The Phantom
15th June 2009, 23:27
Guys, we have a very gifted and funny writer on a forum I inhabit, who has by popular demand become our MotoGP commentator in residence. Read on to see why :)
Yeah yeah, my bad for missing a report from the previous round, which wasn't bollocks at all - I'll do penance and clean out the catbox. Tomorrow...
But today I will live up to my usual and lowly standards and deliver a report on the brilliant Gran Premio de Catalunya... FP and qualifying saw a few interesting moments, like that Kentucky asteroid finally orbit briefly into the single digits after Ducati technoers replaced the bologna-powered ECU with "a new package"... However that foray into faster times was short lived and the Kid droppped back into his customary 13th on the grid. Pole was snatched by Lunatico, who obviously had every last vestige of fear bashed outta his golden nugget last year and is riding, well, brilliantly. Rossi alluded to the fact that if he'd taken a leak before qualifying he might have snatched pole and gotten the watch and the kiss from a very comely senorita, but only managed second, the two Yammie team-mates separated as it were by the width of a hair form Uccio's arse... Casey the mighty marsupial spanker ate too much vegemite (or not enough) and was feeling like a plate of dog's breakfast on race day (or so he claimed)...
The grid formed up under a cloudy sky with nary a drop of rain in the horizon - and it was hotter than a leather-wrapped nifkin sitting on top of a wrung-out Desmosedici at idle. Stuck in LA traffic. In Late September... So hot that the tire du jour for the rear was extra hard... On hand we had a squazillion rabid Spanish fans in full song hoping for a homeboy victory, what with Lunatico sporting a nice Barca-themed hat, and the severely beaten and battered Pendejito still trying hard against all odds to claim his place amongst the glittering stars on the podium... (last year it was Lorenzo pummeling hisself into chorizo filling, but this year the honors go to the odious little - so what is it with Spanish riders and crashing, anyway?)
Race time! When the lights clicked out and right off the bat lunatico Porfuera gave the wine-infused crowd a reason to roar as he led into turn one and onwards, with Rossi hot on his tail and the ailing floppy-eared wonder from down under railing in third position. My heart rate continued to rise as the first lap wound out with nary a sign of a breakaway and the top 5 or 10 pretty tightly stacked, but none more so than the leading trio, which were closer than a tanga is to natty naughty bits on a nearby beach. After a few laps Yuki Crashasmashi succeeded in all but sealing his fate and accelerating his departure from the MotoGP paddock by binning it - and even though he tried, nobody was close enough for him to take out...
Meanwhile, the front three quickly pulled a gap on Pendejo, Dovi and Capirossi - who was riding pretty damn well on the Suzpuki that (rumors only) has a new engine. Or maybe just some "parts"... Obviously only Loris was able to make the thing work (or maybe it was because it was dry) but the other marsupial licker was off the back and amounted to nada. By mid-race or so (I lost count this thing was so exciting) Dovi passed Pendejo. Yay. Then Lunatico and The King of the Tribe of Chihuahuas were pretty much in a class of their own as they put the hurt on Vegemuncher Stoner who might have felt better if he'd just pulled over and barfed. A few of the two-bike skirmishes further down were mildly entertaining, especially as the perennial mid-pack wonder (the red-neck long-neck) "recovered" from a crap start and asserted his dominance on 7th. Then Capirossi plugged Pendejo to take 5th, and Hayden was circulating in 11th when Elias decided to keep his streak of never scoring points in Catalunya alive by crashing out... Melandri briefly made it into the top half of the grid before falling prey to the laws of physics which state that "a crap bike is only as fast as changeable meteorological conditions allow" and drifted backwards, but still beat a few other riders. The MotoGP Catfish mudsucking award goes to Gabor T - the new addition to the grid making an impression on in his debut. Like a fat pair of asscheeks on memory foam. At least he didn't fall off. Or get lapped. The other er that didn't figure was old Gibbers, who was bosh as usual...
However, back at the pointy end the best was yet to come as the laps ticked down and the last 3 times 'round gave us the delicious icing on what can only be described as a classic. Rossi and Lorenzo traded places several times, with Rossi being absolutely brilliant on the brakes at the end of the long fronst straight, and Lorenzo quick as stink in the quick transition that follows, and going into the very last lap it looked like the home crowd was going to have yet another major victory to celebrate along with FC Barcelona claiming the Champion's League, BUT the old adage "old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill" as Rossi stuck like overdone linguini to the Spaniards' wheel and doing something that had never ever been done, and especially not since the old 990cc era, Velentino passed Lunatico on the only corner you aren't supposed to be able to pass anyone on and in a blinding flash of bravura the yellow fury went on to take a very epic win...
