Joke Time

[markabilly]

wow,

I did not know you played the piano

meanwhile back at the ranch, the lone ranger saw tonto was riding donkey

[SGWilko]

wow,

I did not know you played the piano

meanwhile back at the ranch, the lone ranger thought tonto was

They don't call me clever dick for nothing y'know.....

[markabilly]

Nixon could play the piano too...his mother taught him

[Gregor-y]

They don't call me clever dick for nothing y'know.....
You're lucky; they don't call me clever dick at all.

[CarlMetro]

Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana

[donKey jote]

or as they would say in Germany (Fliegen=flies, fliegen=to fly ;) ):
Wenn Fliegen hinter Fliegen fliegen, fliegen Fliegen Fliegen nach... Bananen :p

[markabilly]

so while fruit flies may like a banana, what does time have to do with that

[Eki]

so while fruit flies may like a banana, what does time have to do with that
Four. Two on the front seats and two on the back seat.

[donKey jote]

Four. Two to hold the bulb and two to turn them.

[markabilly]

I only need her two hands for her to choke it and make it fly.........


http://cdn.thefrisky.com/images/uploads/olivia_munn_chicken_t.jpg

[donKey jote]

stoopid chicken should have crossed the road when it saw yer ex....

[steveaki13]

Arsenal :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[markabilly]

stoopid chicken should have crossed the road when it saw yer ex....

well, I warned you to run faster.....

[markabilly]

donkey and his old lady were shopping, and he goes to get a case of cheap wine. She hollers, "how much is that?"
He says, $10.00" She says, "put it back, that is too much"

They go down some more isles, and she picks up a bottle for face cream. Donkey says, "I see the price, and that is too much"

She says, "but it makes me look better"

He says, "so does the wine and it is much much cheaper...."

then the fight started


and then there are parking meters for streetwalkers....

German city introduces parking meter for prostitutes - Yahoo! News (http://news.yahoo.com/german-city-introduces-parking-meter-prostitutes-184644020.html)

explains why Donkey's old lady is always trying to borrow dimes

[donKey jote]

Billy is just back from the Blindfolded World Wa(n)king Championships... he has no idea where he came though. :dozey:

[Garry Walker]

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America! Jimmy Fallon


I bought a new Chevy Avalanche and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. 'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson
I drove away happy, and for the next few days every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, 'Asshole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,
"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States,
Barack Hussein Obama

[SGWilko]

A group of ignorant retards

That's a little unfortunate language Daniel.......

[markabilly]

One day Donkey gets off work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday and he does not want his daughter's mother bitchin him out for forgetting...after all is said and done, her mother is his sister. :rolleyes:

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"


The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $20, Shopping Barbie for $20, Beach Barbie for $20, Disco Barbie for $20, Ballerina Barbie for $20, Astronaut Barbie for $20, Skater Barbie for $20 and Divorced Barbie for $260."

Donkey say, "What?! How much?? Why is the Divorced Barbie so high when the others are only $20?" The answer is "Well, the divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's friends, Ken's TV, Ken's Money, and a gold necklace that Ken paid for and now has Ken's balls hanging from it......"

[SGWilko]

One day Donkey gets off work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday and he does not want his daughter's mother bitchin him out for forgetting...after all is said and done, her mother is his sister. :rolleyes:

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"


The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $20, Shopping Barbie for $20, Beach Barbie for $20, Disco Barbie for $20, Ballerina Barbie for $20, Astronaut Barbie for $20, Skater Barbie for $20 and Divorced Barbie for $260."

Donkey say, "What?! How much?? Why is the Divorced Barbie so high when the others are only $20?" The answer is "Well, the divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's friends, Ken's TV, Ken's Money, and a gold necklace that Ken paid for and now has Ken's balls hanging from it......"

What part does Shrek play in these jokes?

[markabilly]

What part does Shrek play in these jokes?

donot know. what joke do you want to be in?

