a willing heart and a rigid pry bar and knuckled down to the job in hand so to speak.
Having completed my mission and received my reward, sadly a financial one, I noticed to my absolute horror that the boozer had been open for more than 12 minutes.
So abandoning my duties to this thread I shaved, shat and donned my Britool posing socks before running at considerable speed to the welcoming portals of the rub a dub.
Sadly I didn't know anyone in there so I was forced to leave after five and a half hours without even starting a ruck or chundering over some birds shoes :(

However it was good to see that the thread has been nurtured and cherished in my absence and that once more the depths of poor taste, ill-chosen innuendo and downright filthy smut have been well and truly plumbed.
Good work foul, degenerate type fellas!

I notice that even renowned forum swordsman and Northern chappie par excellence Bezza put in a welcome performance. Nice hair mate, shame about the joke (fume)
By the way you it may interest you to learn, my Preston dwelling pervster that I had that Lilly Allen in my garage yesterday.
She wanted a chassis steam clean and inspection, dry nipple greasing and her exhaust port reamed out.
I wouldn't mind but after I finished, the demanding little mare wanted me to work on her motor as well :mad: .

As for this weeks joke, sadly I haven't heard any good ones this week but in the interests of fair play and under extreme duress I fully intend to subject myself to long selfless hours down various seedy East End drinkers in a magnificent and altruistic bid to bring you the jocular fare to which you have become accustomed.
Right! Time for training.

(dons ring boots, drops into boxing crouch and raises bent right arm to head repeatedly)

Be lucky! :D

oily oaf

4th August 2007, 08:49

Hold up boys. The scream's off. I just nicked this one off the West Ham forum.

A London City Boy opens the door of his Boxter to get out when a bloody great truck passes and tears his door off.
Well the geezer's absolutely distraught and starts crying and bawling out. "My beautiful Porshe. What am I going to do? It'll never be the same again."

A passing Scottish policeman comes on the scene and exclaims "You Sassenach scumbags make me sick. You're so materialistic. All you ever think about is your possessions. Didn't you notice that the truck also tore your arm off in the impact?"

The yuppie looks down at his bleeding stump in horror and exclaims tearfully "F******g Hell! Where's my bloody Rolex?!!!

I'm here till they open :mad:

LeonBrooke

10th August 2007, 07:50

Well I think I should have a go, seeing as I haven't posted any humour for a while.

So, here it goes:

Bob dies and goes to hell and, as usual, he's personally greeted by Satan himself, who happens to look like Dawn French, but that's not important.

Bob's in tears - crying seemingly inconsolably; but Satan, being the kind, understanding supernatural being that she is, gives it a go.

"What's wrong, bob?" She asks. "Why so blue?"

"Well," bob begins, "well, I'm in hell. I never wanted to come here, I wanted to go to heaven. It's enough to make anyone cry, surely..."

Satan smiles to herself a little and says, "Maybe not so much. Are you a drinker, Bob?"

Bob nods. "Yes, I like a bit of alcohol. It's why I'm here, surely."

"Well then," says Satan, "you'll love Mondays. We have the world's best wines and spirits, and the most experienced bartenders making the cocktails. How does that sound? Now, Bob, do you smoke?"

Bob's now interested. "Sounds great! Yes yes yes! I smoke too. Probably another reason I'm here, but..." he trails off in anticipation.

"You'll love Tuesdays as well! We have all the world's brands of cigarettes, Cuban cigars, pipe tobacco, even some hash if you're interested..."

Bob's salivating with anticipation now. his heart racing, he asks, "So, what's on Wednesday?"

"Bob," Satan asks, "are you a homosexual?"

Bob shakes his head in confusion. "No, I'm not."

Satan smiles apologetically. "Well Bob, Wednesdays won't be so much for you then..."

:mad: I knew I shouldn't have bothered typing it all out. Carry on

oily oaf

10th August 2007, 08:02

Sorry mate but I can't give you my appraisal of the above joke as it's not quite Friday night here yet :(
(dons Sgt Major outfit and bawls lustily "WAIT FOR IT YOU 'ORRIBLE LITTLE MAN"

CarlMetro

10th August 2007, 08:53

Well I think I should have a go, seeing as I haven't posted any humour for a while.

We're still waiting...............

oily oaf

10th August 2007, 17:08

Now then boys I'll have to knock these little beauties out a bit lively as me and a few mates are going to jump on a few water taxis for a Thames pub crawl in an hour or so. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh Jim lad etc.