I finally remembered to take a deep breath when the checkers fell and due to the onrush of oxygen to the brain nearly passed out, but was able to regain my vision (which I thought was wonky) when the standings table flashed on-screen: three riders at the top. Tied with equal points. Rosi, Lorenzo and Stoner each with 106, but Rossi at the top of the table by virtue of having more 2nd place finishes, and Lorenzo atop Stoner by virtue of being less of a whiner...
Hayden (yeah, I know, who?) finally managed to scratch into the top 10. He's looking forward to testing from dawn to dusk tomorrow and wearing a groove in the Catalan asphalt. Stoner is probably going to curl up with his sheila and whimper until his tummy feels better and Lorenzo is probably going to go on a lollipop binge to assuage the bitter taste of defeat. Experience would have had him riding a much tighter line in the last corner, thereby obviating Rossi's unbelievable and ballsy pass, however that is a memory that the very quick Spaniard will be sure to learn from and probably won't repeat...
So after the last few races made so much more interesting by crazy-making rain-enhanced excitement, this meaty race had everything die-hard race fans could wish for. Now I will go and burn a token offering to the Gods of racing in hopes that this will continue down to the wire! See you all next time when we go to Holland and spank the Assen...
MotoGP de Catalunya top 10
1. Valentino Rossi (Yamaha)
2. Jorge Lorenzo (Yamaha)
3. Casey Stoner (Ducati)
4. Andrea Dovizioso (Honda)
5. Loris Capirossi (Suzuki)
6. Dani Pedrosa (Honda)
7. Colin Edwards (Yamaha)
8. Randy De Puniet (Honda)
9. Mika Kallio (Ducati)
10. Nicky Hayden (Ducati)
Note: On looking at a couple of vids of the last 2 laps and getting my adrenaline all jacked up again (especially from listening to the Italian annoucers on the vid at MotoGP Matters) it's obvious that Yamaha have got the bit between their teeth and the championship may be theirs to lose. It's early days, but unless Vale and Loony take themselves out Stoner's got a heaping helping of work ahead of him, considering the Duckies are showing lots of warts and pimples while the M1s are looking shaved supermodel smooth. And so my thoughts go out to Jeremy Burgess who's mum passed Saturday - a nicer and more talented fellow I'm sure would be hard to find and Vale's dedication of the race to him spoke volumes about the relationship these 2 cats have. Mamma mia! What a frikkin unbelivable race THAT was. Please sir may I have MORE!?!?
Yeah yeah, my bad for missing a report from the previous round, which wasn't bollocks at all - I'll do penance and clean out the catbox. Tomorrow...
But today I will live up to my usual and lowly standards and deliver a report on the brilliant Gran Premio de Catalunya... FP and qualifying saw a few interesting moments, like that Kentucky asteroid finally orbit briefly into the single digits after Ducati technoers replaced the bologna-powered ECU with "a new package"... However that foray into faster times was short lived and the Kid droppped back into his customary 13th on the grid. Pole was snatched by Lunatico, who obviously had every last vestige of fear bashed outta his golden nugget last year and is riding, well, brilliantly. Rossi alluded to the fact that if he'd taken a leak before qualifying he might have snatched pole and gotten the watch and the kiss from a very comely senorita, but only managed second, the two Yammie team-mates separated as it were by the width of a hair form Uccio's arse... Casey the mighty marsupial spanker ate too much vegemite (or not enough) and was feeling like a plate of dog's breakfast on race day (or so he claimed)...
The grid formed up under a cloudy sky with nary a drop of rain in the horizon - and it was hotter than a leather-wrapped nifkin sitting on top of a wrung-out Desmosedici at idle. Stuck in LA traffic. In Late September... So hot that the tire du jour for the rear was extra hard... On hand we had a squazillion rabid Spanish fans in full song hoping for a homeboy victory, what with Lunatico sporting a nice Barca-themed hat, and the severely beaten and battered Pendejito still trying hard against all odds to claim his place amongst the glittering stars on the podium... (last year it was Lorenzo pummeling hisself into chorizo filling, but this year the honors go to the odious little - so what is it with Spanish riders and crashing, anyway?)
Race time! When the lights clicked out and right off the bat lunatico Porfuera gave the wine-infused crowd a reason to roar as he led into turn one and onwards, with Rossi hot on his tail and the ailing floppy-eared wonder from down under railing in third position. My heart rate continued to rise as the first lap wound out with nary a sign of a breakaway and the top 5 or 10 pretty tightly stacked, but none more so than the leading trio, which were closer than a tanga is to natty naughty bits on a nearby beach. After a few laps Yuki Crashasmashi succeeded in all but sealing his fate and accelerating his departure from the MotoGP paddock by binning it - and even though he tried, nobody was close enough for him to take out...