[markabilly]

Okay, wilco, do you want to be the prostitute or the drug dealer?


What is the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? Both sell crack, but the prostitute keeps hers

Why do prostitutes have better profit margins than drug dealers? The dealer must always buy new stock, but the prostitute needs only to wash hers....well sometimes.

[SGWilko]

Okay, wilco, do you want to be the prostitute or the drug dealer?


What is the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? Both sell crack, but the prostitute keeps hers

Why do prostitutes have better profit margins than drug dealers? The dealer must always buy new stock, but the prostitute needs only to wash hers....well sometimes.

I fail to see why I cannot have the option to be the pimp.......

[markabilly]

because only I get to "pump"er, never the pumpee

[SGWilko]

because only I get to "pump"er, never the pumpee

Selfish barsteward......

[SGWilko]

Billy is just back from the Blindfolded World Wa(n)king Championships... he has no idea where he came though. :dozey:

Reminds me of the dissapointing eunuch's party.....


....nobody came.

[CarlMetro]

A friend of mine recently admitted to me that he is addicted to brake fluid. When I confronted him about it he assured me that he could stop at any time.

[CarlMetro]

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you....

[Eki]

A friend of mine recently admitted to me that he is addicted to brake fluid. When I confronted him about it he assured me that he could stop at any time.
It's good that he isn't addicted to power steering fluid. You'd have to steer him clear.

[Eki]

What do you call Mexican food bought from a drive-in?


Carburrito

Just be careful it doesn't smudge your tacometer.

[Eki]

I'm going to start a new Mexican food franchise for those on a strict diet. It's called Taco Smell.

And one for those on a diet, but not so strict. It's called Taco Shell.

And one for those who like it really hot and spicy. It's called Taco Hell.

Wait, wait... I have one more coming... And one for computer geeks. It's called Taco Dell.

That concludes my sit down comedy for tonight.

[Roamy]

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up ,takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says,"Dave that's one of the nicest most respectful things I have ever seen."
Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 20 years."



A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!!". They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.



I Do Not Need Anger Management, You Just Need to Shut Up

[steveaki13]

A man goes into a doctors with a steering wheel down his trousers

The doctor asks him whats the problem

The man says "You've got to help me Doc, this wheels driving me nuts".

[Eki]

A seal goes into a bar.

The bartender asks what he would like to have.

The seal says "Anything but Canadian Club".

[Garry Walker]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote...

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[Roamy]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry
me?"

The Princess said, "NO !!!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged
skinny long-legged big tittied broads and hunted and fished and raced cars
and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer
and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or
alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam
and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on
while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as
hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

[donKey jote]

To get to the other side. :dozey:

Why did the neutrino cross the road?

[markabilly]

it saw DonKey's old lady coming on its side of the road.....

[markabilly]

Roamy and Donkey stop at a whore house. They toss $500 at the madam, Miss Kitty, and say, "give us 6 cold beers, two sandwiches growing fungus, and the fattest, toothless, ugliest, most stinking, sore-faced woman you have.

Ms Kitty says, "guys for $500 you can have any woman here".

Donkey says, "We are not here for sex, we are home sick........

[markabilly]

then ther was the time, that el donko caught his daughter working as a hooker at a street corner....

he told her, "WHAT would your mother think if she caught you doing this!!!"

She said, "she would kill me.....it's her corner

[Alexamateo]

An old World War II fighter pilot with a thick Boston accent was invited to the elementary school to give a talk on his war experiences. "One day I was protecting the bombers when I looked up and realized that two Fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first Fokker and shot him down, but by then the other Fokker was on my tail." The children began to giggle, so the teacher spoke up to say, "Remember children, 'Fokker' is the name of a German airplane."

"That's true," said the pilot, "but these two Fokkers were flying Messerschmitts."

[Eki]

Why didn't Luke Skywalker go to the other side?

[Eki]

Why didn't Luke Skywalker go to the other side?
He was afraid to cross the road.