Numero Uno.
This deaf and dumb geezer goes into a chemist for some condoms. Unfortunately due to his disability he's unable to convey to the chemist what he's after.
Finally in sheer desperation he whips out his custard rifle, slams it on the counter and sticks a fiver next to it.
To his amazement the chemist then follows suit before scooping up the money and shoving it in his sky (pocket)
Well the deaf geezer starts doing his pieces and jumps up and down gesticulating furiously.
The chemist looks at him ruefully and says "Look mate if you don't like losing you shouldn't bloody gamble"

Numero dos
Geezer with no arms or legs is laying on the beach sunbathing when 3 tasty birds saunter over.
Feeling a bit sorry for him the first girl says "Hey have you ever had a hug?"
"No I haven't" says the unfortunate chap.
So the girl gives him a nice big hug.
The 2nd bird comes over and asks the fella "Have you ever been kissed?"
"Never" says the bloke so she gives him a full on smacker with tongues.
Finally the 3rd babe strolls over and ask him huskily "You ever been f****d?"
Well the geezers eyes light up and he starts shaking his head vigorously.
"Well you are now" says the young sort "The tide's comin' in"

Avast behind ye landlubbers I'm off to sail the Thames Maine with my scurvy shipmates. Lock up your grandmas. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! :s ailor:

schmenke

10th August 2007, 20:09

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back
of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the
slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

oily oaf

11th August 2007, 07:27

Ag ag ag ag ag ag ag Schmenke boy.
Aint it the truth brother? Aint it just the everlovin' truth? :D
Don't worry mate I don't think the girls read this thread. It's a bit too highbrow for 'em ;)
Still better safe than sorry I spose.
(dons tin hat with extra kevlar and dives under table)

BTW There was a bloke on our boat last nite smoking the biggest spliff I have ever seen.
It was like being on one of them steam boats rolling down the Mississippi :D
Mind you I did sleep well last night. Musta been all them dog biscuits I ate.

"Ole Man Ribber. Dat Ole Man Ribber. He Just Keep........etc"

schmenke

17th August 2007, 15:55

Retirement...

My name is John. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife Peggy.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for
the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets the dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as
it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she had only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice big cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a short while. And as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing so much consideration is easy. Many men will find
it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you
just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, John

EDITOR'S NOTE:

John died suddenly on Feb 27 of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her NOT GUILTY accepting her defense that John somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

I wonder what's for supper tonight...?

:uhoh:

Flat.tyres

17th August 2007, 16:06

oily oaf

18th August 2007, 07:50

i cannot believe that I am sitting here, on a lovely day, waiting for Oilys friday night episode instead of getting down the Rub for a cold un.

the only thing that can save me now is a power cut.

wheres my life gone!!!! :bigcry:

(strips to waist to reveal rippling torso and strikes bloody great gong)
WAKE UP YA MUG I'M 'ERE NOW!.
What a night for the forum to crash eh boys? :(
I got fed up in the end and started reading a book about glue manufacturing.
I couldn't put it down.

Right on with the show.
West Ham football club sign a promising young striker from Baghdad and on his debut he finds himself on the subs bench for the clash between The Hammers (may the blessings of the prophet be upon them) and their arch North London rivals Arsenal.
Things don't go well for The Irons and with 10 minutes on the clock they find themselves 2 - 0 down.
The Hammers boss decides to take a gamble and throws on the young Iraqi for the last knockings.
Well the kid's an absolute revelation and promptly scores a superb hat trick that sees West Ham emerge 3 - 2 winners.
After the game the triumphant young geezer goes back to his lonely hotel room and decides to give his old mum a ring.
"Hello Abdul" says his mater "How is everything my son?"
"Blindin' mum" he gushes "I scored 3 goals on my debut and have become an overnight Eastend hero, it was fantastic. But enough about me how are you and the family?"
"It's not too clever here I'm afraid son" she laments
"Last night a suicide bomber drove into the house and killed your dad while he was having his dinner, then your sister was taken out by a rooftop sniper and on top of that your Gran's been taken hostage by Muslim fundamentalists"
"Blimey mum" exclaims the distraught youngster "I'm really sorry to hear it"
"SORRY! " bellows his ma "It was you who insisted we move to East London in the first place"

And now this:

An Eskimo geezer's driving to the North Pole when his motor conks out.
He gets straight on the dog and bone and summons The Arctic AA.
When the AA mechanic arrives he quickly lifts the hood and starts having a butchers inside.
"You've blown a seal squire" he announces.
The Eskimo looks down at his shoes awkwardly and mumbles "No I haven't it's just a bit of frost on my moustache"

(runs from stage with Bugs Bunny theme tune playing furiously in background)

oily oaf

18th August 2007, 07:53

PS Nice one Shmenkey
Ag ag ag ag ag ag ag

CarlMetro

18th August 2007, 12:45

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

schmenke

19th August 2007, 00:02

Carl :up: :D

Oily... um, recent material would be appreciated :mad:

Eki

19th August 2007, 09:33

Don't worry mate I don't think the girls read this thread. It's a bit too highbrow for 'em ;)

Well, it's not too highbrow for Jon Brow.

oily oaf

19th August 2007, 11:28

Well, it's not too highbrow for Jon Brow.