Meanwhile, the front three quickly pulled a gap on Pendejo, Dovi and Capirossi - who was riding pretty damn well on the Suzpuki that (rumors only) has a new engine. Or maybe just some "parts"... Obviously only Loris was able to make the thing work (or maybe it was because it was dry) but the other marsupial licker was off the back and amounted to nada. By mid-race or so (I lost count this thing was so exciting) Dovi passed Pendejo. Yay. Then Lunatico and The King of the Tribe of Chihuahuas were pretty much in a class of their own as they put the hurt on Vegemuncher Stoner who might have felt better if he'd just pulled over and barfed. A few of the two-bike skirmishes further down were mildly entertaining, especially as the perennial mid-pack wonder (the red-neck long-neck) "recovered" from a crap start and asserted his dominance on 7th. Then Capirossi plugged Pendejo to take 5th, and Hayden was circulating in 11th when Elias decided to keep his streak of never scoring points in Catalunya alive by crashing out... Melandri briefly made it into the top half of the grid before falling prey to the laws of physics which state that "a crap bike is only as fast as changeable meteorological conditions allow" and drifted backwards, but still beat a few other riders. The MotoGP Catfish mudsucking award goes to Gabor T - the new addition to the grid making an impression on in his debut. Like a fat pair of asscheeks on memory foam. At least he didn't fall off. Or get lapped. The other er that didn't figure was old Gibbers, who was bosh as usual...
However, back at the pointy end the best was yet to come as the laps ticked down and the last 3 times 'round gave us the delicious icing on what can only be described as a classic. Rossi and Lorenzo traded places several times, with Rossi being absolutely brilliant on the brakes at the end of the long fronst straight, and Lorenzo quick as stink in the quick transition that follows, and going into the very last lap it looked like the home crowd was going to have yet another major victory to celebrate along with FC Barcelona claiming the Champion's League, BUT the old adage "old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill" as Rossi stuck like overdone linguini to the Spaniards' wheel and doing something that had never ever been done, and especially not since the old 990cc era, Velentino passed Lunatico on the only corner you aren't supposed to be able to pass anyone on and in a blinding flash of bravura the yellow fury went on to take a very epic win...
I finally remembered to take a deep breath when the checkers fell and due to the onrush of oxygen to the brain nearly passed out, but was able to regain my vision (which I thought was wonky) when the standings table flashed on-screen: three riders at the top. Tied with equal points. Rosi, Lorenzo and Stoner each with 106, but Rossi at the top of the table by virtue of having more 2nd place finishes, and Lorenzo atop Stoner by virtue of being less of a whiner...
Hayden (yeah, I know, who?) finally managed to scratch into the top 10. He's looking forward to testing from dawn to dusk tomorrow and wearing a groove in the Catalan asphalt. Stoner is probably going to curl up with his sheila and whimper until his tummy feels better and Lorenzo is probably going to go on a lollipop binge to assuage the bitter taste of defeat. Experience would have had him riding a much tighter line in the last corner, thereby obviating Rossi's unbelievable and ballsy pass, however that is a memory that the very quick Spaniard will be sure to learn from and probably won't repeat...
So after the last few races made so much more interesting by crazy-making rain-enhanced excitement, this meaty race had everything die-hard race fans could wish for. Now I will go and burn a token offering to the Gods of racing in hopes that this will continue down to the wire! See you all next time when we go to Holland and spank the Assen...
MotoGP de Catalunya top 10
1. Valentino Rossi (Yamaha)
2. Jorge Lorenzo (Yamaha)
3. Casey Stoner (Ducati)
4. Andrea Dovizioso (Honda)
5. Loris Capirossi (Suzuki)
6. Dani Pedrosa (Honda)
7. Colin Edwards (Yamaha)
8. Randy De Puniet (Honda)
9. Mika Kallio (Ducati)
10. Nicky Hayden (Ducati)
Note: On looking at a couple of vids of the last 2 laps and getting my adrenaline all jacked up again (especially from listening to the Italian annoucers on the vid at MotoGP Matters) it's obvious that Yamaha have got the bit between their teeth and the championship may be theirs to lose. It's early days, but unless Vale and Loony take themselves out Stoner's got a heaping helping of work ahead of him, considering the Duckies are showing lots of warts and pimples while the M1s are looking shaved supermodel smooth. And so my thoughts go out to Jeremy Burgess who's mum passed Saturday - a nicer and more talented fellow I'm sure would be hard to find and Vale's dedication of the race to him spoke volumes about the relationship these 2 cats have. Mamma mia! What a frikkin unbelivable race THAT was. Please sir may I have MORE!?!?