The ten funniest Fringe jokes - apparently

[Dave B]

According to a panel and a public vote, these are the top 10 jokes from this year's Edinburgh fringe:

1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202

Can you do better?

[Hazell B]

I repeated the winner, Tim Vine's holiday joke, to several people yesterday and without fail they all laughed out loud. Three chucked over it for ages, too.

Most of the rest are either old or similar to ones we've heard over the years - not that it stopped them making me smile again.

Didn't get number 10. What am I missing?

[Mark]

Because many pubs where you order food at the bar give you a wooden spoon with a number on it so the server can see where to deliver the food to.

[UltimateDanGTR]

Because many pubs where you order food at the bar give you a wooden spoon with a number on it so the server can see where to deliver the food to.

gastropubs is the fashion isnt it these days

I remember jack whitehall repeating something similar on mock the week.



some interesting jokes there, some funny ones. another personal favourite from tim vine (not a fringe one though, really) is 'If you are called jack you can never be an airline pilot. you walk into the cockpit, your colleague says 'Hi jack' and everyone panicks' awful I know but i just like it.

[Garry Walker]

4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

Awesome

[Hazell B]

Because many pubs where you order food at the bar give you a wooden spoon with a number on it so the server can see where to deliver the food to.

I clearly don't get out enough
Waiters a dying breed, are they?
There has to be a one-liner in that question

[Drew]

I'm glad you said apparently Dave. I can't say most of those jokes were really funny. But I guess most comedians build up a story around a joke, which then makes it funnier than just reading it.

[Mark]

I clearly don't get out enough
Waiters a dying breed, are they?
There has to be a one-liner in that question

Standard practice with pub food I find, order at the bar, then it's brought over to you. Back in the day it just to be "Where are you sitting?" Then you'd motion over to a general area. Then you have table numbers; "What's your table number?", then you make the quick run back to the table to find the number just to discover that you've picked the one table where the number plate has been removed.. and so it goes on.

[BDunnell]

Some good gags there. But, in my view, none beats this one, said by the late, great Bob Monkhouse:

"I may be getting on a bit, but I still enjoy sex at 67. Mind you, I only live at 72, so it's no distance."