That's a bit harsh chief :( I spoke to his mum last night and she proudly recounted how JB had almost finished "Your Very First Pop-Up ABC" and had read an entire chapter of "Pooh And Piglet Hunt A Heffalump" whilst sitting on the potty doing poopy plops.
Get your facts straight before you start libelling people matey boy :mad:

oily oaf

19th August 2007, 11:31

Carl :up: :D

Oily... um, recent material would be appreciated :mad:

Whaddya mean "recent" My grandad got those jokes from Max "The Cheeky Chappie" Miller in 1937.
How contemporary can you get fer Chrissakes. (fume)
(rips jesters hat from head and jumps up and down on it repeatedly)

Ian McC

19th August 2007, 11:39

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid.
As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent.
Over the course of the evening they get chatting.
At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again.
Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks
if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night
before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in
again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner.
The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she
can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to
him. She asks him where he's from in Australia.
"Melbourne", he tells her.
"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.
"Glen Iris" he replies.
"That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?" "Cameo
Street" he replies. "This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice
quavering; "What number?"

"Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this,"
she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

oily oaf

24th August 2007, 18:00

Here's tonight's £5.00 prizewinner boys :D

This geezer's walking through Bermondsey when he sees a sign saying "Talking dog for sale"
He knocks on the door and asks to see it
"Sure says the owner "He's in the back yard".
The fella goes out back and sees an ordinary looking mongrel sitting outside a kennel
"I hear you can talk" says the bloke
"Sure can" replies the dog cheerfully
"Whats your story then?" enquires the potential buyer
"well I discovered my powers of speech pretty young" says Rover "So I decided to use my skills to help my country and enlisted with MI5 and was soon jetting from country to country sitting in on important summit conferences as no one suspected that a dog could give away vital secrets. I was Britain's foremost agent for over 9 years.
The jetset lifestyle eventually wore me out so I took a cushy number working at airports wandering up close to suspicious characters and listening in to their dastardly plans.
In this manner I managed to foil a number of heinous terrorist plots against Britain and was eventually awarded a number of medals for services to the nation"
"That's amazing" exclaimed the astonished fella and goes back in the house and asks the owner how much he wants for his wonder pooch.
"A tenner" says the owner.
"Blimey that's cheap!" he replies "How come you're letting such a fantastic animal go so cheaply?"
"Cos he's a f******g liar" says the owner "He's never done any of that stuff"

It's the way I tell 'em innit? :s mokin:

CarlMetro

25th August 2007, 00:00

Quality stuff from the master :up:

Here's one which popped up in my inbox this week (Oooo er misses!)

Harry was getting along in years, and was no longer able to perform sexually. He finally went to his doctor, who tried a few things, but nothing seemed to work, so the doctor referred him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man said, 'I can cure this', and he threw some white powder on an open flame. There was a flash, and billowing blue smoke, and he said, 'This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'

Harry then asked, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?'

The medicine man replied: 'All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down, but be warned -- it will not work again for a whole year!'

Harry rushed home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night, he was ready to surprise his wife, Joyce. He showered, shaved, and put on his most exotic shaving lotion, jumped into bed, and lying next to her said,'123.'

He suddenly became more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised! Joyce, who had been facing away, turned over and asked, 'What did you say 123 for?'

Mark in Oshawa

25th August 2007, 00:41

And another:

The Frog and Golf

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he Hears,"ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "rbbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. you must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "ribbit lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" The man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,"OK frog, now What?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I would Bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Hi Hits on the number and tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit KissMe."

He figures why not,since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room, so help me God orr my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

oily oaf

25th August 2007, 08:02

Hmmmmmmmm The Master eh? Hmmmmm (lights pipe, sits down and leans forward stroking chin thoughtfully)
Yes I must confess it does have a certain ring to it.
Right! From now on you will refer to me as Il Maestro and bow down and face Whitechapel Bell Foundry every Friday Nite :mad:

Good work tonight amusing story telling, Friday night thread respecting, Master worshipping type fellas :D

Apart that is from Mark In Some Old Tugboat's Boudoir In Winsconcin who quite unashamedly nicked his first joke from the annuls of this very thread.
Burn him Ban Him Bury Him!

CarlMetro

29th August 2007, 21:45

Hopefully my impertenance will be forgiven but it's midweek and I thought you could all do with a little stop-gap before Friday :D

Subject: IT vs Management

A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied: "You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f***ing fault..."

schmenke

29th August 2007, 22:02

I could've waited :dozey:

oily oaf

30th August 2007, 07:18

(slowly cranks handle on WWII air ride siren)
Premature ejokeulation alert!