[AstonMartin]

a polish woman says to her husband: from now on we'll have sex like in the Olympics.
the husband asks: faster, higher, stronger?
the woman: no, once every 4 years. :D

[markabilly]

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a moderator on an airplane. The moderator just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the moderator offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The moderator figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The moderator first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. Then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the moderator looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her bra without comment, but the mod insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

and if you still don't know, email me $50 via paypal and I will tell you.....

[Eki]

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[CarlMetro]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands .'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

[CarlMetro]

Build a man a fire and he's warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.

[markabilly]

markabilly was driving along late one evening when he saw a lady hitch hiking. He stopped and gave her a ride. Once she was in the car, he noticed that she was very ugly. Lots of wrinkles; a big wart on her nose with long hairs growing out of it; long stringy hair; and dressed all in black. He figured that she was already in the car, he'd just be pleasant until he dropped her off so he asked her what she did. She said "I'm a witch.". markabilly though this was quite funny so he laughed and said "No, really, what do you do?". She said "Listen Buster, I'm a witch and I don't like people making fun of it, so stop your laughing or I'm going to put a spell on you.". At this, markabilly almost ran off the road he was laughing so hard. She said "That's it, I warned you." and leaned over and whispered in his ear. Sure enough in just a few minutes markabilly turned into a motel.


True story. I know. I was there. And she whispered, "you wanna see Starter and me....."







Afterwards, my eyesight ain't never been the same.

[donKey jote]

Markabilly got circumcised the other day...

Apparently Starter kicked his sister in the jaw :dozey:

[markabilly]

Markabilly got circumcised the other day...

Apparently Starter kicked his sister in the jaw :dozey:

I just wish Starter had not got so jealous and kicked his sister like that. No more threesomes with them, that is for sure.

[Roamy]

Markabilly has been in a really bad accident. He was driving down the road in his '77 Chevy pickup truck when the brakes failed and he ran into a tree. At the emergency room they found that both his legs were badly mangled and determined he had to have the right one amputated to save his life. The surgeon, having had a couple drinks before being called in, amputated his left leg. As soon as the error was realized, the doctors had to take the right one off too.

When Markabilly recovered, he tried to sue the hospital and the surgeons but the judge threw the case out of court. Said he didn't have a leg to stand on.

The other part of this story is: The Doctor came in right after the surgery and said "I have some good news - I have some bad news " Markabilly said give me the bad news first. So the Doctor told him of the amputations. Markabilly said what possible good new could there be. The Doctor said " The guy in the next bed over wants to buy your slippers"

[donKey jote]

Yesterday was Starter's turn to entertain Markabilly's sister for their threesome again. He got back late from work to find her naked on the kitchen stool screaming "a mouse, a mouse".
Big roll-eyes as he tells her there's nothing to worry about...

"You don't understand" she says, "it crawled up my leg and now it's inside me and I can't get it out!" :eek:

"Holy Lord" say Starter, starting to panic, "Hang on I'll call your hubby" as he reached for the phone...

Markabilly answers "you fool! you left her on her own again didn't you... don't worry it's not the first time she does something silly like that when she gets bored... I'll be there in twenty minutes. In the meantime, go to the fridge and get a piece of cheese... see if you can coax it out"

Twenty minutes later, Markabilly arrives to find Starter waving a mackerel around his missus' parts... "You fool, what are you doing? I said CHEESE!" :crazy:

"I know, I know", Starter says, "I've got to get the bloody cat out first though !" :arrows: :andrea:

[555-04Q2]

Time to resurrect this thread :D

In Australia:

Bruce is walking down the farm road with two sheep, one under each arm. His neighbour Sheila sees Bruce walking with the sheep and says, "hey Bruce, you gonna sheer those sheep?" to which Bruce replies, "hell, no Sheila they all mine tonight!"

[555-04Q2]

How do Australians find their sheep in long grass? Very satisfying :p :