Only joking (see what I.....) Carl. I dont want you to beat yourself up over your shortcomings as this disorder is extremely common in young and eager, inexperienced joke tellers such as your good self :)
I wonder have you tried thinking about The Duke Of Einburgh sitting on the toilet after a gruelling night on the Guiness and pickled onions?

No no dont thank me :(

schmenke

31st August 2007, 14:48

Brown, Jon Brow

31st August 2007, 14:56

* drops pen and rubs his eyes in disbelieve*

Eki

31st August 2007, 15:20

What's the difference between a Britney Spears video and a porn movie?

Porn movies have better music.

Brown, Jon Brow

31st August 2007, 15:21

:bigcry:

schmenke

31st August 2007, 15:34

:D :up:

oily oaf

31st August 2007, 18:01

No premature ejokeulation here :mad: ... Thank me later...

Two Glaswegians, Erchie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the meenister. Even ma stag night".
Erchie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Erchie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smairt in that"!
"An' whit's the tartan?" Erchie then enquires.
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white!"

Bwaaaaaahahahahahahaha! :up:
Racist fiend! :down:

Talking of racism I heard one the other day from a Pakistani geezer that was right up there in the echelons of all time rib ticklers. Sadly if I were to repeat it here I'd be banned until Amy Winehouse sobers up. :(

Here's a Jewish one.
Jewish bloke is on a flight to Tel Aviv seated beside two Arab geezers. Well the old Jewish bloke's plates of meat start hurting so he slips his shoes off. Just then one of the Arabs asks the Jewish guy if he'd mind nipping up to the galley and getting him a glass of coke.
"Oi no problem" he declares "I'll get one for your friend too while I'm there"
Anyway while he's gone one of the Arabs spits into his left shoe while his oppo does likewise to the other one.
The fella comes back with the cokes and puts them down in front of his new found chums. "There you go boys" he smiles and slips his shoes back on.
When he feels all the slimy mess inside 'em he twigs straight away what's gone down.
He throws his arms up in the air, tears at his shirt and starts wailing. "Oi Vay when will it all end? The enmity, the hatred, the mistrust, the spitting in shoes, the pissing in Coca Cola"

Here's a quickie before I nip down the pub for a sharpner.
This bloke jumps into bed with his new girlfriend and says "Any chance of a 68 love?"
"What's a 68?" she enquires.
"You do me and I'll owe you one" says he.

Last and most definitely least
What do you call a Jewish Chinaman with homosexual tendencies?
A Heblew!

COOOOOOOOOOOOOAT!

CarlMetro

1st September 2007, 00:19

Subject: New policy for Heaven.....

It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven.

The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

No problem," the man says. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! 'Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.

But wouldn't you know it, the lucky ******* landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ****** me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the fridge. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces, OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, and lets him in.

A few seconds later the next guy comes up. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.

The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! 'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his fridge of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. I could get used to this new policy, he thinks to himself. Very well, the angel announces, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task. OK, please tell me what sort of a day you were having when you died.

The third man says, "Alright, picture this. I'm naked inside this fridge..........

CarlMetro

1st September 2007, 00:20

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!' The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies, Im blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!' Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?' 'I'll handle this, I was married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!' He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

CarlMetro

1st September 2007, 00:24

Can't tell my last one becuase the swear filter is blocking the punchline :rolleyes:

LeonBrooke

7th September 2007, 09:42

Dave goes into the brain shop and browses a bit, before the sales assistant walks up and says, "Can I help you, sir?"

Dave thinks for a moment before pointing to one particular brain on the shelf. "How much does that one cost?" he asks.

"Ten thousand Euros," the sales assistant says.

"Wow," Dave exclaims. "That's quite a bit. How much is that one?" He points at another, identical, brain.

"Ten Euros," the sales assistant says.

This is odd to Dave. "It looks like there's no difference. What is the difference?"

"The expensive brain is a male brain, and the cheap one is a female brain. Why is the female brain cheaper? It's been used."

:\ I know, I shouldn't've bothered...

CarlMetro

7th September 2007, 11:13

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the new pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond C5 organ the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a
condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist. 'Miss Beatrice' he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about
this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh yes' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?' I
was walking home through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep
it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I
haven't had the flu all winter'

schmenke

7th September 2007, 14:50

Carl came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Carl, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

Carl was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family, I haven't fulfilled my life yet. . . you've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Carl was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Carl, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Carl.

"Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his
emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

"Carl, wake up you drunken bast4rd, you've sh!t the bed."

oily oaf

7th September 2007, 17:54

Righto chaps the sun's over the yardarm, the barmaid's slipped into a low cut boob tube and is busying herself steam cleaning my tankard and all's right with the world so here's tonights barrel scraper.

A woman goes to her gynaecologist and shyly announces "I've got a rather embarrassing problem doc, my labia is absolutely huge and needs trimming down"
"Don't worry my dear" says the medic "I'll have you sorted in no time"
The lady then explains "The thing is doc I don't want anyone to know about this as it's rather personal and embarrassing"
"Mum's the word" he reassures her "This is between you and me"
The next day the woman wakes up post op and discovers to her horror that there are 3 bunches of flowers laying on her bed.
When the surgeon comes to check on her condition she starts giving him a right royal beasting
I thought you were going to keep this secret" she bawls "So how do you explain these flowers?"
"Calm down missus" says the quack.
The first bunch are from me because you were all on your own and I thought they might cheer you up and the second bunch are from the nurse for being such a good patient.
"What about the third bunch?" she wails
"Oh they're from the geezer upstairs in the burns unit to thank you for his brand new set of earoles" he soothes.

Not as good as the one Schmenkie sent me by PM but I've 'eard worse boys ;)

schmenke

7th September 2007, 19:47

...Not as good as the one Schmenkie sent me by PM but I've 'eard worse boys ;)

I dare say it's a good thing that some gaffaws are left to PM's :uhoh: ;)

Brown, Jon Brow

7th September 2007, 21:06

I think I'll risk telling a joke :uhoh:

'A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it.'

:p Quite good for me

oily oaf

8th September 2007, 07:24

Brownie I've seen grown men burned face up for less than that matey :mad:

Still while you're here:
What's brown and used to sit on Nelson's Column?
Winnie Mandela.

Join me today in the battle against racism :vader:

CarlMetro

9th September 2007, 23:26

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied,

"Probably out drinking with his buddies."

CarlMetro

14th September 2007, 01:28

I'm aware that I'm breaking protocol by posting these on a Friday morning but I won't be here Friday night, nor all of next week either and I know that this thread has been lacking in quality gags recently so I thought I'd make it a bit better ;)

London Lawyer Vs Glasgow Cop

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper . He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

Irish Prostitue

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in
the shadows.

'Twenty quid . . .' she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before but he decides what
the heck, it's only twenty quid.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a
couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them,
it's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined
that light in her face.

Organs

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain,
'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'

'I should be in charge,' said the blood ,
'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'

'I should be in charge,' said the stomach ,
'because I process food and give all of you energy.'

'I should be in charge,' said the legs,
'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'

'I should be in charge,' said the eyes,
'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'

'I should be in charge,' said the rectum,
'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!

pino

14th September 2007, 07:42

A woman went to her doctor. "Doctor, my husband and I have a problem. We make love everywhere we can, in the kitchen, in the livingroom, in the car, at the park ect." The doctor is puzzled. "Well then, what is the problem?" "The problem is, that we don't do it together!"

Cheques please ! :D

oily oaf

14th September 2007, 07:50

leopard

14th September 2007, 07:52

Doctor said: Neither me and my wife do it together

funny, really Pino :p :

pino

14th September 2007, 08:59

I'm afraid you give me no alternative than to ban you for life for being very, very rude indeed :mad:

Not my fault you don't understand my italian-english :p :

Eki

14th September 2007, 12:49

Carl came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and hailed a taxi. Carl asked the driver if he has room for 20 beers and a large pizza on his front seat. "I do", said the driver, so Carl bent down above the front seat and threw up.

oily oaf

14th September 2007, 17:26

I tell ya what boys. Fair play to Metro. The man is prepared to get out of his pit in the middle of the night just to keep this poor excuse for a thread alive.
I must confess I blubbed shamelessly when I saw the time of his post. :mad:

Sadly I've only got time for a quick one tonite as I am scheduled to remove the transmission from my son's poxy Rover 216 and fit a replacement before opening time so let's cut to the chase.

I'll start by telling you of a rather bizzarre incident that occured yesterday evening.
There was a knock on the door about 10pm and I answered it only to be confronted by my mate Simon and his uncle who was confined to a wheelchair :(
"What happened to you?" I enquired.
"I lost both legs in a car crash last week" he explained.
Anyway I invited 'em in for a cold one and before I knew it they started droning on about the accident and it's tragic aftermath.
TBH it was so tedious that I dozed off halfway through the sorry tale only to be rudely awakened by my mate shoving a gun into my ribs and demanding that I pay attention.
Ah yes my friends I'll never forget the day when I was held at gunpoint and forced to listen to Simon and Half Uncle.

(lights pipe, dons peek a boo toolbelt, scoops up "Tightnuts" Maternity Breaker Bar and leaves building)

Daz

16th September 2007, 00:40

When is a pixie not a pixie?
When it's got it's head up a fairys skirt as it's a goblin then :D

oily oaf

21st September 2007, 17:22

Right boys and lumpy jumpers. Here's one that my mate Pino told me the other day in a seaside rub n tug bar in Napoli.

A young Italian girl has just got married and as a good catholic girl she's very nervous about the wedding night so she asks her mama to keep her company while her husband gets ready for bed.
"Donta worry Maria" soothes the mama "Luca is a gooda boy. 'E gonna takea good care of you"
Anyway the nervous young bride goes upstairs and then promptly runs back down again wailing in dismay
"Mama mama!" she cries "'E's gotta big 'airy chest"
"Donta worry my angel" says the old girl "All gooda boys they 'ave a big 'airy chesta
Slightly reassured the girl returns to the bedroom before emerging once more screaming the house down
Mama mia! 'E's gotta big 'airy legs!" she wails
"Donta cry my daughter" says mama "All gooda boys they 'ave the big 'airy legs"
So once agan the virginal young lovely climbs the stairs and opens the bedroom door only to find her new husband naked on the bed where she notices that he's only got 3 toes on his right foot.
She runs back downstairs bawling "Mama mama 'e's gotta foot and a half" whereupon the old girl pushes her violently aside and rushes upstairs shouting "Outta the way girl there's some things only a mama can deal with"

(lights pipe, swigs from bottle of Campari, takes bite from pizza and starts to sing)
When you walk ina dream but you know you're not dreaming Signoreeeee
Scuzza me but you see back in old Napoli thats amoreeeeee

Firstgear

21st September 2007, 20:41

A rather lenghty one, but here goes....

A small town in Iraq is being overrun by mice. They've tried traps, poison and everything else they can think of. In desperation the mayor calls a town meeting seeking advise to solve the problem. Nobody has any ideas, until a stranger calls out "I can solve your mouse problem, but it's going to cost you $10,000 up front. The mayor asks him "How do you propose to get rid of the mice?" "I can't tell you, and you wouldn't believe me anyway" says the stranger, "but I guarantee I'll get rid of 'em." Not knowing what else to do, the mayor hands over the loot. The next day, the stranger shows up driving a big bus. He opens up the back door, and a huge green mouse jumps out. It proceeds to run down the street and all the mice from the houses it passes by run out to follow it. Well the huge green mouse runs down street after street and all the mice keep following it. After it has run down every street in town, it jumps into the river at the edge of town and all the mice follow it and drown. A minute later, the huge green mouse jumps out of the river and runs back into the bus. Seeing what has just happened, the mayors eyes light up. He runs over to the stranger and beams "Would you happen to have a huge green American in the back of that bus?"

Brown, Jon Brow

21st September 2007, 20:41

"Mama mama 'e's gotta foot and a half"

:s hock: Good Lord!!!!! :disturb:

Brown, Jon Brow

21st September 2007, 20:52

I've got a good one for my comeback to this thread :p

A blonde pushes her BMW into a garage. She tells oily oaf, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

Sleeper

21st September 2007, 23:28

Have you considered retirment Jon?

oily oaf

22nd September 2007, 08:36

Have you considered retirment Jon?

Thats a bit harsh mate.
I actually thought that one represented Brownie's finest hour ;)

A small town in Iraq is being overrun by mice. They've tried traps, poison and everything else they can think of. In desperation the mayor calls a town meeting seeking advise to solve the problem. Nobody has any ideas, until a stranger calls out "I can solve your mouse problem, but it's going to cost you $10,000 up front. The mayor asks him "How do you propose to get rid of the mice?" "I can't tell you, and you wouldn't believe me anyway" says the stranger, "but I guarantee I'll get rid of 'em." Not knowing what else to do, the mayor hands over the loot. The next day, the stranger shows up driving a big bus. He opens up the back door, and a huge green mouse jumps out. It proceeds to run down the street and all the mice from the houses it passes by run out to follow it. Well the huge green mouse runs down street after street and all the mice keep following it. After it has run down every street in town, it jumps into the river at the edge of town and all the mice follow it and drown. A minute later, the huge green mouse jumps out of the river and runs back into the bus. Seeing what has just happened, the mayors eyes light up. He runs over to the stranger and beams "Would you happen to have a huge green American in the back of that bus?"

Ag ag ag ag ag
Quality :D

RaceFanStan

27th September 2007, 13:57

This wonderful thread had slipped to being the last thread on page 2 .....
I had to revive it because we are only 1 day away from Friday's humorous bit. :D :up:

oily oaf

28th September 2007, 06:29

This wonderful thread had slipped to being the last thread on page 2 .....
I had to revive it because we are only 1 day away from Friday's humorous bit. :D :up:

Stan under normal circumstances I would be forced to burn you face down for pre empting the prescribed day of the week whcich is set in stone for this thread but as your action was borne from the highest possible motive I'm prepared to let you off with a light scorching from my oxy/acetylene cutting torch and a written warning.
Consider yourself the most fortunate of young men :cool:

schmenke

28th September 2007, 15:54

In an effort to raise the current dismally low standards around here I offer this quality gem (thank me later :mad: ):

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

(I'll take the oxy torch Oily, thanks :mark: )

oily oaf

28th September 2007, 17:08

(I'll take the oxy torch Oily, thanks

No one man has ever deserved it more matey :mad:

I dedicate this joke to Jim Mc a Cockney Rejects fan and all round wrong un.

Irish geezer goes to the doc and explains that he doesn't want any more kids as he is now father to 11.
"You need a vasectomy" says the quack "But it's a bit pricey. There is an alternative however. Stick a large firecracker in a tin, hold it up to your ear and count to ten.
"Jaysus!" exclaims Patrick "Oim not the cleverest of men but oi cant see how dats goona work"
"Just trust me says" the medic.
So he toddles off home stopping along the way to buy the stuff he needs.
As soon as he gets home he shoves the firecracker in the tin and holds up to his earole.
1....2....3....4.....5 then he quickly shoves the tin between his legs before counting on the other hand 6....7......8

This proceedure is also very effective in parts of Australia and throughout Wales.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to retire to the loft to continue repairing my cold water cistern.
This fcuking jet set lifestyle will be the death of me :(

schmenke

28th September 2007, 17:16

Well, since we're now regurgitating oldies, here's another classic...

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found that they were assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a transcontinental train.

Although initially embarrassed and uneasy about sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying;

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm really very cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied." Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed!

"Good," she replied... "Get your own f#cking blanket."

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.

oily oaf

28th September 2007, 17:42

jim mcglinchey

28th September 2007, 17:44

oily oaf

28th September 2007, 18:12

( Insert name her ( could be Oily, could be Schmenkie)) and his wife are in bed one night. He lets rip with a real stoater of a fart " Goal " he shouts.
His wife farts and shouts " One all! "
When the score gets to three all, N strains so hard to win the match that he craps the bed.
" Eergh, what the hell was that?" the wife says in horror.
" half time" says our hero...." swap sides."

I know..Im all class.

You're partially right Jimbo. However I'd like to state here and now that neither of our wives were present on the night in question :mad:

PS I'm not gay you know.

PPS I think Shmenkey was arrested last Thursday for bashing his golfing buddy's back door in......................allegedly :mad:

RaceFanStan

28th September 2007, 18:23

Stan under normal circumstances I would be forced to burn you face down for pre empting the prescribed day of the week whcich is set in stone for this thread but as your action was borne from the highest possible motive I'm prepared to let you off with a light scorching from my oxy/acetylene cutting torch and a written warning.
Consider yourself the most fortunate of young men :cool:
Sorry, it won't happen again. http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g202/gr8link/orn/00.gif

RaceFanStan

28th September 2007, 18:25

schmenke

28th September 2007, 19:12

...PPS I think Shmenkey was arrested last Thursday for bashing his golfing buddy's back door in......................allegedly :mad:

Busted up my favourite 9-iron... :s

CarlMetro

28th September 2007, 20:02

Busted up my favourite 9-iron... :s

I wouldn't worry, you have no real use for it anyway :p :

To My Dear Wife:

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset-I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

CarlMetro

28th September 2007, 20:03

Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's Dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His Dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his Dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'

The mother said, why, thank you, Little Johnny.' Johnny said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.'

'Can he see?' asked Little Johnny.
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnny,

'cos he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses.'

CarlMetro

28th September 2007, 20:04

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of
you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far
south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad ,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and
Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get
in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in
settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.
But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya
bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no
calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though,
but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what
ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or
possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by
that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route
march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back
paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep
getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like
the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize
cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself
comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even
load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to
steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you
reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful
coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack
and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the
muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across
The shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and
eight stone wringin'
wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick
Before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

Brown, Jon Brow

28th September 2007, 21:16

A women and a bloke are eying each other up in a bar. The bloke strolls up to her and says "Hi! The name's Bond"...

"Don't tell me' interrupts the women 'James Bond?"

"No" says the bloke. "It's Unibond. But I can still fill your crack"

...........sorry

schmenke

28th September 2007, 21:21

Oh dear :erm: . I'll be glad when Friday's over :uhoh:

Spoonbender

28th September 2007, 21:53

Here's a true story I heard on the radio this morning.
Ricky Hattons dad being interviewed about the upcoming fight with Maywether.

At one of the pre fight launches.

Maywethers manager pipes up about all the titles he's won and how he's the best pound for pound fighter on the planet, he's even got his own brand of Bar-B-Q sauce.

Then Maywether stands face to face with Ricky and launches into a tirade of insults, (Ricky's just standing there staring at him and chewing his gum) telling him he's going to toy with him for 3 rounds, then put him down. What have you got to say about that.......

Ricky comes back quick as a flash and says, " where can I get a bottle of your Bar-B-Q sauce?"

What a legend :)

jim mcglinchey

29th September 2007, 08:43

..hard as nails and rapier wit too. Maywether shoulda said something like " I hear hospital food is a bit bland, I'll send a crate to your ward..." .........eh, or maybe not.

race aficionado

5th October 2007, 02:43

Formula 1

that's the joke

albeit a bad one

but still a big fat joke.

:s mokin:

race aficionado

5th October 2007, 02:48

Oily and his dear wife are driving back from a Happily Married Anonymous Convention and for some reason Mrs. Oaf is a bit peed off with her hubby.
Oily is digging deep on the accelerator and suddenly
a police officer pulls over his speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

Oily says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting Mrs. Oaf says: "Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, Oily looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

Mrs. Oaf smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, Oily glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, woman,
can' t you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 lb. fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."

Mrs. Oaf says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket Oily turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at Mrs. Oaf and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking"

:s mokin:

oily oaf

5th October 2007, 16:43

Ag ag ag ag ag arf!

Hey Race old buddy. You been spyin' on my family agin baby? :D

"Ah tell ya war children it's just a shot away
It's just a shot away
But love sister is just a kiss away
It's just a kiss away" - Jagger/Richards :s mokin:

oily oaf

5th October 2007, 16:57

Right settle down, put your gas cooker, water cistern and pussy blues on the back burner and Leeeeeeeeeets git ready to Chuuuuuuuuckle.

Two geezers walk into a drinker and one says to his mate.
"Oi Donkey get the beers in son I'm goin' to the khazi"
So the other bloke says to the barman "Tttttttttttttt tttttttttt two pints of lager please mate"
When the first bloke comes back from the bog he says to his chum "Get us a packet of crisps and a short Donkey I'm gonna play on the fruity"
So once again the fella calls to the bar keep "Ccccccccc ccccccccccc can I 'ave a ppppppp packet of ssssssssss smokey bbbbbb bacon please barman?"
Somewhat bemused the barman says to him "Ere why does your mate keep callin'you Donkey?"
"Oh! Eee Orr, eee orr, eer orr eee always calls me that" says he.

Don't worry chaps it'll be Saturday before you know it :D

schmenke

5th October 2007, 21:37

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device. She got extremely upset. "You impotent oaf *******!" she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids."

Is it Saturday yet? :dozey:

Crypt

5th October 2007, 22:35

So this baby seal walks into a club...

Spoonbender

5th October 2007, 23:17

Hey Oily

What's pink and hard ??

A pig with a flick knife :)

What's black, white and red all over, and can't turn around in a lift ???

A Nun with a spear through her head :)

As they say, the old ones are the best, and I'm old............

oily oaf

6th October 2007, 05:07

schmenke

12th October 2007, 20:22

Apologies in advance... :mark:

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

oily oaf

13th October 2007, 06:28

Sorry I'm late boys I had to take the wife to the vet for her shots :(

Shmenkey. Arf! Like it mate :D

Mummy and Daddy balloon are lying in bed when their little 5 year old balloon son comes in.

Mum I cant sleep" he wails Can I get in with you and Daddy?"

"Yeah hop in" says his mummykins. So the little balloon squeezes in between his parent but finds that things are a bit squashed so when his parents have drifted back to kip he craftily lets a bit of air out of his mum and then does the same to the old man.
Things are still a bit tight so he undoes his knot and lets a bit of air out of himself.
The job's a good un and he falls into a deep slumber.
Next morning he goes downstairs and find his folks cooking breakfast both looking a bit pissed off.

"What's up Dad?" he asks his glowering father

"I'm not happy son" comes the stern reply

"Youve let me down, you've let your mother down and worst of all you've let yourself down"

Worth waiting for?
Bloody sod yer then! :mad:

MRS BLOBBY. - Blib blob blibble ibble blob blib blobby blobby blib blob blobby

MR BLOBBY - Oh for f***s sake woman just swallow it.

Now I realise that last one will have no effect on TV viewers outside the UK but I expect the likes of Mr Metro and co will be pissing their pants...................................possibly :(